I had an interesting conversation with someone this week who has a theory that many of those who are into certain fetish or BDSM activities are subconsciously trying to heal old wounds.
I have specific examples of clients who developed their fetishes based on things that happened when they were young. Not always a negative event, but sometimes. I often ask kinksters who cross my path how they got into what they’re into. I’ve heard many fascinating stories. For example: There is certainly a common theme of guys into humiliation having endured a lot of bullying, rejection or humiliation when they were younger.
Many people say that a person’s sexuality is “hard wired” implying they’re born that way…which I believe is true about sexual orientation, but not so much about fetishes. I don’t think you’re born with a foot fetish, for example. Something usually triggers it. Maybe a hot babysitter making you sniff her dirty feet as punishment at just the right age.
Sometimes one thing leads to another…an interest in being verbally humiliated by women leads to humiliating activities like licking mud off of boots, eating cum, or even more painful activities like getting kicked in the balls. Sometimes the fetishist keeps seeking a greater high or thrill in being humiliated or bullied by women. Sometimes they get ideas from surfing porn on the internet. In an aroused state they stumble across something new & ka-pow, now THAT does it for them too. So one should really go way back to the beginning & try to find the root of the fetish. How it all began. I encourage you all to do that if you haven’t done so already.
I’ve also been watching a show called The Shield and there’s a scene where a straight male cop is made to suck cock at gun point. He’s really messed up by the event and eventually finds himself aroused by rape, then plays out rape fantasies with an escort. It seems for him this is a kind of therapy, a way of processing what happened to him. The timing was interesting for me as it came in the same week as this conversation about healing old wounds through kink play.
I’m a big advocate of acceptance & whatever happens with or between consenting adults is fine. It doesn’t really matter how you got into what you’re into as long as no one is getting hurt (against their will). Being self aware is good and knowing that you’re not alone. I’m pretty sure people who are ONLY into vanilla sex are the minority & the majority of people have at least somewhat deviant fantasies. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, but it can be interesting to figure out how you became the way you are. I encourage you to make a comment here & share your story with your community.
Members site: http://www.MistressT.net
Hello Mistress. .
This makes sense to me.. my first girl friend measured my penis. . Then told me I was 2 inches smaller than her ex!
Although disappointed, I was very turned on!
I’ve often wondered where my fetishes come from, usually after I climax and have a brief “what the fuck is wrong with me?” moment. My mother abandoned me as a baby and I was raised by my father and I think the lack of a female authority figure left a void I try to fill. I’ve always had a fascination with “bad girls” in TV and film dating all the way back to Evil Lyn and Baroness from 80s cartoons growing up. The dark makeup, sadism, and leather of women like Xenia Onatopp were definitely influential.
Two specific events come to mind from my teenage years that helped form my kinks. The first was spilling glue on a girls shoe in art class and her telling me to lick it off (I didn’t). The second was going down on a male cousin twice around the age of fifteen. I’m not gay but I was aroused and ashamed by it. This has made me a big fan of “forced bi” which seems to me as a convenient fetish to cop-out of admitting the idea of sucking cock turns you on.
The last thing I’d add is that I had access to porn very young and it definitely led to looking at more and more unusual things at perhaps the wrong (right?) time. The biggest question I have is would a person with less predisposition towards femdom than me be lured into it by excellent sites like this one?
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for your comment.
Regarding your question at the end…I would say yes. I receive a lot of emails from guys who considered themselves vanilla before stumbling upon me. I have a look that vanilla guys find non-intimidating & not traditionally how one might think of a Dominatrix. Many write that they just liked my look, then my voice & vibe…not so much the ‘weird’ stuff….but then it became more about me than anything else & they found themselves cumming to stuff they never would have been into before. Interesting.
I can trace back some of my fetishes to my first gf. She was my first and some of the small things she did in bed developed to my sexual interests. I will share two short examples. She used to whisper “be a good boy and cum for mommy” and that was a huge turn on. Needles to say that mistress T touches that nerve very well.
Second – after our 2nd date, we made out in the back seat of her car when she suddenly pushed my face down between her legs. I resisted (surprised and not sure what to do) but she was forceful and told me I will like it. She guided me through it and I love it ever since. Especially when I’m being forced to eat pussy.
