In case you don’t know who Jian Ghomeshi is he’s the CBC broadcaster who was recently fired over assault allegations. He made a very public Facebook post defending himself & it has been all over the news for the last week.
Several women allege that he hit them with a closed fist or open hand; choked them with his hands around their neck to the point that they almost passed out; covered their nose and mouth so that they had difficulty breathing; and verbally abused them before, during, and after sex acts. The women have said that they did not consent to this behavior.
Ghomeshi said it was “consensual”. He admits to being into rough sex.
Most say this is not a conversation about kinky sex, it’s a conversation about assault. I tend to agree but since I’m in the fetish scene I’m going to focus on the kink angle.
If Ghomeshi has alternative sexual interests, like cross-dressers, foot fetishists, pony boys, diaper play fans, etc…it can be challenging to find partners to play out fantasies with. Ghomeshi admits to being into rough sex. It sounds like he likes to choke, smother & slap around his partners for sexual jollies. This is actually only a problem when the partner does not consent to that & isn’t into it (or if he takes it too far….um, “closed fists” might be too far dude)….but THIS is the part a lot of people will have a hard time with: there are women who really get off on that kind of play. They are out there. I bet Ghomeshi has even found a few, maybe even introduced this kind of play to a few women who didn’t even know they liked it.
It’s a complicated issue. Especially if his fetish hinges on the women NOT being into it…then that’s just straight up assault. But what if he’s just been really bad at finding like-minded sex partners….and/or really bad at negotiating the parameters of a rough sex ‘scene’?
So to be clear, yes, I am a women saying that some women would want this kind of rough sex…in fact, if Ghomeshi doesn’t end up in prison I bet he’ll never have to look very far to find cooperative bed buddies again. Sure, most women will hate him for being a scum bag woman beater…personally I see a possibility that it was a little left of that. I see a man with sexual urges he was unable to control, a man who did not respect women enough to ensure he had their clear consent for rough play & a man who took things too far. So a weak, stupid man. A man who did not know how to get his kinks fulfilled in a healthy way. Possibly a man with some other issues…but I’m not a therapist, again, I’m focusing mainly on the kink angle here.
So for us in the kink community here are the take-away lessons:
– It’s never okay to physically hurt another person without their explicit consent and boundaries discussed & agreed upon.
– Even if you are playing the submissive role you must speak up if you are not okay with what is happening (and/or ensure boundaries were clearly discussed before). Sex games aside you must take care of yourself & assert your right to be respected.
None of us are mind readers. Communicate!
This is an excellent unbiased new article with all the facts (updated today):
Side note: A lot of the coverage on this issue is about creating a safe place for victims of violence and sexual harassment to come forward. I am in complete support of that & mean no disrespect to any potential victims. I have chosen to take a closer look at one aspect of this situation with a BDSM perspective.