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Keeping Casual Sex Respectful

Version 2

“I hope you don’t feel like you’re not enough?”

This is what I asked my “side guy” the other day & our conversation got me thinking about the art of balancing multiple relationships. I thought the topic might be of interest to my readers.

I’ve been with the same partner for a few years. It’s the deepest & healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We also practice consensual non-monogamy. That’s the term I use instead of “swingers” (which sounds like we’re partying every weekend, wife swapping) or “poly” (polyamory usually means more than one equal emotional romantic relationship).

I like the term “non-monogamous” as it allows us to define what it is for us & for it to evolve.

I currently have one other regular partner, my “side guy”, who I get together with a few times a month. He’s fun, sexy, sane, drama-free & “gets it”, as in he’s been in a similar relationship so understand things from the other side. He respects my relationship & my primary partner. He doesn’t try to seduce me into falling in love with him or any nonsense.

He just wants lighter connections at this time having recently exited a draining long term relationship. I’m not his only lover & he’s not wanting to get serious with anyone, but he does prefer to like who he’s fucking.

It’s going great but the other day it occurred to me that he could feel objectified or feel inadequate, like he’s not enough.

I thought about how powerful, sexually liberated women high five each other & talk about using boy toys & tossing them away, like men don’t have feelings. I’d argue that if a man is so void of emotional depth that he’s content to be only used like a human dildo maybe he’s not really worth fucking? I know this goes against all the “FemDom sex” vids I’ve done where I just use men for their cocks & ya know what? That stuff is still hot & it has it’s place…but in my efforts to educate, to define the differences between fantasy & reality, I want to just be real here & say that mutual respect & consideration can be more fulfilling than an objectifying, disposable fuck.

There’s a fine line though, isn’t there? Liking the person you’re fucking could lead to loving the person you’re fucking. How do you maintain healthy boundaries? In my case it’s easy to do but hard to articulate. I guess I treat a casual lover as I would a really good friend. What I have with my main/primary partner is much deeper & more complex.

I could probably debate the nuances of these kinds of relationships & interactions with each of my readers or write a ridiculously long blog post that no one would read. I’m aware that I need to keep these things brief as attention spans are preciously short.

I’ll sum up, leaving too much out no doubt. Feel free to comment to expand the conversation. If you’re having “casual sex”, it’s okay to care about your partner. You can be kind, compassionate & respectful without falling head over heels in love…& you can have a mainly physical relationship with someone AND expect them to treat you with kindness, compassion & respect. There’s nothing wrong with mutually enjoying carnal pleasure with someone you don’t want to be in a full relationship with. There’s a lot of factors that might not line up for a relationship, compatibility & all that. It doesn’t mean that they or you are not enough, not good enough, worthless, disposable or only good for one thing.

So to answer the question I opened the blog with, he thought for a moment before responding: “I could feel that way & it might make sense, but I don’t. You are generous with compliments. You treat me with respect. I know you have something special with your partner & you’re not wanting to replace him, this is just extra fun for you. We’re good.”

Wish me luck as I continue to tight rope walk thru non-monogamy:-)

xo

Mistress T

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COMMENTS: 31

  • subiam
    August 21, 2018

    You are a beautiful breath of fresh air. Thank you for sharing.

  • Glenn
    August 21, 2018

    (non-monogamy – outsourcing)
    “What really makes a relationship work?” Whether a relationship is monogamous or non-monogamous, what makes it work is mutual trust, respect, attachment, good communication, empathy, the ability to self-reflect and grow, consideration, and the desire to support each other in being true to who you are. Good luck! 🙂

  • Glenn
    August 21, 2018

    Does your regular partner have a side girl?

  • Mirante
    August 21, 2018

    It’s not clear to me what made you think he felt he wasn’t enough. Seems like he is good with the terms of your relashionship with him and with your main partner. I’ve been in a relationship like this and it felt great. Light, as you said. Maybe not everyone that is into this have learned what is in ‘Philosophy in the Bedroom’, by Sade, but seems like he knows how it goes and he does have the real you.