So, yes I agree that some of our fetishes are coming from early experiences.
My mother had a very strong dominate personality and as an only child I received the full focus of her attention. While I was able to become a leader in my professional career there was always something very comforting in being submissive to my female partner. Pleasing my female partner became my focus and pleasure. Never really gained a desire for vanilla sex. When I was 11 or 12 and had the house to myself for the weekend decided to see how her undergarments felt and a love of cross-dressing developed. It took until I was 54 but am finally in a 24/7 relationship with a wonderful Mistress here in Nova Scotia who just loves seeing me every day (and night) in my silky wardrobe as I bring her pleasure.
I really can’t think of any one moment that really triggered my fetish. I’ll admit I used to be the person who did the bullying and humiliating people but I’ve always just got off on girls laughing at me and having the feeling of me being inferior to them.
What got you interested in fetishism mistress?
My answer is long & complicated but if you’ve read my blog from the beginning most of the story is there. Answering that question (which I often get) is the very reason I started this blog:-)
Really interesting blog. Here’s my experience:
I have to say that my story seems to go against the grain.. or maybe there’s just something I can’t see. I grew up with a fantastic family and we were the typical middle-class British family. I’ve never experienced any kind of abuse, bullying or anything of that nature. (not that I can remember, you tend to read a lot about people that experience abuse but totally forget about it as a coping mechanism).
I was a pretty straight-forward teenager, going through puberty, learning about my body. Like most 13-14 year olds I began to discover porn. I liked all the “normal” stuff. But as I grew older I grew tired of just masturbating. I wanted to learn new techniques. So I started to look up those, I learnt about techniques such as “the stranger” (you know where you sit on your hand etc.) and pillow humping. It was through looking for new techniques I found JOI videos and the kind of content that you produce. (amazing by the way).
So is this my story? Or is there more to it? I’m not really sure. If it is its quite a boring story isn’t it?
When I was reading your blog I remembered something that I thought I had long forgotten. I remember being in my bed when I was around 5 or 6 years old. YEARS before I even thought about girls. Let alone fetish videos. I remember thinking about what it would be like if 3 of the girls from school dug a hole in the playground and covered it with leaves, and got me to walk over it thus falling into the pit. I remember thinking about them standing at the top of the pit looking down and calling me names. I remember being turned on by this, before I even knew what that meant.
So in conclusion, it is certainly an interesting idea, however I personally feel that it does not apply to me. But for all I know I could be totally incorrect.
since my interest in that stuff is solemnly focused in Mistress T and am “straight” (vanilla?), i can only say that you were the only person (at least ’til now) that i’d like to be treated in that fashion.
The question that came to my mind was, if this should not be the case in a true love-relationship, since this is a matter of trust …
If so, perhaps a deep cut into this trust and self esteem might trigger a drive to overcome this (hidden) memory.
However, if it does not hurt anybody and not the fetish lover him(her?)self, what the f..k. – Nobody is perfect – may he be as straight as he likes.
I’m not sure I understand your question fully? Would you re-phrase it?
It’s not really a question. More a thesis. Perhabs the habits are there in a kind of “rite” to correct what ever is there that shall not come to the mind (as i write it, i see that’s the idea of carl jung – so not very fresh indeed).
However, if i happen to come to vanvouver (probably next april), i was very pleased if you could spare an hour or two with me, which you may plan to your entertainment …
Hope, there is no question left.
For me, growing up in a household full a woman, the one memory that sticks with me is when my sister and one of her friends had tied me to a chair. I struggled and struggled to get out but was left helpless. Next thing I know they were bringing out makeup and decided that I needed a makeover. They did a number on me. They were actually able to put a sleeveless dress on me, which restrained me even more. The final piece was a blonde wig which just completed the look.
Now I dream that that would happen to me more often.
I totally agree. I do wonder if dominance or submissiveness are inborn though, just in terms of personality types. But fetishes I do not believe you are born with. I have my own kinks and fantasies and I can relate each one to life patterns and life experiences. I think about this alot. Introspection is very important in my opinion especially with things like kink.
