I just read this great article “What It’s Like To Be A Mom & A Sex Worker”:
I wanted to share it as a nod to the women I know in the industry who are mom’s & I really wanted men to read it as yet another way to humanize sex workers.
I write often in my blog about the objectification of women & how important it is to educate & remind people that sex workers are multi-dimensional beings with lives outside of sex work, with hopes & fears, dreams & disappointments, quirks, families, friends, hobbies, feelings, etc. Yup, even that ‘cum-dumpster’ you just jerked off to who took a load of cum on her face while getting fucked in the ass…has a whole life outside of your fantasy. Maybe she volunteers at a soup kitchen or animal shelter, maybe she has kids or an aging parent she takes care of, maybe she teaches yoga, maybe she plays the same video games you do, maybe she bakes the best cookies or fixes up old cars. Sure, maybe she’s dealing with childhood trauma & struggles with addiction or has suicidal thoughts….but ya know what? So do a lot of lawyers, accountants, teachers, mechanics, real estate agents… My point is that sex workers are just people, a slice of the population, like you & the folks around you.
The last paragraph of the article gave me hope & maybe my blog post will contribute to the future this woman sees coming:
“I support anyone’s choice to choose the life that suits them best. It’s hard yet rewarding work to provide nurturing love and companionship to people, whether it’s to my growing daughter or to my grateful clients, and I’m happy to do so. Thankfully, the stigma that sucks joy from my work is slowly dissipating, as people become more progressive and enlightened about their world. And if, in the future, my daughter wants to become a stripper, porn performer, cam-girl, dominatrix, or whatever, I hope she performs just like her mama — with poise, confidence, and a smile.”
Stigma. That word. I’m really sick of it to be honest. Thankfully I mostly don’t care what people think about me in that regard, but on the list of downsides of this occupation “stigma” is the top of the list. The more the world hears & sees sex workers when they’re not doing sex work the more informed people become & the more we can reduce stigma. It’s not easy tho & most don’t want to expose themselves. Most of the women I know in the industry who have kids are careful to hide the fact they have kids from their clients & they are even more careful to keep those who know they have kids from finding out about their profession. The 2 things don’t mix well…but I’ll pull the curtain back & tell you that there’s a hell of a lot of women in the industry who have kids & there’s a hell of a lot of mom’s that are doing sex work. Sex workers who are parents could be excellent secret agents, living double lives, telling lies & keeping secrets. I hope some day it all doesn’t have to be like that.
SIDE NOTE: Unrelated to this article I highly recommend the Netflix series (or book it was based on) “13 Reasons Why”: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/13_Reasons_Why
It explores some really tough topics that young adults struggle with: bullying, suicide, consent/rape, objectification & how to support young people who are struggling with some of these issues. So although this is particularly pertinent for young adults or the parents of young adults I think anyone would get a lot out of this. Especially the parts about objectifying women in small ways that add up to a bigger problem. It’s easy to think that one comment or incident is no big deal but seeing over the series how little things accumulated…I won’t ruin it for you, but I hope this series becomes required watching & is discussed in classrooms. People need to understand the consequences of their actions, men in particular in this regard (sexual objectification of women) & women need to learn how to better advocate for themselves.
Be kind to yourselves & to each other.
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Fabulous post as yours always are. I dated a phone sex girl for a while who was just a lovely human being, we split up, but for reasons unrelated to her work. There is a really sad bit in Espedair Street about a judge sending down a prostitute who he visited. It’s only a book, but I’ll bet it’s happened and continues to do so.
What anyone chooses to do with their body and how they choose to earn a living is just that, their choice, as someone who has been gender fluid all my life I know quite a bit about stigma and having to cover my tracks the world is changing and your posts and writings are helping that change. Thank you long may you continue
You are one hell of a woman! Did you ever read “The Happy Hooker?” That
changed the way my wife & I looked at life. The book opened many doors
for us. Not to take up much of your time, I’ll just say that it helped our marriage
in so many ways.
Yes yes! So true. I belong to a site, somewhat personal in nature. I always treat these women with respect and honesty. A lot of men treat them as nonhuman. I am honored to be able to see them so intimately and work out my sexuality with them. Sadly, this is true in “regular society”. I highly recommend Ashley Judd’s writing on online harassment.
Thank you for posting!
Great post and great article. Thanks for sharing it! Xxx
I have come across an interesting paper written in 2001 by Edslund and Korn, two well-respected economists, who published “A Theory of Prostitution” in the Journal of Political Economy. The paper considered wives and prostitutes as economic “goods” that can be substituted for each other. Men buy, women sell.
They used market analysis to tackle the questions: Why do prostitutes make so much money? Prostitution is, seemingly, a low-skill but high-pay profession with few upfront costs, micro-miniskirts and stiletto heels aside.
Developing the consequences of their mathematical model, Edlund and Korn argue that the primary reason for the income differential is not the risk sometimes associated with the practice of prostitution but rather that prostitutes greatly diminish their chances for marriage by virtue of their occupation. Men generally don’t want to marry (ex)prostitutes, and so women must be relatively well-compensated in order to forgo the opportunity to marry.
