I recently received an email from a 21 year old fella who asked for my guidance in becoming a better man. He said he didn’t have positive male role models & believed the tutelage of a strong woman would benefit him.
The skeptical might view this as a trick to get me to role play a fantasy with him, not to actually obtain helpful info to improve his real life…& as it turns out, you’d be right. After tweeting asking my fans for suggestions to help younger men seeking to become better humans the ungrateful rascal told me off for not taking him on as a personal slave. (I’m not accepting new slaves at the moment but he didn’t take the perceived rejection gracefully.)
No matter! I think the advice my fans provided was fantastic & I’m sure there are younger men reading this who would benefit so I’ve listed some of the reading suggestions along with youtube stuff that might be helpful. I haven’t read everything on this list but at a glance they seem to have value & positive reviews.
I’ll also share a few bits of advice I personally think is helpful for younger people:
– You have 2 ears & 1 mouth. That means it’s better to listen at least twice as much as you speak. Practice the art of active listening. Not only will you learn more but you’ll make better connections with those who love to feel heard (that would be everyone).
– To thine own self be true. Be honest with yourself about how you really feel about stuff. You can manage or control your behavior but your feelings are a different story. Learn to accept the full spectrum of your feelings: sadness, fear, anger, frustration, joy, love, excitement, nervousness, anxiety, lust, impatience, numbness, relief, gratitude, vulnerability, etc. Feel the feeling in your body, witness it, ask yourself what message the feeling brings or is there another root to the feeling (like the root of anger might be hurt or sadness or a feeling of being excluded, etc.) Accept the feeling with warm curiosity and non-judgement. Let the feeling pass when it’s ready. Don’t wallow in it but don’t rush it through or stuff it down wishing you felt differently.
– Cultivate empathy by trying to understand things from the other persons perspective. Your feelings matter but the world doesn’t revolve around you. Find the balance of empathy for yourself AND others.
– Have integrity. If you say you’ll do something, do it. Keep your word. Be reliable. Take the high road.
– Be kind for the sake of being kind. Don’t always expect an immediate reward for doing something nice for someone. Learn to enjoy the feeling of just doing something good or doing the right thing.
– Be grateful for what you do have. There is always something to be grateful for no matter how bad things get. “I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no feet.” – Mahatma Gandhi
– If having good sex with women in real life is important to you choose the porn you view carefully. Seek out porn with regular people having real sex/women having real orgasms. Most porn is entertainment, not education. Sex in real life is not like most porn which tends to lack intimacy, genuine connection, high-level communication, authentic female orgasms & realistic pacing with warm up. Try searching “ethical porn” or “feminist porn”.
Google search example: https://www.bustle.com/p/8-places-to-watch-ethical-porn-that-focuses-on-female-pleasure-according-to-a-feminist-pornographer-9108930
There’s a lot more I could say but I understand attention spans are short. Do your own research to find what resonates with you! There’s loads of stuff on youtube & plenty of great podcasts, TedTalks, etc. The internet is full of helpful stuff to improve yourself. If having a good therapist is accessible to you either through work/an employee assistance program or if you can afford one, there’s hardly anyone that can’t benefit from therapy. Seek good friendships with men & women of different ages. Be there for them, build your own community to learn from each other. Learn to care about others feelings & how to share your feelings in a way that connects you with others authentically. Lastly, be kind to yourself. Be the best friend, parent, cheerleader, confidant to yourself you could ever want or need. Self care, yo.
The Tao of Pooh & The Te of Piglet by Benjamin Hoff
Audiobook for the Tao of Pooh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksVgOSJ_Kv0
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
Top 5 lessons from “Attract Women Through Honesty”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hs0d7Da8ufo
Way of the Peaceful Warrior and its sequel by Dan Millman
Dan Millman’s TedTalk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDL85fzdc1g
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills
Helpful vid on The Four Agreements on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HElfaDPwZ6c
Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
Audiobook for “Man’s Search for Meaning” on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zF65lvwQPbw
Ishmael- Daniel Quinn
Tao of the Wu by Rza
Some of Rza on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th-CEx-NEms
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by David Eggers
The Descent of Man by Grayson Perry
The Courage To Be Disliked- Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig
(Without even reading this great book the story of it may be inspirational in terms of tenacity: “Pirsig received a remarkable 126 rejections before an editor finally accepted it for publication–and he did so thinking it would never make a bit of profit. Then it was on best-selling lists for decades. Initially, the book sold at least 5 million copies worldwide.”
Audiobook of Zen & the Art of” on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClA9wO8GaqQ
PS: Got suggestions? Please put them in the comments! Thanks!