My fetish started early. i learned early on that i was submissive, that i like bondage and that i liked wearing panties. At first it was for attention i guess, but i kept doing it even after i was told little boys shouldn’t. By Middle school i discovered thru tv, books etc . That i was submissive, what bdsm was and that i was a sissy.
Things have just went from there. Sometimes I’m very open about things and sometimes I’m utterly ashamed of it.
Thank you for sharing. Is the shame a turn on at all?
VERY interesting topic!
It is always an interesting exercise to try to figure out how one’s own brain works. I absolutely agree that early childhood experiences can leave an “imprint” on the mind that will serve as a model later in life. I think every man (and woman?) has a “go-to” fantasy that will get them revved up based on prior early experience. The idea has even led me to question whether homosexuality is truly genetic or just the result of early sexual experience. Seeds that were planted early in the brain can grow into more permanent structures that dictate behavior. Regardless, it is not something that can be controlled, so I am not sure it makes much difference.
The most interesting idea I have heard on a similar topic is related to memories associated with trauma. I once watched a news magazine story on traumatic memories. (There is an active effort to develop pharmacological solutions to removing traumatic memories that may haunt, or even debilitate a person because of events like rape or a mugging or a terrible car accident. The story posed an interesting question- do you erase part of yourself if you no longer have a memory of a very important event in your life, even if that event is traumatic? The doctor being interviewed described the hypothesis that these horrible memories may become so vivid because of the flood of adrenaline occurring at the same time as the memory. It may be the body’s mechanism for avoiding future similar danger to make the memory so vivid. This rang a bell with me. I think the same thing happens when we have our earliest sexual experiences, just in reverse. We have good and exciting memories associated with our earliest sexual experiences that trigger a flood of adrenaline and other endorphins and this “hard wires” the brain to chase similar experiences for the same rush. With time, we may seek variations to our original “themes” to help re-amp the rush.
For me, my very earliest sexual experiences were centered completely around my older sister (16 months older) and later my teenage babysitters. I was very close to my sister and sometimes would fall asleep in her bed at a very young age. I recall her allowing me to “kiss” her between her legs while under the covers. Of course, neither of us was old enough to understand why the act gave us both such thrills and we instinctively knew what we were doing was forbidden and should always remain secret. Later on, but well before puberty, she would do strip tease shows for me and my twin brother. She clearly enjoyed the male attention and we clearly enjoyed the shows! Later in our early adolescence, we moved on from our “games” and acted as if they never happened. We certainly never spoke of them.
However, in her early post pubescence, she was very casual about changing in front of me or entering the bathroom and getting naked to take a shower while I brushed my teeth. I was in a constant state of lust over her. She had developed a beautiful body and I used to love to watch her get ready to go out by putting make-up on and changing outfits. If I was really lucky, I would be allowed to sleep in her bed with her. This gave me the opportunity to touch her while she slept. (I would literally be shaking with excitement and lust!) I never knew exactly how much she was aware of my inappropriate attention and how much she actually encouraged it. In retrospect, I am sure she enjoyed the attention and the validation at a time of normal teenage insecurity. But at the time, I thought I was a freak and could not understand how I had developed such lust for my own sister. I thought I must be the only person in the world with this problem.
My babysitters were far less brazen than my sister, but in retrospect, I am sure there was a conscious sexual element in the way they treated me. I was a favorite because I was bright and well behaved. They would get me to give them back rubs. I would sit on their butts while they laid on their tummies and pulled up their shirts and undid their bras so I could give them lengthy back massages. I would take my time rubbing their shoulders and back and move to the lower back and hips. They would talk on the phone to their friends about their boyfriends or whatever, and I would be intoxicated with their femininity and sexuality. I don’t think I could have been older than 7 or 8 but I was already enjoying the privileges of being a “good boy.” I was in heaven with the views I was afforded. Side boobs and panty peaks up loose fitting shorts. Heaven! Even to this day, I prize a quick panty peak from a cute, sexy teenager at a Starbucks.
