If I knew then what I know now…


This blog post will likely not be titillating. That’s your fair warning if you were hoping for jerk off material. My vids are GREAT jerk off material, by the way:-)

Last night I hosted a focus group for a friend of mine who is planning to start an initiative for educating young women on sex issues. The purpose of the focus group was to find out what topics should be covered in more depth, to find out what young women want to know more about.

I was in attendance as a more experienced woman in the areas of sexual health, fetish/BDSM/kink, fetish parties, non-monogamy, consent, etc. I asked another mature female friend of mine to attend who has extensive knowledge in tantra, mindful masturbation, connection/intimacy, etc. (She’s well known for her tantra sessions, intimacy coaching, etc.: http://oliviajade.net/)

The conversation moved organically around a variety of topics: how to communicate with your lover about how you like to be touched & pleasured, dealing with lovers who have erectile dysfunction or low sex drive, tips on giving better blowjobs/handjobs, mutual masturbation, safer sex practices, how & where to get STI testing, where to get sex toys, sexual safety, consent & techniques to navigate date rape & non-violent sexual assault, helpful books to read, where to get fetish attire for fetish parties, birth control, how to teach a guy to clean his foreskin properly, learning how to have better orgasms, opening monogamous relationship up to include others, etiquette at sex parties or swinger parties, how to discuss your kinks or curiosities with a new partner…I deliberately just rattled off random topics because that’s how the conversation went, organically, naturally, moving from one topic to the next. We covered a lot of ground & in the end my friend got quite a few topic ideas that could be dedicated sessions.

In the beginning it was awkward but as we all became more comfortable & familiar I could see the value in this. Mature, more experienced women there to answer questions & give advice, younger women coming together & hearing each others questions, knowing that they aren’t alone or the only ones who have dealt with difficult situations or the only ones who don’t know certain things. The younger women were very appreciative of the opportunity & I’m a sucker for feeling appreciated. I for sure will be volunteering my home & myself for anything like this in the future.

I have been thinking for awhile of doing a series of non-pornographic vids for younger men. Vids that educate & help them to become better lovers & more intimately ‘connected’ to themselves. I would cover topics like masturbation techniques to prepare themselves for sex with another person, communication techniques to improve sex with another person, hygiene & grooming, consent/respect/compassion, understanding that most porn is entertainment not education/unlearning bad habits formed from watching porn, how to discuss your kinks with a new partner, etc. After last night I feel inspired to educate both young men & women. If I had known then what I know now! Well, I can help some of them get valuable info that will make their sex lives better, reduce anxiety, shame, confusion, etc.

If you have a topic you’d like me to cover in an educational vid please use the comments section here on my blog.

Mistress T

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18 thoughts on “If I knew then what I know now…

  1. Your idea for the video series is really interesting. It will appeal to your fans, of course, and probably much more broadly if you can find that audience. It feels like the time is coming for more sex-positive and feminist-friendly content in mainstream web syndication. Who knows? But you’re a ground-breaker and I wouldn’t be surprised if you landed on Huffington Post. It would probably prevent some date rapes – seriously. That alone makes it a heroic pursuit.

    • Thanks. Regarding your comment about the Huffington Post…it’s interesting that in today’s world everyone seems to want to be a celebrity, more well known, to have fame. I am much more comfortable flying under the radar. I’ve turned down opportunities for reality shows & the like. The only thing stronger than my aversion to mainstream fame is my drive to help people/make a difference in this world. I know, I’m a bleeding heart hippie *eye roll*…but it’s true. If I create vids that truly help people & make a positive difference in the world the more people who see them the better…but know that I will personally be shying away from the spotlight.

      • The world is lucky to have you. (I’ve thought so many times while watching your videos too.) I understand your hesitance about large scale media though. Being a celeb doesn’t look nearly as appealing as it was before Twitter and cam phones. I hope you find a goldilocks zone.