Do you ever do autographs of prints etc?
No, I don’t typically do that (I’ve never had prints to sign).
Oh okay 🙁
Dear Mistress T
You are wise beyond your years. A true life enhancer.
You’ve given so much already, yet I feel your story has barely begun.
This was a very valuable read. We can all be better humans, and young men especially need to work at practising responsible masculinity again. This means bring strong and kind and empathetic. It also means bearing the weight of that responsibility even when it hurts to do so. That requires building that character you speak about.
Do you consider your own work entertainment or ethical/feminist porn?
If it’s the former, then I suppose you’re brave for suggesting that young men see what you do as “fake”. Not everyone would admit to that for fear of hurting their business.
And if it’s the latter, then you’re perhaps drawing a distinction between what you do and “regular” porn, and not viewing your own work as porn at all?
You may hate me for saying this, but I view what you do as porn with a difference. It IS porn as far as entertainment goes, but since everything that’s happening on the screen is clearly decided by you, then it’s also not what I’d consider “realistic”. At least considering that domination is probably not the most common form of activity in your average person’s bedroom.
And with that in mind, I find it very easy to distinguish between your work and “reality” because I think most people’s sex lives are less extreme. And therefore, you’re catering to their fantasies by doing what they perhaps wish they could do themselves.
Boys will be boys, though. And I’m sure many of them watch your videos and want a piece of the action for themselves. Or they misinterpret the entertainment they see as an instruction for how they should conduct themselves in the bedroom. And I’m not sure that’s always a good idea.
You’re a professional, after all.
What I create is porn, it is entertainment, not education. The sexual intercourse you see in my vids should not be used as instruction. The pace is off, there’s not enough warm up, we are working the angles to create the most pleasing visual for the viewer, not the most pleasurable feeling for us, etc. The other style vids (solo or just HJ scenes) are fantasy fulfillment, fetish exploration, entertainment, etc. It is ethical porn? I’d say so. Certainly no one is being exploited. I am the sole owner of my business, make all business decisions, etc. Nearly every guy in my vids is a volunteer who asked for the opportunity to be in the scenes with me & many have come back over & over again to do more. Is it Feminist porn? I’d like to think so in the sense that I’m encouraging men to respect strong women. One could argue that I’m fetishisizing strong women as well. It would be an interesting argument that folks could make reasonable arguments for both sides. It’s certainly not black & white. As far as this post is concerned, I’d recommend young men mostly avoid my porn. Watching a few scenes to broaden their knowledge & understanding of various fetishes with the aim to accept what others are into, cool. Enjoying a bit of jack off material, no harm. But everything in moderation & certainly understanding the difference between reality & fantasy. Reading my book about my life provides the reader with the opportunity to humanize the fantasy character they see in my vids. To understand that every human they see in porn is a multi-faceted person & not just a sexual object. “There Is More To The Story” by Mistress T is available on Amazon in paperback, ebook & audiobook, narrated by me.
Well, thanks for your reply. We’ve had talks and even “fights” before, you and I, but I always appreciate your well-written and thoughtful opinions and explanations..
Perhaps if I read your book, all will become clear? 🙂
What advice would you give to a relatively young guy with a less than average penis and short stature? I feel like it doesn’t matter how much i improve myself, Im going to the gym, wearing the latest fashion, being clean and always have nice manners. Yet I can’t seem to find a girl let alone getting one date and I have tried most dating apps and sites. I have tried munches (very limited here in Sweden) and clubs without success either. It come to a point where I think it’s just hopeless.
What is life? Is it only about sex or romantic relationships? Are single people living pointless, empty lives? If a person who could easily date chooses to be single, is that better than someone who wants to date but can’t seem to match with someone? My recommendation is to live a life that you are passionate about. Do the things that you really love doing. Be the best friend to people that you can be. Be a part of your community, help people, learn new things, savor what life has to offer. Do that for you. Be in a fulfilling relationship with yourself. By doing so, you increase your chances of meeting someone as you’ll likely be out there interacting with more people in different ways & someone who is enjoying their life tends to be more attractive to others. The key is to actually enjoy your life though, not to do it JUST to attract a mate. Check out the link I attached for the Mark Manson book;-)
Yes and I hear you clearly. Good advice in general and should be applied without a doubt.
But there comes to a point where no matter if I try or not try, I’m simply invincible to other women. I know this might sound like a first world problem or even Incelish, but we as a society usually make single people feel some kind of a shame or even guilt for not being with someone.
