Respecting Boundaries

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I’ve written a post similar to this in the past but it bears repeating as my audience is particularly ripe for this kind of education, being mostly men. I believe that most men, especially submissive men, are good guys, they get it, they’re respectful. The genuine shit heads are the extreme minority. Then there’s the guys who are good at heart but misguided, uninformed & with a bit of education could migrate from the “kind of a shit head” category to the “good guy” club.

I had a mildly bad experience with a private session client this week.

He wrote that he wanted just a foot worship session with some clothed (yoga pants) face sitting, dinner out first. He had requested sessions numerous times over the years & as I rarely accept new clients it had taken that long to actually set it up. I screened him & everything seemed fine. I sent him my FAQ which clearly states my boundaries & I reiterated them in an email: no intercourse, no oral sex of any kind.

Over dinner there was an opportunity to discuss why I take so few sessions these days & one of the reasons I stated was that most guys want what I don’t allow: intercourse & oral sex. I explained that I accepted him because he requested activities that I like & I feel comfortable with.

In the private session he proceeded to try to push those boundaries, mostly verbally but also physically. Not in an aggressive way, but his hands roamed & I had to remove his hands from rubbing my crotch several times while firmly telling him “no”. He asked numerous times to lick my asshole & to have sex with me. When I told him that asking again would result in the session ending early he just stated what he wished for without asking for it: “You’re just so sexy, I would love to fuck you.”

I held my boundaries, stayed profession & the session ended on schedule with the client feeling like he’d had a great experience & he hoped I had a good time too.

Afterward I sent him this email & to any guy who read the above & didn’t really see a problem with what happened, or who thought I should have just kicked the guy out, please read this & try to understand:

“I’d like to provide some feedback on the session last night in an effort to help you understand something important, from a different perspective. So please read with an open mind.

Imagine that you’ve taken your car to a mechanic to get it fixed. You’ve come back to pick up your car after closing time. It’s just you & the mechanic at the shop.

This mechanic is bigger & stronger than you. He tells you it’s going to take an hour to finish fixing your car, you might as well wait. He compliments your ass & it soon becomes clear that this mechanic is attracted to you.

You let him know that you are straight & that you’re not interested. He apologizes but tells you anyway how much he would like to fuck you. Even though you’ve made it clear that’s not going to happen, he tells you a few more times how much he would like to fuck you & asks if he can at least give your ass a squeeze. He’s being nice, not aggressive but he then tries to rub your crotch & asks if he can see your asshole. He keeps asking for more even though you say no.

Again, you are all alone with him & you can’t leave yet because he hasn’t finished fixing your car.

He continues to tell you what a great ass you have, that you’re just so sexy & how much he would like to fuck you.

Are you imagining this? How do you feel? Do you feel uncomfortable? Do you think you would find that fun or enjoyable? He’s complimenting you & just telling you what he would like to do. He keeps asking for what you’ve said no to, but he’s nice about it. He isn’t being aggressive but you don’t know this guy, if you reject him too hard or if you’re rude, who knows what he might do? He might rape you or hurt you. He might not fix your car. You don’t know, do you?

Now think about last night.

Did you do anything ‘very’ wrong? No. Did you cross the line & make me uncomfortable? Yes. Did you make me not want to see clients because of uncomfortable situations like that? Yes.

I’m telling you this so you don’t do this to other women. If you want sex, hire an escort. I sent you my FAQ which outlines my boundaries clearly. I stated again in email & yet again in person what my boundaries were…yet you continued to try to push them to the point where I had to threaten to end the session early. That’s shitty.”

He did not respond to the email, in case you’re curious. He’s only one guy & maybe I can’t get through to him…but this blog reaches a bigger audience so to you reading this, yes you, don’t behave like that, okay? Respect boundaries. Whether it’s a regular date or a paid date, know that she’s likely on guard, as most women constantly are. Unless you are getting a clear ‘yes’ than it’s probably a ‘no’ or ‘not yet’. Get explicit consent & keep getting it. Accept a ‘no’ gracefully or a withdraw of consent no matter when it comes. Her body, her choice.

Even if you’ve paid for a sexual service, it’s still her body, her choice. A clear negotiation of services for pay helps prevent misunderstandings but paying for one thing doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything/everything.

Put yourself in the women’s place. Really, that’s the heart of empathy, trying to understand how another person feels. In doing so you are learning emotional intelligence & that is useful as hell in life.

If you already get this, pay it forward, look for opportunities to educate other men by being a good role model or explain this to them. Basically, if men imagined other bigger/stronger men doing to them what they do to women they have an easier time ‘getting it’. It’s not as simple as rape or not, it’s about a potentially threatening situation where rape is possible & you have to ‘handle’ the other person & hope it doesn’t come to that.

