It has been an interesting week.
I went to a play that was very emotionally moving. I went back the next night & the next. Three nights in a row I sat there, knowing what was coming & let my heart be ripped wide open. I cried. Tears pouring down my cheeks, too paralyzed witnessing this moving display to even wipe my face. All around me I could hear quiet sniffles as others were crying too. The feeling of being in a room of people all experiencing the same intense feeling is powerful. In such contrast to our normal lives. Non-connections with strangers. Often feeling so little.
I offered to film the performance the fourth night as a gift.
I sat there last night holding my camera. The camera that I’ve had such an intimate relationship with for years. How many times have I set it up, turned it on, checked the lighting & frame? Looked at myself in the viewfinder & turned it on? Turned it on & turned into someone else for 10-20 minutes. How many times I’ve stood in front of that camera & looked into the lens as if I’m looking you right in the eye. Imagining that I’m penetrating your soul. I’ve held eye contact with my camera, said & done more personal things for it than I have for almost any real human. I’ve often said that if aliens looked down & observed me they would think that I was in love with my camera, that we’re in an intimate relationship.
I sat there last night & held my camera. I looked through the viewfinder at the same moving performance I’d seen the last three nights in a row. When the moments came, the hard moments, the gut-wrenching moments I was ready with my tissue…but the tears did not come. I did not get the tightness in my throat. It did not feel like I got kicked in the gut. I did not feel like I could collapse on the stage with the performer & sob with her.
I felt nothing.
The play ended & the lights went out. We all sat there in a moment of darkness. Everyone else changed forever. Everyone else wiping their tears & struggling to take a breath to compose themselves. I stared at the viewfinder with its timer, telling me how much battery life was left & how much recording room. I felt alarm at my numbness.
I have processed this experience & I am guessing that after years of being someone else with that camera that I’ve rewired my brain. That I disconnect from my authentic self to perform…which is not surprising or necessarily bad…but it’s important to be aware of. I have not been able to write my book while working, even when working very little. I could only write when I took a couple months off earlier this year. I can’t do both at the same time. So…here is an advance heads up that I will be taking another couple months off at some point in the near future to invest time in writing my book, which I feel very driven to do. I already have a few extra months of content filmed so when I’m ready I can do it. I still love what I do. I don’t want to stop or even take time off…but it’s in conflict with something else I really want to do. Such is life.
I’ll say what I’ve said many times…this blog is about getting to know me more intimately…in case anyone is pissed off there was no jack off material again. That’s what my vids are for:-)