I often get emails from guys asking my advice on how to introduce their kinks to their partners. To which I respond: “I’m not fucking Ann Landers!”. Okay, I’ve actually never said that, but for a moment you thought I was a bit of a dick, didn’t ya?
You might be surprised how communicative & friendly I’ll be for a generous tribute…so if you’d like to benefit from my years of experience feel free to contact me for personal, customized assistance. MsT@MistressT.net (Tribute button is on my clips store: http://www.clips4sale.com/23869)
For free, I’ll share a few general tips for you right now. See, I’m not a dick. *smile*
If you’ve been jerking off to some kinky porn, feeling like a freak secretly & fretting that you’ll never be able to have your fantasies come true, you might be right. Especially if you’re into the Giantess fetish, Vore, castration fetish, or something especially tricky. If you’re just into feet, getting pegged (strap-on/bum play), getting peed on, giving up control, cuckolding (fantasy, at first at least)…those kinds of things might be doable within your relationship.
Of course every relationship & gal is unique. These are only guidelines.
#1. Be really fucking good to your lady. Whatever that means to her. Help out around the house, make her a meal, fix something, move something, give her a back rub, draw her a bath, take her to that place she likes to go, basically: suck up. Be a gentleman & make her feel cherished. A woman tends to be more receptive to accommodating what you’re into if she feels like she’s gotten everything she wants.
#2. Make sure she’s sexually pleased. Find out what she wants & give it to her. However she wants it. Let her know she can ask you for ANYTHING & you won’t judge, you’ll do your best to make her sexually satisfied. (Similar to #1 but you should do BOTH sexual & non-sexual things to make her happy.)
#3. Read Savage Love articles together & discuss what advice you would give before you read his responses. This opens up a dialogue & gets you both thinking about alternative sex stuff. You can probably even find articles dealing with your specific kink! That’s a great way to introduce your gal to it & measure her reaction without making yourself too vulnerable.
#4. Have a drink or two together. Don’t get shit-faced. Just 1 or 2 drinks to relax you both.
#5. Bring it up lightly. Low pressure. Something like: “I’ve got a confession…I’ve been getting turned on by _____ lately for some reason. It might be fun to explore. What do you think of that?” NOTE: Obviously start at the lowest level of whatever you’re into. If you want her to pee on you, start with asking if you can lick her clean after, that you just want to taste a drop. If you want her to fuck you with a strap-on, start with a condom-covered finger. If you want to worship her feet, even if you like them dirty/smelly, start with kissing her toes in the bathtub. If you want her to take control just suggest she tie you up with some neck ties or scarfs & have her way with you/use you like a sex toy. If you want her to sleep with other men (cuckolding) ask her to just pretend she’s been with another guy & role-play telling you during sex. If you want to cross dress, Halloween is a great time to start gently.
#6. Don’t pressure her. If it turns her off, leave it alone. Let her know the lines of communication are open if she wants to discuss why you have this interest or whatever. If she thinks about it for a bit & discusses it more it might marinate into something she gets excited about exploring too. But not if she feels pressured.
#7. Be grateful for ANY effort she makes. Even if it’s not playing out perfectly or taking longer to get to where you want to go be sure to let her know how much it means that she’s indulging you. Positive reinforcement. Keep being really good to her. Don’t be a douche & sulk or punish/guilt her if you’re not getting what you want.
Sex should be fun for both of you. Make sure you communicate that clearly. This is play, it’s fun, it’s recreation, exploring, checking things off your sex bucket list, etc. If you both have a healthy attitude about sex you’re probably fine.
Be prepared for a negative reaction. She might be grossed out or turned off. If that happens don’t freak out. Handle it with grace. It seems to be rare that even couples with healthy functioning relationships also have sexual interests that match up perfectly. If she’s not receptive, you’ll make do like so many others, watching porn, seeing Professionals, having affairs or breaking up & looking elsewhere. Such is life.