Be better men & help other men be better too.

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Mistress T

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29 thoughts on “Respecting Boundaries

  1. Your clarity and firmness should be respected, EVERY time!

    I admire your diplomacy and thoughtfulness. Had you been more aggressive (which would have been 100% appropriate) in your reply, it would have been no problem, in m view. It should have been unnecessary to write to him, in particular because you were 100% right and clear!

    • She would be justified in being more aggressive, but there’s always a risk with women doing that. He could also get aggressive or violent, you just don’t know.

  2. You’re absolutely right Mistress T, I would absolutely follow any rule you would have for us, i total respect for you and I would even be alittle afraid of accidently violating any of your rules, you are strong, dominant and intelligent, I woldnt want to get on your bad side, and I definitely wouldn’t want you to stop entertaining us because of a few idiots. You are very beautiful and very talented, it is nice just to see your face, and awesome to see all of you, you are way above anyone else in your business and I see you as classy and graceful and and any man’s dream woman, certainly my dream woman, I would be blessed just to shake your hand some day in person

    Thank you for everything Mistress T
    I love you!
    Philip

  3. Things like that just sound obvious, and I’m often surprised by how many people don’t realise it. I try to do my part in spreading the word. If they won’t listen to women telling them then they might listen to another guy.

    You get what you pay for. If sex isn’t part of the package then you aren’t getting sex. If you want that, pay an escort who actually offers that. Getting a session with you is an achievement in itself, so to go through all that trouble, and try to get sex out of it sounds like a lot of effort with no chance of success, even without knowing boundaries. It just makes more sense to go to an escort. It would probably be cheaper, too.

  4. Great post as always, but I particularly love the parallel with the mechanic I’ve never seen it done like that before and when I read it it just made perfect sense.
    Take care of you I hope that you have a fabulous time in Africa.
    Jo xxx

  5. I don’t mean to defend your client (he knew the rules), but as a man, I can also
    understand how things can change once you’re finally in the company of your favorite mistress.

    Whenever there’s arousal involved, the brain has a tendency to shut off for a lot
    of people. Even normally rational people can be reduced to slobbering fools, given
    the right circumstances.

    Whether this person’s intentions were “pure” at first but changed at the sight of you, or if he planned to seduce you all along, I don’t know. But given the line of work you do, you’re putting yourself at far greater risk for something like this happening, than if you’d, say, simply visit a mechanic. You don’t show up naked with your car, do you?

    Be careful out there, T. No screening will ever guarantee that a man will be able
    to control himself. Even men who think they can may change.

    • This is complete & utter bullshit. I think you & everyone else knows by now the whole “a man can’t control himself when he’s aroused” is an excuse, inaccurate & a pathetic way to not take responsibility.

      • Of course it’s bullshit.
        But what I meant was that there are men out there
        who really can’t control themselves.
        And the more provocative the situation they find themselves in, the less control they have over their actions.

        I’m sure you’ll agree that what you do can be considered provocative, right? OK, so while I will never defend a man (or woman) who violates the rules of social conduct, it makes sense to me that, doing what you do, you’re putting yourself in a situation where something like this is more likely to happen.

        Is it your fault? No. But surely you must realize the potential risk involved, or you wouldn’t bother screening clients.

        Human nature is what it is, and it’s not always pretty.
        But while I will never sexually harrass anyone, I find people who are surprised when others do to be naive.

    • You do your entire gender a disservice with this line of thinking. If a man forces himself on a woman who has made clear her boundaries (that he is now wilfully ignoring), it’s not because “he’s a man unable to control himself”, it’s because he’s something tantamount to a rapist.

      Trying to normalise this type of behaviour is so damaging.

      • Rape happens all the time, so I’d say it’s normal.
        It’s not right, but it’s common enough that it shouldn’t surprise anyone when it happens.

        Especially not if you’re a sex worker.
        Seriously, do I really need to explain why you’re more likely
        to be raped the more provocative you are?

        People are animals. And I’m just stating how things are.
        I’m NOT defendinbg rapists. OK?

        • Hey Marcus,
          The statement that sex workers are at higher risk for rape is incorrect. I could dig up the stats or you could if we really want to back up our different perspectives but surely we have better things to do with our time? If not, let me know & I’ll do the research to back up what I know to be true. Sex work is actually far less risky than just dating in the regular world.
          Rape is much more likely to occur in a ‘date rape’ kind of scenario. Cops refer to the vanilla dating app “Plenty of Fish” as “Plenty of Rape”.
          As for the provocative part…since people love to blame what the woman was wearing, I was wearing plain cotton grey yoga pants & a loose fitting regular t-shirt with a sports bra. That’s provocative for a guy who has a fetish for yoga pants I suppose, as that’s what he requested, but I doubt if he had raped me anyone would have said I was “asking for it” by wearing that. Well, maybe you Marcus, you might have said that while not defending the rapist but by making out-dated, proven-to-be-incorrect statements that take the responsibility away from the rapist & put it on the victim. Give it a good long think & I’ll be happy to provide you with links that will hopefully educate you. I’d rather change your perspective than have you just dig in stubbornly & keep parroting the same bull shit that has allowed men to continue to get away with bad behavior because they’re just “animals who can’t help themselves.”