  • Marcus Lundgren
    August 21, 2018

    I can understand that someone who does the work you do, and who is very liberal when it comes to sex, won’t have a problem with having multiple partners at the same time. Hell, I suppose the majority of people are or have been dating multiple people simultaneously at some point in their life.

    But although that’s fine if everyone’s in on it, I personally don’t understand how someone can have sex with someone without it being someone you want to spend your life with exclusively. No, I’m not religious. I just think that sex is such a personal thing that it shouldn’t be used as a plaything, you know?

    If you can have a “real” relationship with one man, and still have sex with other men on the side….I don’t know how you do it, but fine. It works for you.
    Personally, however, if someone I loved wanted to have an open relationship, or if they cheated on me, that would be it. They’d be out of my life forever.

    I mean, what’s the point of being in a romantic relationship if it’s not exclusive?
    You need to share your innermost feelings and vulnerabilities with someone to make it work, and to me, that doesn’t include fucking someone on the side…

      • Marcus Lundgren
        August 22, 2018

        I wasn’t brought up conservative or traditionally or anything like that. In fact, my parents are basically hippies.
        But whereas I’m very open-minded and flexible in most areas of life, when it comes to romance, I’m a one woman man.
        I don’t know why, but that’s just how it is.

        It’s true, though, that in Sweden, where I’m from, there is no dating scene to speak of. Everyone just gets drunk and hopes for the best. So I don’t know if that’s influenced my attitude or not. 🙂

  • Mirante
    August 21, 2018

    Seems like you all are fine with your relationships. That’s rare! You guys are blessed. Non-monogamous relationships are hard to keep healthy. All the best wishes to you all.

  • Mark
    August 21, 2018

    I’d love to be a side guy to someone like you!

    Keep up the great work and love your posts always

  • August 21, 2018

    Hi Mistress T, that was very considerate and sweet of you to ask that question!

    I am guessing that any man with enough going on for him to attract a sage and experienced and soulful gal like you would have to be pretty centered and with a healthy self love.

    In all my serious friendships, be they male or female, if I cant be honest enough to share things that make me cry with the person, then I don’t think we are that close. Back when I was a kid, for dating to get to actual screwing, it had to be that intimate. I tried playing when I had the physique for it, and it just wasn’t me.

    I think the position your friendly lover is in resonates well as the next step with those of us in multi-decade monogamous marriage. I talked about this a lot with the other old monogamy guys I worked with, most were not looking for another marriage after the one they are in now. Were I, Heaven forbid, to ever lose my wife, I doubt I would ever seriously consider monogamy again. I felt when I wed, as Marcus does now, and I mostly still do. But at 60 I am not the cat I was at thirty, and if being alone most nights is the cost for having say two 3-4 dates a week girlfriends who are awesome and interesting women, I would gladly live that life over another church marriage and just one woman, and no chance to flirt and follow it up without guilt. .

    As for toy boys: I do think treating anyone like a disposable toy is anathema to being an enlightened and liberated soul. BUT
    some guys do seem to want NSA sex, so be it, it is their life. I do see a difference in what I call (pardon the old school terminology) Session Play (with safe-words and aftercare) and other sex. Other sex could be anything from one night stands to a Loving long term relationship.

    In a session, be it for a film, as a way for two lovers to explore sexuality with each other, or as a paid session, there is more leeway for objectification. It is controlled, it can give the top a sense of liberation, and allow the objectified to open up to their sexual potential to receive and orgasm/face a relationship fear/just enjoy being an agent of another person’s happiness. I

    In other sex, objectification is probably something to avoid almost always. I remember this guy in our dorm that was built like Lance Hart, and very handsome. He looked like a player, but he really was a nice kid in a 21 year old stud’s body. He got pumped and dumped by some gal one weekend, and he was devastated. And yes to some extent I agree that guys with no feelings in the game probably are not as worthy as some other guys for multiple dates.

    In the end, as you and others have noted, I think having honest communication and being a respectful person precludes hurting another sexual partner. I do think scheduling dates and vacations could cause some inadvertent scuffed feelings, but overall when you know and feel someone is 100 in the moment when they are with you, it is all good!

    PS Perhaps being respectful also includes mastering the art of the gentle disengagement from those who do not make the cut of being a long term date partner?