Members site: http://www.MistressT.net
Interesting and thought provoking article. I married a tall red head, gorgeous and dominant but in a vanilla way, probably never heard of the the word femdom, but was always in control of her relationships, turns out was totally into tease and denial, although has no idea that’s what it is called. But is only interested in teasing and controlling well hung cocky guys who are seemingly a challenge. She seems to totally have the skill set to be a pro domm although the idea would I sense be too ‘out there’ for her. We are introducing the power exchange into our relationship very very slowly and delicately, because we have had a few swings and misses, expectations seem to be the tricky part and its so tough to be honest and totally open to those expectations sometimes because you are giving up what as a vanilla male, you have hidden and probably been ashamed of all your life. At the risk of boring people I will stop now but do have more I can add if anyone feels this resonates at all and would like to know more.
Ms T, as always, intelligent, fascinating and honest stuff from you, thanks so much.
I’d like you to go on. I think a lot of readers (although silent) really want to hear about other’s experiences.
Like Mark, I found this article a great read. As you say, I would imagine trying to introduce a (vanilla-ish) partner to these kinds of games is something that would have to be built (or torn down, as it were) “brick by brick”. Your #1 is so key; you have to make her feel spoiled w/ thoughtful boyfriend/hubby behavior, and without making it seem like you’re expecting a big “qui pro quo” as a result.
Oh, and Mark,
I’m going to go out on a limb and posit that the readers of this blog will not find the details of what you and your wife have been trying out of late the least bit “boring”. Thanks for sharing the above–I, for one, would certainly like to read more if you cared to share.
Mark,I totally hear what you are saying. In fact, I am in a similar situation. My wife and I have talked about spanking, but we are not sure exactly how to go about doing it. I know she is into trying it, but does not want it to be violent and is nervous about causing pain. Also, physically how to do it in the confines of our living space is an issue.
Other times, we do things that are femdom-like, but we do not say it aloud. Examples include an extended erotic body massage that satisfies my worship desire and a position that includes her cradling my head at her breast while we masturbate each other that definitely addresses my mommy-fetish. I haven’t told her about these particular kinks but she calls them her favorite parts of our sex-life and I am not going to ruin a great thing for both us by saying everything that goes on in my mind about them.
I wish everyone else who is exploring these desires with their partners the best of luck.
I love your pics.
I will get back to this, I have just been super busy, thanks for your patience and interest too.
Power exchange made its way into our relationship about 10 year ago before we were married. I had sub tendencies that she knew about, pantyhose, foot worship, she like to pull hair during sex and noticed it made me harder, or when she teased or taunted a little she could feel intensified arousal. If she said something like ‘I come first ALWAYS, you hear me’, I would really start to give it to her hard, or one time she was on top of me on the floor and her nylons were stripped off and beside my face as she was riding me she saw me staring at them and said ‘what do you want, these? Huh? and she picked them up and pushed them in my face, the harder she grinded them the harder I became and she rode me so hard she still has the rug burn scars on her knees.
The reason I bring this up is not some wank off letter or fantasy, just to say that the commonality was there for us which is really luck, but it has been delicate nevertheless. Honesty is so important yet difficult because you are sharing things that you have maybe felt were taboo your whole life and fear being judged. The second part to that is sometimes the honesty you get is not what you want to hear and it can hurt, but if you show that hurt or make your partner feel bad at all, wow, it can be so regressive. So honesty, in my experience is super key, but how you react to that honesty is just as important. Again, I have much more I can add, but only if anyone is interested. We actually had a moment early on, where she showed she was a total size queen and really caused an epiphany for me in terms of admitting to myself I was truly a submissive male, not an alpha as much as I had always feigned such on the outside.
Thank you Mistress T for an excellent general description of how to get the ball rolling.
I wonder if you could do another “public service” 🙂 entry on anal sex. From talking to girlfriends and men friends a lot of women seem to have have a pretty poor view of it, and treat it more of a chore, than something they look forward to. Can you advise what sort of things people should be doing to make it mutually enjoyable?