  2. Good evening Mistress T,

    Thank you for the follow earlier today on Twitter. As someone with a great deal of experience I was wondering if you have encountered retarded ejaculation before and if so whether you have any helpful advice. I’m posting this because I suffer from this interesting and somewhat frustrating condition. It has good and bad points. The good is that when turned on I can maintain and erection for some considerable time, which I’m sure is a yeh from the ladies, the bad is that I can’t orgasm, or at least not in company. On my own, nice fantasy masturbation fine, with some one else involved nothing, in fact I have only orgasmed with some on else four times! Three through masturbation and once full penetrative sex! I’m secessioning with a lovely lady now, have a look at my profile on Twitter and you will soon guess who and whilst our secessions are such fun and totally amazing which is lovely, I can’t seem to give her that last bit. I get so far and then it’s much like in a plane or a racing car as you are about to crash the kill switches get hit. Still rock hard but it’s as though someone has cut the sensation link. From reading about it I know it is psychological not physical and the partner that I have been with for some years hasn’t helped that, but I was wondering if you have encountered this before and as such an experienced practitioner whether you could offer any help or advice.

    Thank you so much for reading I’d just be really interested to have your thoughts on this.

    Very best regards

    Jo Armstrong

    • It’s not an area of expertise of mine & I have limited experience with it but it’s probably surprisingly common. If it’s psychological you would likely benefit from the services of an expert in this field. Olivia Jade, who I mentioned in this post specializes in issues like this: http://oliviajade.net/
      Orgasm control is not just about premature ejaculation, it’s much broader & certainly would include this kind of situation. I imagine a good practitioner would have you do some exercises to become more connected to your sexual self, more self aware, she would likely work with you hands-on, doing breathing exercises, visualization, energy movement…along with intimacy coaching, connecting to another person…you get the idea. I’ve picked up a bit here & there from our conversations but to actually put it into action & get results you would want someone with the right expertise, like Olivia Jade.

      • Thank you that’s very helpful I shall explore and report back. Best wishes Jo xxx

  3. The video series sounds interesting.

    I’m a 26 year old virgin and I might be the most unfuckable person in North America. Hairy and fat, which causes insecurity over hygiene (especially in the summer). Worse, I’ve never felt any emotional connection or “spark” to any person, other than lust. It is difficult for me to come to terms with a person being a person like me, which makes finding a partner feel impossible. How can I do that if I don’t even know what to look for, or how to recognize it if I find it? And if I did find a partner I can’t imagine it would be a very enjoyable experience for them, considering my own troubles and the expectations of women in my age group (who by this point are bound to have around a decade of experience). So the whole thing is very daunting and it’s very hard to put a foot forward.

    I feel like your insight could help me make sense of a lot of things. Or at the very least make for interesting viewing that can help me understand the other side even if I can’t experience it.

    • Hi Jack, you are not the most unfuckable person in North America. I didn’t pick up anything that indicated you’re interested in losing weight so I won’t get into that. If you’re fine with how you are being fat & hairy doesn’t stop thousands of people from getting laid & finding love all the time. Look around. There’s even a fetish for fat, hairy guys (just search the category “fat” on clips4sale to see popular vids often in the top 10 best selling vids on c4s featuring fat men & women: http://clips4sale.com/list/en/category/366/FAT). Hygiene might be an issue, but one easily remedied with soap, water, deodorant, baby powder/cornstarch, etc. I’m sure there are forums/online groups for fat people to trade tips for dealing with sweat in hot weather…speaking of forums & groups…they can be a great community resource for finding others who are interested in dating or fucking people just like you.
      I also recommend looking up instructional vids on pleasuring a woman with your hands & mouth. Men are always so fixated on their dicks…there’s other (arguably better) ways to please a woman.
      So my advice is to start googling…google things like “fat lovers online groups” or “fat support groups”, go from there. A word of caution, beware of online scams. The moment you’re asked for money think critically. If it’s a small fee to join a group it might be okay (google the group name & do some research before paying)…if it’s a random woman online you’ve been chatting with who wants money just go into it with your eyes open. It you’re paying by the minute & you understand the professional arrangement, fine….if she’s a stranger asking for hundreds or thousands of dollars for something, probably a scam.
      One last thing in this long-winded response…connecting with others must first start with connection to self, feeling your own feelings fully. You might benefit from some good therapy/counseling and/or meditation/yoga. Yes, yoga even if you’re fat. There’s lots of different types of yoga, yin yoga is very gentle & involves mindful breathing & slow stretching. Whatever happens with anyone else you are with yourself to the end. Learning to accept & love yourself, being kind to yourself is at the cornerstone of a life well lived.
      If you have more questions or dialogue about any of this please feel free to ask here so that others can read it. You are not alone & your bravery in asking the questions is helping others.