    • August 21, 2018

      3-4 Dates a month, NOT a week. Sheesh sorry!

  • Craig
    August 22, 2018

    Great blog and interesting dynamic. I’m curious how each of you approach you encounters as a level of intimacy. To be more blunt, are you ‘making love’ to both partners? Or just your main partner, or neither? I wonder how your ‘side’ guy approaches it as well. When there is a disparity in viewpoints that can cause problems. I’m fascinated as to multiple partners and what rises to the level of lovemaking in the relationship.

  • Glenn
    August 22, 2018

    I am wondering if you’ve ever thought about a threesome with your partner and your side guy or a threesome with your partner and a gal of his choice?

      • Eric
        December 10, 2018

        Thanks for sharing with your devout fans:). Amazing insight into your personal life, beautiful intimate view of your sexuality!! Question: do you interact with your “side guy” on a regular basis (Text flirting, nudes, etc.)?

  • Glenn
    August 24, 2018

    Does causal sex differ from a “friend or friends with benefits” or a “one night stand” or are they all the same?

    • Glenn
      August 29, 2018

      Casual sex or hooking up refers to certain types of human sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship. The term is not always used consistently: it may refer to extramarital sex, sex in a casual relationship, one-time encounters, promiscuity, or sex in the absence of emotional attachment or love, which can include prostitution and swinging. Other terms sometimes associated with casual sex include friends with benefits, one night stand, recreational sex, social sex, non-relationship sex, no-strings-attached sex, physical relationship, or sex with no games. Recreational sex or social sex refers to sexual activity which focuses on sexual pleasure without an emotional aspect or commitment. Recreational sex can take place in a number of contexts. It may, for example, take place in an open marriage, such as among swingers where sex is viewed as a social occasion, or in an open relationship. It can also take place in a casual relationship.

  • Allin
    August 25, 2018

    A little bit of a turn off to learn that you have a main/primary partner Mistress T.

      • Allin
        September 3, 2018

        I’m sorry if I sounded rude just posting my thoughts no harm intended. If you don’t like what people comment on your blog don’t reply or disable the comments.

  • September 4, 2018

    hot white mistress (y)

  • Bernardo
    September 21, 2018

    I really love the way you express yourself, the way you do your job and treat very important questions like this. Your inteligence and psicology cativate me as much as your beauty and sensuality. Congrats! Your Brazilian fan.

  • comfortface
    November 29, 2018

    Interesting post, Mistress! I understand what you say about attention span and keeping blog posts short, but sometimes I wish there was a button labelled “for those who are really interested” and when I clicked on it, there was a longer version of the post where you could go deeper and feel free to elaborate as long as you wanted. 😉 Your insight is priceless, in my opinion.

  • Pharaoh
    January 6, 2019

    I don’t know how casual relationship works nor I’m mentally prepared for it. In the Middle East things are very different, sometimes I think even feelings are different, including people from Europe who come here.

  • Dante Magniafuoco
    January 23, 2019

    I think a lot of people have a hard time differentiating between love and sex which is why a lot of people cannot really sustain non-monogamous relationships. The danger for them is falling in love with one of their non-primary partners, which is a very heartbreaking scenario. My ex-partner who I loved dearly (and still have a lot of love for) had a different problem, she did love me but slept around without telling me her intentions to do so before hand. She deeply loved me and was deeply attracted to me, but also wasn’t capable of having a monogamous relationship. This was a betrayal of mutual trust between us. I think people should be clear on what they want in a relationship with their partners. If you cannot have a monogamous relationship, and yet that is all your partner wants, I fear that you do not belong together.

    Also, it is nice of you to point out that you are not the same person as in your videos. The videos we fantasy and it is sad that some fans would view it as reality… a form of objectification in itself.

    I think women and men should respect eachother. I am a true feminist in that I believe in gender equality.

    • Ingres
      February 4, 2019

      I think it’s possible that a woman who’s not having a child with a man she’s with is going through a certain kind of battle with her biological directives. Good sex, lots of food, good company, nice house…the body is therefore screaming “hey there’s no baby gestating in the womb, conditions looked good but he’s sterile honey, move on to the next virile man.”

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