Maybe it’s also easier to blame it on my height and move on and accept things than actually trying. I don’t know. But I’ll definitely check out the book!
Whether you focus negatively on your height or not, it will still be there. The glass is half empty AND half full.
You are just right for someone. You can focus on those for whom you are not right for or you can seek those who want what you have. Does it matter that more women prefer taller men? How many women do you need? I prefer short men. I’m not the only one. But I don’t like all short men. And that doesn’t even matter if you focus on what I said originally. Be the best version of you, you can be, FOR YOU. Seek to make genuine connections with other humans of any age or gender. Have the balls to live your best life & make the world a better place. Who cares about social stigma regarding being single or being in a relationship? There’s social stigma for everything if you look. Too successful? You must be soulless. Underemployed? You must be a loser. In a relationship that isn’t perfect? You must have settled. Divorced? You must not have worked hard enough. Have a fun hobby? You haven’t grown up. Have no hobbies? You’re passionless.
Do you see how you can never win if you give a shit what ‘society’ thinks? Think for your own damn self.
Thanks for the well thought reply. You’re
totally right about society and how we usually judge anyone who doesn’t fit the norm.
Will try to have that type of mindset from now on and hope for the best. That k you once again for replying!
Well, what to do to be a good person in general, and a good man in particular is not often hard to fathom, but can be difficult to put into practice. The following is the kind of stuff we used to suggest in mentoring programs for young men and teens many years ago. I apologize if they seem like empty slogans or clichés, but if we try to live them, they are no longer empty. I make no claim to have achieved any of them, but try to hit all of them. Good luck young Men.
In general, beware of advice or philosophies that tend to rile you up or make you focused on the difficulties or obstacles or prejudices against you, and focus instead on trying to understand others and help them with their version of the troubles.
VOLUNTEER! In a position that helps a area of society you are interested in,.
Be strict with your self evaluations, but gently firm in your attempts to steer your self towards being better. Hating or disrespecting yourself will get you nowhere. Be aware with your faults, and work to minimize or eradicate them. But just as you should not respond with venom and malice to people you find disagreeable, keep a civil demeanor with your self as you work to clean up your deficiencies.
READ! Even if you are not drawn to it, If you just cant read at all, listen to audiobooks. Mix fun and interesting books with ones that challenge you to consider the greater questions of life.
Pray and or meditate and or ponder about positive values such as kindness, forgiveness, EMPATHY, modesty, and integrity. Be wary of too much focus on the stereotypical masculine virtues associated with warriors Ideally they should be part of all us, encouraged and exercised enough to exist in us, but never trotted out to use unless really needed.
WORK. Don’t be a freeloader, work to support yourself and others less fortunate. Be grateful you can do whatever work you can do, Try to learn new skills and ways to be more productive with a good purpose. HOWEVER, don’t live to work.
Beware of self Improvement books and philosophies that try to teach you how to gain an edge on others, and focus instead on those that try to get you to improve some aspect of yourself, and to understand others better.
In the short term, learn to roll with difficulties, and annoyances and privations, but in the long run, if something is dragging you down all the time, you may need to change your life to get away from it.
Beware of the lure of the easy way out of difficulties, but do not seek conflict,.
BE clean and decent and have a smile and a kind word for others.
Unless you know for sure you should not, Respect other people’s views, property, walk through life, and motivations. Don’t read negative character or ill intent into everything other people do that annoys you or goes against what you want.
Try to have a sense of humor about life, even if it has to be sarcastic or wry or even irreverent. Guys who never see the humor in anything drag life down PDQ.
Beware of the MGTOW mentality. I have been around a long time and no man I know and respect enough to want for a brother or father believes in it.
Women are half the people on the planet, there is absolutely no reason to treat that half with less respect, deference, or consideration than you would the male half.
Associate with good people when you can, and don’t be afraid to see good in people that society at large scorns, Some of the best people I have been fortunate to know have been like that, including sometimes, me.
Every day, be grateful for whatever you can find to be grateful for.
Loads of good stuff there! Thank you for sharing:-)
Great advice. You would have been a great psychologist.
I always watch your porn, mostly because I find you extremely hot and not for so much for the fetish part. Do you have any videos that you consider “healthy porn” are you planning to do some?
Thanks for the post, great reading as always!
Labeling something “healthy porn” is subjective. Some would say that I give guys with secret fetishes a place to feel safe & celebrate their kinks without shame, so it’s healthy for them.
I’d say that the ones where I’m coaching men to control their orgasm could be healthy or the ones where I talk about putting women’s sexual needs before their to be better lovers. That’s just off the top of my head.