  4. What struck me most about this post, was the outine of the conversation
    in paragraph four. A whole host of interesting and worthy topics appear
    to have been discussed during the session. Then I got to the line ‘how to
    teach a guy to clean his foreskin properly’ and let loose a rather world
    weary laugh/sigh.
    Since males personal hygiene is mentioned twice within this post, I guess
    this is a genuine and ongoing issue. Unfortunately, I’m not at all suprised.
    On the whole, my opinion of other males isn’t particularly high.

    Of course, whatever videos you decide to make will undoubtedly be informative,
    interesting and very well done. Because you’re naturally gifted at this sort of thing.
    However, what gave me a chuckle, was the idea of you producing a range of high quality, maturely presented, informative guides for women and girls. Yet, for
    your male audience, having to go all the way back to almost Kindergarten level.
    Beginning with such basic life skills, as washing and soap etc. Lol …

    What did pop into my head at this point, was a vision of you holding up a bar of
    soap to the camera, and in a slighly mothering/sarcastic/humourous tone,
    explaining to your audience what on earth this mysterious object was. Followed
    by you actually washing a male, to your satisfaction, onscreen. Before giving him
    a hand job as a reward for being so lovely and squeeky clean. I suspect this
    would get more views than just a narrative video. I know I’d definitely watch it,
    and I’m already very very clean. Lol …


    • Dear Mr. Clean, your idea for a vid is actually great. It sounds like you would be surprised at how many men really do not know how to clean themselves properly. During my time as a Professional Dominatrix I witnessed many unclean foreskins & a surprising number of foreskins that had never even been pulled back. In addition to butt cracks, armpits & other areas not properly washed. I’m sure there are plenty of women who do not know how to properly clean themselves but my personal experience is with men…& the conversations I’ve had with other Pro Dommes & escorts echo’s this. Good hygiene is important for health reasons AND for intimacy reasons.

      • Dear Mistress T, It’s really an awesome idea and I support Mr. Clean in this proposal. Speaking about cleaning I would like to stress on hair removal especially the proper way for particular area. I saw a lot of men who really does not know how to shave safely and the result is either a lot of undesired hairs or even worst some wounds. Thank you very much for your time and wish you a lot of happiness. I am also your Twitter fan 😉

  5. Always enjoy all of Your work & consume it regularly. i believe someone like Yourself can be very influential with young Women & their opinions about sexuality & their bodies the knowledge & experience You have could be invaluable. The fun enthusiasm humor & intellect You bring to the field is very refreshing & it become contagious. From a sub males perspective any info that You can pass on to make me the best i can be is most welcome. Thanks Continued Success bob

  6. Dear Mistress T, that sounds like a great idea with your video series. It’s something I’ve searched for but couldn’t find. I was wondering if you could cover self-esteem, please? Like, how to grow your esteem and confidence. I hope it’s not unrelated. Thank you for your time.