I am convinced that these early memories have lead to my particular sexual preferences. They are naturally submissive in character and even cross over into a sort of light cuckolding/hotwife element. I love nothing more than giving my wife (who has a beautiful body) a nice long massage. Even better is if she sort of “ignores” me by texting on her phone or even better talking on the phone to a friend. I get a thrill out of being able to view her in a state of revealing dress. It may be a short robe that affords plenty of panty peaks or a braless tee-shirt pulled up to allow me to spread lotion on her beautiful back with lots of side boob views. This submissiveness has led me to my recent discovery of the phenomenon of cuckolding or “hotwifing.” I have a persistent fantasy in which she is preparing for a date with another man. She takes a leisurely hot bath while I am in the bathroom to assist her in whatever she needs. I help wash her hair and scrub her back. I help her dry off and apply lotion. She tries on several sexy and revealing outfits and asks me for my opinion. The prolonged tease is exquisite. I have no desire to introduce another man’s actual penis in the dynamic. The thought is a complete turnoff, but I really enjoy the head space I can get into when she seems to be focusing her sexual energy on someone else right in my presence. Despite being naturally submissive, she can play along for my benefit, however, I am sure a more naturally dominant personality would be able to push my buttons more expertly. Of course, I am convinced that all these sexual proclivities of mine stem from my earliest (very early!) experiences.
Thanks for letting me share!
So…I believe that I’ve ALWAYS had a foot fetish. However, my earliest memory is powerful and has always stuck with me. I was around 5 or 6 years old and I LOVED Batman comic books. As I was paging through one day there was a page of drawings that changed my life. It was Catwoman, wearing tall, black, leather boots, and she was stepping on Batmans hands as he clung from the top of a tall building. It was SO mean of her, but her boots were SO sexy. She was relentless. At one point Batman was clinging to the edge of the building with one hand…she still pounded and stomped on his hand so he would fall to his death. Oh my goodness, it gets me hard just typing about it. I had a RAGING hard on and from then on I’ve lived, loved and adored womens feet, toes, painted toenails, shoes, sandals, high heels, boots, toe rings & anklets.
Also, I had a babysitter who would let me smell her socked feet. I don’t know how or why she let me, or even how I had the balls to ask for something so strange at such a young age. Nevertheless, I remember regularly having her sit on the kitchen sink and turn her face towards the cupboards so she wouldn’t be able to see me (I must’ve been shameful) and away I’d sniff. Around this same time my Mom’s friends would come over barefoot (two in particular) with painted toes and my entire world would stop. Nothing else mattered.
I’ll tell you, though, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m 45 years old and it’s been a terribly exciting fetish. I also think that nowadays women are more accepting than ever about kink and fetishes (or maybe it’s just that I’ve gotten older and more comfortable taking about my love of feet & shoes). AND…thank GOD for the internet. All of us pervs are able to safely explore our fetishes in the privacy of our own homes.
My foot fetish has taken me down several different and exciting roads as my sexual preferences grew and matured. I’ve enjoyed domination, face smacking, spitting, pissing and even an occasional Tranny cock (so long as she’s hot and not manly looking).
I enjoyed reading all the entrys and thank you Mistress T for the opportunity to express myself in your presence. You are quite divine ma’am and I LOVE your pretty feet & toes, along with your strict personality.
Dear Mistress T,
I have a half remembered memory from the age of 4 or 5 of being masturbated by a swimming instructor whilst doing taking lessons at a private pool.
I can picture the scene quite clearly: me in tight speedos, trying my hardest to gain my 10 meter badge, he walking along in the pool beside me as I did backstroke, one hand beneath me supporting my body, the other between my legs rubbing my small flaccid cock like a clitoris. I recall tensing my legs tightly as I kicked out each stroke, I remember feeling frustrated at the difficulty of swimming such a length, and I recall the frustration and the masturbation merging together in my mind.
To this day I cannot decide whether this was real, whether I was sexually abused during swimming lessons, or whether this was a created memory. Certainly, I remember the swimming lessons stopping. Around the same time I remember discovering how to rub my small, flaccid boys penis in such a way I achieved dry orgasms (always with my legs held tensed, ever so tightly…) I recall becoming fascinated with my penis – inserting small objects into the urethra and under the foreskin, the arms of Starwars miniatures, in fact. I recall deliberately causing myself pain and frustration whilst performing these ‘willyrubs’ to achieve orgasm (hard at that age).