          • Jesus Christ, T!
            I’m not defending or trying to justify what your client tried to do, or what rapists do by blaming it on the women!

            I’m simply saying that there are a lot of men out there who can’t control themselves.
            And that is NOT me making excuses for them!

            And as for what they find provocative or not, that comes down to their personal, subjective tastes and desires. For some it’s a short dress, for others it’s yoga pants.

            So if you had the misfortune of meeting one of these men, that can’t have been a pleasant experience for you. But given how you engage in erotic games with men, is it really that surprising to you that a few of them turn out to be sick individuals?

            Understand that, again, I’m not blaming you.
            I was merely wishing that you be careful in the future.

            And instead I’m met with this ultra-feminist hatred I don’t deserve.

          • My disagreement with some of your statements & my efforts to educate you are “ultra-feminist hatred”?
            Wow, okay never mind Marcus. When men react like that (name-calling, especially using feminism as an insult) you’re beyond educating. Bye.

        • You’re not defending rapists but you are (perhaps unwittingly) normalising rape. Rape is not normal. It happens, obviously, but when you dismiss it as a natural part of male sexuality or look to things like a woman being sexually provocative as an unavoidable cause of rape, you contribute to a culture that tolerates and justifies and excuses sexual assault, even if you personally don’t condone it.

          • Well, I don’t take kindly to having words put in my mouth. Especially not when I’ve explained to you, over and over again, what I mean and what I DON’T mean.

            I get the feeling you’re almost taking out your anger for what happened to you on me, and I’m afraid I won’t stand for that.

            I haven’t done anything but sympathize with you and suggest that you be careful in the future. So I guess that makes me a male scumbag and a defender of rapists in your view?

            I’ve enjoyed your videos, but I don’t enjoy or being treated like shit.

            Good day to you.

          • Mistress T, I have total respect for you, I agree with you, whatever rules you have for us I will follow, thank you for everything you have given us, I hope you will not be discouraged by a few, I appreciate you, let it be as you say.

            Yours truly,
            Your humble servant,
            Philip

          • Clearly, you don’t. But I’ve no intention of hanging around a bunch of
            fan boys who’re hell-bent on protecting their mistress, no matter what she says.

            But I get it, she couldn’t possibly agree with me that there are sick men out there who really can’t control themselves, because by doing that, she might piss off some of her male clients.

            Nor have I ever seen her admitting to being wrong to anyone ever, so I suppose it’s just not in her dominating nature.
            Although, she’ll no doubt disagree on that point as well.

            Whatever. I’ve tried to be nice and understanding. But if this is the response I get for pointing out the obvious, I’m going to fuck off for good.

            No need to tell me twice.

  6. Hi Miss,

    Hope you are fine. I think tat you’are totaly right about this and i can’t imagie the fear that u could feel at this moment. Hopefuly, you’re fine even if a little bit still shocked as it seems. Anyway, you are right to remind this in your post to any guys who use to do this kind of dates!

    Best regards,

    RubberN

  7. Dear Mistress, Its simple, a no is telling you to stop what you’re doing or asking for something not on the menu. You are a very beautiful woman. I am surprised that you don’t have security for that sort of encounter.
    I’ve shown my youngest granddaughter, 15, a few of your photos & your skydiving clip. She too thinks you are beautiful.

  8. Dear Mistress, I’ve read the comments that were E-mailed to me. Rape is rape &
    its WRONG! If a woman or man says NO to something, game over! I took a much younger woman on a date in ’85. After dinner & a movie, I took her back to my place for drinks. We then began to make-out, she seamed willing to go farther but then she moved my hand away & she said she couldn’t. I respected what she said. After coffee, I drove her home, kissed her good-night, parted as friends. We worked at the same photo studio.

  9. # 2. Being Bi, I can comment on the other side of the coin. Again from ’85, I worked at a photo studio on W 26th St. in NYC. A free-lance photographer would work there when needed. He was Gay, older & much bigger than me. He went to the photo studio in the sky 15yrs ago. He asked out to dinner & then for drinks at his place in the Chelsea Hotel. I made it clear I was OK with sex only.
    I wasn’t into anything kinky. I was the sub & it was OK. After we finished, he asked about tying me down, I said No. I’m 5’8′ & 205#s, he was 6’2″ & 260#s.
    As it turned out, he respected what I said.