  7. Dear Mistress T, I’m a 51 year old American male. I’m circumsised, and was wondering if this is appealing to women? I am somewhat embarrassed by it. Now that I’m older I have thought quite a bit about it, and really believe it’s a form of mutilation.(that might be a bit strong, but hope you know what I mean). It seems that many, if not most, outside of the U.S. are not circumsised. Are women turned on or off by this? Are there really any cleanliness concerns for those with and without foreskin? I suffer from OCD and keeping my area clean is especially important to me.
    Thanks so much for your time and caring! – Lee

    • As a 51 year old American man I would think by now you’d know that women tend to prefer a circumcised penis because it is what they are more accustomed to (a quick google search indicates at least 70% of males in the US are circumcised, mixed races…likely closer to 90% of white males of your age group), it’s what you typically see in porn movies & there is actually stigma around foreskins being unclean.
      It is a small percentage of US women who would say they are more turned on by uncircumcised penises…but this is largely because they have little experience with them & their personal experiences may have been negative. The problem is not the foreskins are unclean, the problem is that men are not always taught to clean them properly. If a vagina is not properly cleaned it too will have a stronger smell & a creamy film will settle in the folds…the same as a foreskin. That’s been nicknamed ‘dick cheese’ & I can tell you from years of being a Professional Dominatrix that a lot of men do not know how to properly pull their foreskin back & clean it. So, with less men getting circumcised these days I think education on proper cleaning is important, to prevent infections in extreme cases but in more regular cases to ensure a man or woman will want to get intimate with an uncircumcised dick.
      I have had boyfriends with foreskins & they were perfectly fine as they were meticulous about cleaning. If you go back to my earliest films you’ll see there is one guy in all of my sex vids for the first year or two. That was my partner at the time & he had a foreskin. He had a beautiful cock & was very mindful of cleaning well:-)

  8. Dear Mistress T,
    At fist of all thank You to be ” a bleeding heart hippie ” this is what I admire most on You (even if Your feet are divine 🙂 ), but to the topic. Didn´t come to Your mind to write some book about that? Kind of educational manual ? I guess it would be a bestseller.
    Greetings from Czech Rep.

  9. Dear Mistress T,

    Wow, what a fantastic blog post! I absolutely LOVE the idea of doing educational videos for both men and women. Maybe even crossing over to those that don’t identify as either male or female.
    One big topic that was in my head while reading your blog was… 50 Shades. I don’t know what your opinion on doing videos dispelling the inaccuracies of the movie and books but it may be a good way to get vanilla viewers watching. Like I’ve heard a hundred times now, 50 Shades at least got BDSM and kink to be more acceptable to talk about. That’s really good!
    As a young man I am very conscious of how I can better my intimate moments with my significant other. I know I’ve had to get over my ego of being “the man” and be open to taking direction from my sig other on how to make her feel good.
    I will be looking forward to seeing if you go through with these educational videos.

    Thank you for all your work,

  10. Thank you for listening to me Mistress T,

    I just want to say as a lowly man how wonderful it is to see that women are taking over. I am straight but have know for some time that women are the superior sex. I think this world was meant to be ruled by wome. Not as a fantasy or few hour deal. So glad to see us being destroyed and retrained for female rule. I do not believe in equality or even in men’s rights. Women should and openly rule over men completely. I know there is still a little work to do but this world is crumbling down to this only female rule. I am complelty happy with this. To know my place is to worship and serve woman. Woman are goddess that should be worshipped. I promote femdom every chance I get. What a beautiful day it will be when women change the world forever by enslaving us weaker boys and completely controlling us. Us boys are a plague and we are nothing more than immature grown kids. We have destroyed the world. So really for the world to go on women should and must rule and control everything. Which women are better at doing than us boys. Thank you for the work you ladies are doing. Times is coming for total female rule. Which is best for everybody. I think most boys are starting to realize that we are weaker and are inferior to women. I have happy with this because women are the greater sex.
    Long live you women.
    Signed a happy slave boy to all female rule.

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