It has been an interesting week.

I went to a play that was very emotionally moving. I went back the next night & the next. Three nights in a row I sat there, knowing what was coming & let my heart be ripped wide open. I cried. Tears pouring down my cheeks, too paralyzed witnessing this moving display to even wipe my face. All around me I could hear quiet sniffles as others were crying too. The feeling of being in a room of people all experiencing the same intense feeling is powerful. In such contrast to our normal lives. Non-connections with strangers. Often feeling so little.

I offered to film the performance the fourth night as a gift.

I sat there last night holding my camera. The camera that I’ve had such an intimate relationship with for years. How many times have I set it up, turned it on, checked the lighting & frame? Looked at myself in the viewfinder & turned it on? Turned it on & turned into someone else for 10-20 minutes. How many times I’ve stood in front of that camera & looked into the lens as if I’m looking you right in the eye. Imagining that I’m penetrating your soul. I’ve held eye contact with my camera, said & done more personal things for it than I have for almost any real human. I’ve often said that if aliens looked down & observed me they would think that I was in love with my camera, that we’re in an intimate relationship.

I sat there last night & held my camera. I looked through the viewfinder at the same moving performance I’d seen the last three nights in a row. When the moments came, the hard moments, the gut-wrenching moments I was ready with my tissue…but the tears did not come. I did not get the tightness in my throat. It did not feel like I got kicked in the gut. I did not feel like I could collapse on the stage with the performer & sob with her.

I felt nothing.

The play ended & the lights went out. We all sat there in a moment of darkness. Everyone else changed forever. Everyone else wiping their tears & struggling to take a breath to compose themselves. I stared at the viewfinder with its timer, telling me how much battery life was left & how much recording room. I felt alarm at my numbness.

I have processed this experience & I am guessing that after years of being someone else with that camera that I’ve rewired my brain. That I disconnect from my authentic self to perform…which is not surprising or necessarily bad…but it’s important to be aware of. I have not been able to write my book while working, even when working very little. I could only write when I took a couple months off earlier this year. I can’t do both at the same time. So…here is an advance heads up that I will be taking another couple months off at some point in the near future to invest time in writing my book, which I feel very driven to do. I already have a few extra months of content filmed so when I’m ready I can do it. I still love what I do. I don’t want to stop or even take time off…but it’s in conflict with something else I really want to do. Such is life.

I’ll say what I’ve said many times…this blog is about getting to know me more intimately…in case anyone is pissed off there was no jack off material again. That’s what my vids are for:-)


Mistress T

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20 thoughts on “Performance

  1. So very glad your finding a muse to aid in your writing. Personally this sissy is interested in your writings and your book. As a Mistress you as a person you are extra special . There is more to life than jacking off (well not that’s a bad thing).

  2. This is not uncommon for those that work behind a camera.
    For example, photographers in war zones can be oblivious to the dangers about them as they go about their work, to the astonishment of non-filming colleagues.
    Mild or meek people can become very animated with a musical instrument in their hands; etc, etc.

    As Nietzsche sort of put it – the apparatus that we use alters the way we approach events..

  3. I was at a concert this year for the first time since smartphones exploded. It was a stellar performance at a small venue, but so many people were filming it was creepy. They looked at a 4″ stage on a screen instead of the real stage 30 feet away. I left early, it was depressing.
    Anyhow I look forward to your book, there’s something really inspiring about making your life and being fearless about it (or if not fearless, courageous enough to stick your tongue out at fear and leap).
    Good luck unblanking your pages.

  4. Live theatre can be a moving experience and I believe bring society together.

    I had a similar reaction to the last play I saw a few weeks ago – August Wilson’s “Fences”. Was not in a position to go back the next day but would have gladly done so

  5. That’s nice, there have been some performances and movies that have squeezed a tear out of my eyes and it feels like everyone can see you and you try to be stoic but the eyes just well up and the tear rolls down the cheek and i try not to wipe it off so people around me don’t see that i’m emotionally touched so i do a quick swipe.
    One of the movies that did that to me was The Patriot when mel gibsons little daughter didn’t want to hug him and as he walks away she yells out “papa!” It was a real tear jerker.
    Anyway Mistress T, i love you, you are so beautiful and i love your work. You are the perfect woman for me, you look alot like this beautiful girl i know, when i see her she reminds me of you. I wish i was one of your cast members!
    I love you!
    Philip E

  6. Your verbals in your videos helps define the persona of Mistress T. They are wonderful. The glimpses of your humanity in your writing helps define the “real” you. They are even more wonderful.