  10. Mistress T – GREAT post and honest feedback and advice to all of us – not just the guy involved.

    I have a question that I hope you will take with all due respect – it involves a play scenario that comes close to he above. My S.O. and I have done this on several occasions and it is hot for both of us but have wondered how or whether this could be done In a professional setting

    She basically binds me in some way that is inescapable and then proceeds to tease me mercilessly. I beg her to fuck me, or give me whatever job comes to mind. of course I am powerless to do anything and the graphic begging turns her on more making her teasing more cruel which makes my begging more desperate and on and on.

    So my question is how would you feel about that type of professional session if we both knew the graphic begging was part of the role play and there was no way I could escapee?

    Appreciate your candor

  11. It’s a tough spot to be in. Handling someone with a certain amount of care and caution. Not just to spare their feelings but for your safety. The unknown is a scary thing to predict. It just reminds me of all the posts guys are so sweet, begging to do anything to Meet/Date/Serve/Worship/Fuck etc. That when they are politely turned down, mainly because they are complete unknown strangers, they respond with harsh insults.

    Not in anyway justifying his behavior, but admittedly I do imagine/fantasize about begging you…but in a cuckold humiliation type roleplay, where rejection is expected but also part of the discussed fetish I am interested in…mainly because of your incredible influence in that area. Also my begging would not include any physical attempt as per respecting boundaries.
    The point being, is to discuss and agreed upon a scenario. No last minute additions or expectations. Putting yourself in her shoes, keep in mind, as familiar as you are with her work, she’s a real person who you barely know and you’re a stranger. She displayed great patience and tact in her blog situation.
    Just be happy you were lucky enough to session with a legend and don’t ruin it for others.
    This is not a reply to any other poster.

  12. Oh crud, I am so sad to hear that happened to you Mistress T.

    I agree that your mechanic analogy is a good one. Getting guys to see that rape is a crime of violence and oppression using physical stature or a weapon or threat or drugs to gain an advantage can be a hard thing to teach.

    I have found that the only way to get some guys to understand the prevailing fear of rape and risk of rape is to put it to them in a prison context. Many will say that is a reductio ad absurdum argument, but some get it when it is put in such a way.

    To all guys reading this, if you want to see how damaging that coercion/restraint can be, consider this:

    Way back around 1964 my older sister was detained and molested by an older neighbor boy. She required counseling just to be able to return to school normally, and has basically lived a life denied of the joy of a romantic relationship due to the trauma, eating disorder, and bad associations coming from the event. I was four, and vaguely remember the incident, but the one thing I do remember is my horror at not being able to stop him, and having to see him do that to her.
    Let’s just say it did not do a whole lot to advance my life either.

    Just MHO but we cant do enough to fight the wrong thinking and behavior and emotions that empower and encourage abusing females. (Please understand I am aware some men are victims of similar abuse, but it is much rarer, and is not the topic at hand).

    A part of the solution may lie in us advocating for a male mentality that respects women fully, as would be the case after what we called in the 70s, consciousness raising.

    Another part would be if men would take pride in the respect for others, restraint of actions, and consideration for others perspective that are the mark of a true gentleman. Not much done to popularize this in the rush to vulgarity that is modern pop culture.

    It also probably would help if everyone would remember that internet fantasies aside, urges and fetishes and desires in the sexual area are but a mere portion of a healthy life, and should never be used to justify or encourage a deviation from simple manners and a healthy mental respect for others. Be they Mistress, Client, Slave, whatever label is on them, they are still a person with feelings, who can be hurt by us.

    Peace and acceptance to all of you, and may you spread that to others. OldBearSwitch.

  13. Just wanted to say, and for what it’s worth, I will most likely continue to read your blog, but this will probably be my last comment because there is not much more to be said when you’ve gained all of my respect, and your blog posts already garner the love and support they deserve regardless of if I comment. I have nothing new to offer in terms of praise and admiration that your other fans give you, but I do have on thing I would like to offer in this finally comment to you Mistress T. I would like to say thank you. You may not know it, but you intervened and impacted my life at a point when I didn’t understand the difference between respect and disrespect, and how to appropriately approach someone who’s work I enjoyed. You educated me on that, and it was in truth an eye opener. I would just like to say thank you for guiding me in the right direction towards proper etiquette, of which I have learned the skills needed to advance myself in my career of choice. When we first spoke I was just a online cartoonist, and I drew you a cartoon apology. Now I’m a commissioned comic book artist working on multiple projects. So, again, for what it’s worth, I just wanted to say thank you, for being one of the most remarkable women I’ve ever had the pleasure of talking to. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.

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