Okay…if a girl is already showing you her tits it’s okay to say they’re nice…
“Show me your tits” is a classic zero-class thing to say to a woman that will produce no positive result.
A female friend of mine was recently harassed in an alley at night while she was taking her garbage out. Three drunk guys told her to show them her tits. It reminded me of a great way to help men understand how very unwelcome that kind of attention is.
I’m talking to you guys…imagine that you’re walking down an alley at night & you encounter a few guys (bigger, tougher guys than you). They shout out ‘a compliment’: “Hey, nice ass!”. Before you can even react they follower it up with: “How bout you take your pants down & show us that ass.”
You then realize you’re in the roughest part of the gay part of town & these are tough, leather daddy homosexuals, drunk & feeling brave & horny in their group. You realize that if these guys decide they want to have you, you would likely not be able to fight them off. You realize that they’re likely quick to anger & could take you if you insult them.
How do you feel? What do you do?
(If this happens to be your sexual fantasy, to be gang-banged in an alley by some rough gay dudes please substitute them for something you’re NOT into sexually but threatened by…I don’t know, an auditor, divorce lawyer, Donald Trump, whatever.)
Most guys say they would love women to shout out cat calls to them, they think putting themselves in the women’s position is switching roles…but the key to understanding how a woman feels is to know that you could likely not fight off the unwanted advances of the person who is ‘complimenting’ you.
Make sense?
So, don’t cat call or shout at women from your cars, women walking down the street, etc. No positive outcome can be expected. At best it’s annoying to her, more often it feels threatening/scary for her. She’s not going to walk up to you & ask you to fuck her because you told her she has a nice shitter.
There are times when it’s appropriate to compliment a woman you don’t know but do it with grace: compliment her eyes, hair, outfit/style, laugh, smile, energy, (not her tits or ass). Do not act offended if she doesn’t respond the way you would like. Even if your intentions are good & your approach is ace, she does not owe you a positive response. You are not entitled to her gratitude. However she reacts, handle it with grace. Don’t get pissy & insult her if she doesn’t respond how you would like. You have no idea what she is going through in that moment or what she has been through before. Again, I can’t stress this enough: she does not owe you the response you want.
I know it’s a tough world out there…people can seem cold, it’s hard to make genuine connections, you might be lonely & craving human interaction…you might be desperately horny. I could list potential ways to meet people but this post is about how to NOT talk to women so I’ll keep it on point & leave it there. Treat women the way you would want men to treat your sister, mother, daughter or respected & cherished female friends.
xo
Mistress T
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You made your point very clear. It is disappointing that this still needs to be explained.
Agree 100% with everything you said.
Great piece as always and very true. I’ve recently come out properly and so am spending increasing amounts of time as Jo. I came back late from a long weekend at a friend’s and had to do the fifteen minute walk back from the station to home. In male mode I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but I was suddenly very aware that as far as anyone looking at me was concerned I was a women, on her own, in one of the less salubrious areas of town. Nothing happened, but it really focussed my mind and I was even more wary than usual. The expression of you want to know what it’s like walk a mile in that person’s shoes seems very appropriate.
I haven’t had a bad experience, yet, but I’m sure it is in the post at some point.
Thank you again for another great post.
Lots of love
Jo xxx
I think You’re preaching to the choir on Your blog, Mistress. It’s hard to imagine subbies acting in such a disrespectful manner to any Woman – especially a Strong Woman.
Based on some of the comments I delete before they’re published & emails I get I can assure you that every one who encounters my blog/vids/twitter is not a well-mannered subbie. The uncomfortable truth is that I have the attention of a lot of young men, still becoming the men they will be. I hope to balance out the disinformation they get from watching porn & help them to become better people in real life.
A noble goal.
Very good post indeed. I would add that men should probably also be a little more thoughtful when encountering women in secluded or quiet places, particularly at night. I always try to be as discreet as possible if I’m the only one walking behind a woman on a quiet street or dimly-lit area in the dark hours, usually crossing over to the other side in case she’s a trifle concerned, particularly if our paths correspond for any duration. Also, I’m a fast walker but do slow down in these circumstances in case that might also cause concern, the sound of quick footsteps in an otherwise deserted landscape hardly being conducive to a woman’s sense of calm, I’d guess.
Maybe I’m fretting unnecessarily over this, but that’s my gut instinct so therefore I behave accordingly…
Back in 1990, I worked on W 26th St. in NYC & my wife worked on W 57th. Her subway stop was 57th & Broadway. My wife is 5’2” & has a 36 C bust. A lot of homeless people hung out at this stop. One morning a black woman asked her
for change, my wife said “Sorry” & kept walking. As my wife passed, the woman said “Nice titties, can I kiss them?” My wife turned, told her “Thank-you” & gave her a couple of dollars.
Your blog is both exciting, but also insightful and educational.
Hi Mistress T, you are the first other person I have ever seen to use the gay rape analogy to explain this to guys. Kudos
My big sister was molested in my presence when I was a little kid, 4 years old. She was about 5 and a half and the molester was probably about 7 or 8. I didn’t really know what was going on but I knew something was wrong, and that my sister was afraid and upset. That horrible feeling of being unable to help her, and unable to escape the room, and unable to do anything still surfaces from time to time.
What a F-ed up mess! Yes, by all means we need to keep the freaking comments to ourself. In fact question WTH we even have the urge to make the catcall or compliment in the first place??
Sadly there has been no attempt at Society Wide consciousness raising since the 70s. So most people aren’t aware there are actual GOOD reasons for a lot of what is now days often dismissed as political correctness.
NON SEQUITUR
In perhaps a related item, I am deeply offended by popular movies (comedies) that have comments in them about boys masturbating to thoughts of the girls in their school. I understand the urges, but dude if you got to cuff the carrot, do it to images of a professional porn star, or at least someone you will never meet.
Maybe I am full of it, but it seems damn presumptuous, intrusive, and disrespectful to me. I was going to address this in my blog, but I keep being too lazy to write the post.
Comfortface made the point that it is sad that this still has to be brought up, I agree. Upon reflection, perhaps we do have to keep bringing it up because there is always going to be a new crop of dudes coming of age, and if they don’t learn respect for others, including respect for women, at home, then the rest of us will end up being the ones to tell them.
This blog of yours is good because it reminds us to be a bit reserved and deferential around women we don’t know. I know I tend to be a bit loud and forward, and the reminder never hurts.