Prostitutes make more money–in some cases, a lot more money–than do girls who work for a living. This held true even for places where prostitution is legal and relatively safe. In short, prostitutes aren’t necessarily being paid more for their increased risk of going to jail or the hospital.
Edlund and Korn admit that spouses and prostitutes aren’t exactly alike. Wives, in truth, are superior to prostitutes in the economist’s sense of being a good whose consumption increases as income rises–like fine wine. This may explain why prostitution is less common in wealthier countries. But the implication remains that wives and prostitutes are–if not exactly like Coke and Pepsi–something akin to champagne and beer. The same sort of thing.
The model also predicts that how much a woman damages her chances to marry by becoming a prostitute depends on how likely it is that she’ll be exposed as one.
The likelihood shrinks if the woman leaves home and migrates to a different part of the country or to a different country altogether. This would also explain why foreign prostitutes are likely to be cheaper than domestic ones.
One last prediction the model makes is that the income differential paid to prostitutes will rise with the status the culture accords wives.
That is, if wives are valued highly, would-be prostitutes are giving up a lot by becoming prostitutes and will require more money to do so. And if wives have few privileges, would-be prostitutes aren’t giving up much to become prostitutes and thus need less inducement to do so.
Of course the economical model is biased by the raw assumptions made by the 2 economists. In particular, the assumption that there is no “third way” between wife and prostitution is problematic, if not outright offensive.
Like any statistical model, this one ignores the diversity of real people and the complexities of love and pleasure, changing social mores, et cetera. Still, once all its equations have been solved, a simple fact remains: Most women enter prostitution for the money.
Fascinating…& in the end, yes, money is the primary motivator for most women in the sex work…but it’s sex WORK & money is the main reason most people work! Even if they like their job, prefer structure & purpose, most people who won the lottery would quit their job.
Hi Martin, thank you for interjecting scientific analysis into the conversation, even if it is a bit much to digest. I think way back in the day, Gloria Steinem equated matrimony with prostitution.
I am not sure where all of that kind of discussion fits with Mistress T’s post, which just seems to be reminding us to consider the person behind the profession. But I really do thank you for adding gist to the discussion!
People need to understand the consequences of their actions, “men in particular in this regard (sexual objectification of women)” & women need to learn how to better advocate for themselves.
Thanks, but there is a ever growing and increasing population of “cis hetero privileged men” that have no interest any longer of being told how to think by special interests.
i read it twice
Thank you for re-instoring my gut instinct that you are a remarkable woman. We don’t know each other and, most likely, never will. Nonetheless, it doesn’t mean that I don’t fully respect and appreciate everything you do and everything you are. I can’t agree enough with you regarding “sex workers.” I’ve been around a long time and, quite honestly, some of my best and truest friends have worked in this field. And I love them dearly. I always try to bring a smile and chat about anything and everything to the relationship that importantly includes the understanding and respect I have for their outside the business lives. And always remember to use discretion and common sense when involved in any discussion. I guess, I simply think of all of us as being in this ride together. You are, easily, one of my biggest smiles for more reasons than I can state in this comment. Thank you for being you…..
Hi Mistress T, thanks for bringing up a topic near and dear to me. I think, after decades of thought, that I am mostly a fetishist, and man who likes making women happy. My first priority is of course my wife. I told her of all my various kinks and fetishes (including Femdom and even gasp, Maledom) long before we got married.
She wants nothing to do with any of it. I am OK with that, as she is well worth denying a big chunk of who I am. We have an agreement that in some areas I can seek what I want online or even in person so long as she comes first. I have never availed myself of the women she put on my OK to dally with list. I have had online relations with many women, mostly Dominatrices, and I am grateful to her for that.
What has always been a challenge, is the balance between knowing about another person, and their right and need for privacy. We sometimes see a clip or an interview and think, “wow, what an amazing woman” but what we don’t know is how much that reflects her real life at the moment, and how much is acting for the camera and her fans.
I am the kind of person who always wants that personal relationship, and the emotional connection that goes with it. But I have found, that for perfectly understandable reasons, most Ladies in the sex or fetish trade cant or do not want to let outsiders get close enough to share those intimate details.
Such is realistic, understandable, and I get it. The desire to know a person you are attracted to has to be balanced by an understanding that they need firewall of privacy as much as they need respect for the parts of their personal life they do need to share. Also there is or may be a need to reserve some of the vital emotional and psychological energies of life for those closest to us.
In the end I am just glad you are willing to share insights of who you are with us.
Thanks, And by the way, the most erotic clip I saw on your site when you gave us free views, was Sidonia Von Bork discussing your stay at the English Manor. She was dressed in street clothes, albeit all black with leather boots, and just discussing clotted cream at tea and other mundane topics. Just watching her talk was painfully erecting experience. Viva the real life, so long as you all are OK with sharing it. Thank you for this blog! Bless you ladies for your beauty and your grace!