  7. Interesting and incredible Miss T. Hard to imagine such a distinction between being behind the camera and without… Hope You do find the time to feed Your soul and write Your book. You are lovely Miss T

  8. How great you were able to have this realization. Every experience happens for a reason and this one even more so. I support you taking that time off to pursue your book wholeheartedly, being your true self, stripped of any labels or mechanisms. Best wishes for the journey and enjoy it.

  9. What fabulous insight you have Mistress. You are vividly inspirational and you contribute volumes by sharing your soul in the vulnerable fashion you choose.
    The work you choose to do is wonderful, courageous, brilliantly fun and fulfills such deep parts of a man like me that I fear may never come to life and in ways perhaps a fan can never quite telegraph to you except to simply say, “Thank You Mistress T for who you are and what you share”. On bended knee.

  10. Dear Mistress T, that was a nice post which certainly makes you think. It is possible that, as you say, the camera brought up your persona, rather than your own self (the part of you that got moved by the performance in the previous days).

    However, I have had a similar experience in live performances. The “live experience” is magic because/when there’s this direct connection between what you see/hear/feel and your brain. The moment you put some device in between, that “magic” is gone.

    It’s happened to me when doing a semi-professional recording of a concert (the worries about technicalities prevented me from fully enjoying the music). It also happened to me when I went to my second Paul McCartney live concert: a friend of mine could not attend because he got sick and I thought it would be nice to film some songs with my mobile for him; well, those songs I didn’t enjoy half as much as the ones I wasn’t filming.

    Apart from that, I can’t wait to read your book, so please take your time and I hope you succeed in finishing it.

    All the best! xoxoxo

  11. ” I cried. Tears pouring down my cheeks, too paralyzed witnessing this moving display to even wipe my face”
    I haven’t been so moved since that Gilbert Gottfried show in 2009.

    You have a way with words, you should write that book.

  12. Love it. I work in theatre production and utterly relate to what you say. An insightful and moving commentary on life, art, and the sense of self.

  13. It doesn’t seem that unusual to me, I think its just that you have multiple personalities. Everyone has them, you are a different personality when you talk to a dog as when you talk to your mother. You clearly have a different personality for the camera too.

  14. This post is awesome! To be honest with you, I don’t even come to this site to look at “jack-off” material. I go straight to your blog. Your blog is my favorite thing about your site. You are an intellectual woman and I applaud you for letting your fans get to know you on a more intimate level.

  15. Bertolt Brecht would refer to your experience behind the camera as “verfremdungseffekt” – the numbness experienced when viewed from afar. Without the camera you felt entwined with the characters’ experiences and “forgot” that you were in a theatre watching a play. But by viewing through the lens of the camera, you were constantly being reminded of the fact that you were watching a performance with actors. And you failed…because verfremdungseffekt always makes me want to jerk off. 😉

    • Thank you Jimmy! Made me laugh out loud sitting here at the Delta Lounge in Salt Lake City. I gawfawed and almost did a pratt fall spit spew of my coffee but managed to maintain my composure.

  16. I’ve been a photographer for many years, both professionally and as an amateur. I have covered some interesting and sometimes quite unpleasant things, as a nominated first aider I’ve dealt with some nasties too. The detachment from the situation in front of you in both roles is scary, it’s also almost essential, once emotion kicks in rationality leaves, so no matter what I’m calm and efficient and although I am taking everything in it doesn’t get to me until later, usually much later. I think it just goes with the job, it’s almost like putting on armour. The flip side is I will watch a movie and blub at every sad, moving, beautiful, you name it, moment. I am terrible, letters, moving posts any excuse and I can weep, but when I’m working that bit of me is kept safely locked away.
    Just thought I’d share have I really super week I shall look forward to reading your book when it is finished.
    Lots of love
    Jo xxx

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