Perhaps there, in that pool, we have the root of my fetishes. Or perhaps this is all a false memory. Who knows.
I suspect it is too much of a taboo subject for Mistresses videos, but I imagine a not insignificant number of your subscribers will have experienced some level of sexual contact as a child. If you could create a video guiding the watcher through exploring those experiences, as a mother telling her child it’s fine and there is no shame, or as a psychiatrist telling her patient to think about the memory and masturbate, to take ownership of it, perhaps this would be somewhat cathartic.
If for one know I would find it a great turn on to hear your voice talk to me of such things.
I’ll give your request some thought…feel free to email me to discuss a custom video. Thank you for sharing. You certainly have nothing to be ashamed of, whether this event did happen (to you) or if you created the memory (about yourself) in your mind. Xo
Dear Mistress T,
Thank you for your reply. This is something I have never discussed with anyone so knowing that you were the first to hear my story feels quite significant. Perhaps this should have come as no surprise – I find your videos offer a release I rarely achieve elsewhere. I think I may genuinely have been hypnotised by repeated viewing of your content. Your ‘velvety vocals’ trigger a strong ASMR response for me, as I suspect they do for many of your viewers, and there is increasing evidence to suggest this can stimulate significant neurological responses. Habit forming responses. A quick search shows you’re quite popular in the ASMR community something I’m sure you’re aware of.
In terms of a custom video, thank you for giving my request some thought. Could you remind me of your tribute scale? I am more than happy to send an email to discuss specifics in greater detail although this may have to wait a few weeks as I am currently preparing to move cities to take up a new position. Any template/guidelines you have and can point me towards would be useful so I avoid wasting your time.
Great blog post!
I can honestly put all of my kinks and love of submission down to a car trip when I was about 8. We went with a neighbours family to a theme park. On the way home, the daughter of the neighbours family took her shoes off. Her feet, after a long hot day walking around, had a very strong smell to them. Everyone in the car was complaining about them, everyone but me.
I loved it, I loved how they smelt so much. I told her to take her socks off too, to really stink everyone out, pretending I just found it funny, when really it was driving me wild.
Since then I can happily say I have had a major foot fetish, which as I am sure you can imagine, had led to discovering a world of domination, humiliation and submission, and it turns out that drives me just as wild as those stinky feed did all those years ago.
I still see the girl, all these years later, and she had no idea how much she helped shape my future sexual desires.
Love it! (I also find foot aroma interesting…intimate.)
My mother’s best friend had a girl two years older than me called Karen. She was exceptionally pretty and I adored her. So when my mum visited her I would go along too .
So when we played together we would always play with her toys mainly barbies and she-ra. And I loved it. It was then I started to realise the negative connotations of a boy enjoying feminine things. I was called pansy and sissy. Karen would quite happily tell everyone I played with dolls and let her paint my nails.
Then one day she talked me into wearing girls underwear and then we went to the park. There while I was standing on the swing with both hands on the chains she pulled my shorts down. There was four other girls there and a boy. They all howled with laughter at my pink knickers and pointed at my little penis. At this point they pulled the boys trousers down and he was large and erect. I cried and got a little erection.
Anytime I met Karen she would call me a pansy and tell everyone I was gay. But I loved the attention. And she was probably my first love.
I saw her once as an adult and I instantly got hard recalling the anxiety and fear. Without Karen I don’t think I would be such a sissy nor would I get turned on so much by getting my sexuality questioned or forced bi.
Thank you for introducing this topic. I wrote a similar post in my own blog explaining where I thought my kinks may have come from in hopes to inspire others to lend their own ideas. You certainly have the audience to achieve that.
I can’t exactly pin down one exact reason why I have such a lifelong fascination with the humiliation of myself and the male species, and I spent paragraphs trying to explain my life experiences. To boil it down here, I think it was a mixture. Having been raised by an unfit and somewhat abusive father and a spineless mother which combined to give me no direction in life could not have helped. Seeing porn at an alarmingly early age probably had a lot to do with it as well. And I think being raised with the notion that you need to be the manliest man possible or else you are nothing but a sissy will definitely grade on you in times when you fail.
However, I do not think the subsequent events such as the first time I witnessed a man at a woman’s feet or when a girlfriend cheated on me were the things that changed me. I think the turn on was already there. But whatever shaped me to become aroused at any feeling of helplessness definitely was the culprit.
mistress t i also began my fetish by worshipping my mothers friends feet when she came home i secretly look at her feet and smell her foot wear one day i stole her sandalas and am still licking them.does anyone told u about mature dommes turn them on?
Dear Mistress T,
Thank you for this blog post… great topic.
My fetish centers on mind-fucking humiliation. Ideally it takes place over time, in a committed and loving relationship. We know each other well but she certainly knows me better. She effortlessly weaves a complex web that captivates me emotionally, psychologically and at times, physically. She gets as much pleasure from manipulating me as I do from being caught up in her… we complement one another in this way. Even as I might try to assert myself at times, she anticipates my thoughts and counters with a deeper mind-fuck, and at times, creative acts of humiliation that bring me closer to her on many levels and into sub-space. She gets into my psyche to use my strengths and weaknesses against me. Outsiders would never guess we have this kind of relationship. They see us as a loving couple and perceive me as an alpha-male. I cautiously play this role outside the bedroom, knowing that if I overstep my bounds, I’ll pay for it dearly in private. So, how would all of this manifest itself?
Perhaps one example is that she calls my office and says “babe, I’d like you to be home by 6:00 pm today, otherwise it might be another week before you have a chance to cum. Oh, and on the way home, be a good boy and pick up a 1/2 gallon of milk”. The phone abruptly hangs up before I have a chance to say hello. As I put the phone down, I see it’s already already 5:00 and I still have an important task to complete at work and with traffic, it will take me at least 30 minutes to get home. Do I feel the pressure… you bet! Abstinence is only one punishment. The more humiliating aspect is being milked and forced to eat it out of her hand, off her feet or as a topping for a meal she made me… after it’s been milked from me through a prostate massage.
I can think of two possible ways that I’ve developed this type of fetish. First was a 70’s porno tape I snuck a peak at as a young teen ager. In one scene, a woman walked in on someone jerking off in her house… I think it was the gardener. She confronted him, standing face-to-face and had him continue. As he was about to cum, she put her hand out and had him cum in it. While maintaining eye contact, she took the cum and wiped it in his open mouth and made him eat it. I think the name of the movie was Taboo, but I’m not sure. Seeing this for the first time is probably where the seed was planted (pun intended) for a forced cum-eating fetish. What caused the fetish to grow was a phone sex call in my early 20s. An ordinary call, suddenly got kinky and I liked it.
Mistress T, my question for you is; how can a person hope to re-create this type of intensity in a session with a pro Domina? I imagine it would take several sessions for the Domina to even get close to figuring out what makes me tick and how to use it against me for a deeper mind-fuck.
I appreciate all you do. You’re an amazing woman.
Verbal humiliation and being forced to eat my own cum is my fetish. They way I believe I might have gotten into it is after watching a porn tape at an early age. A woman in one of the scenes, caught a guy jerking off in her house. She had him finish himself off in her hand and then wiped it in his mouth and on his face.
Sorry for the longer blog post earlier on the same subject. Sometimes write too much.
I’ve no idea what childhood events caused it – I had a very happy time. But I only just figured out (at age 51) that I’m essentially a submissive guy that responds to dominant women. I know this now because just I met one, and is she a piece of work! You could no more dominate her than sink an inflated lilo. Her self-confidence lights me up. She gives me what I really need – someone to be responsible to so I don’t go off the rails and be an alcoholic gambling bum. I’m an atheist so she becomes my higher power. Looking back to my two previous long term relationships, they failed in part because the women wanted me to dominate them and I’m far too much of a gentleman to do that. That’s why I’m here really – all this stuff is new to me and I need to figure it out in my head.