Judgement has been the topic of several of my blog posts & as much as I wish it would go away so I wouldn’t need to talk about it anymore, alas, that’s not reality.
I also like to talk about it because I know so many of my readers struggle with this too. Many have never told anyone about their fetishes or have had negative reactions after someone has found out.
Imagine making your fetishes your job & having your face all over the internet broadcasting how kinky you are. That’s the difficult path I’ve chosen. I love my work but there are trade-offs for living my life so out in the open.
The last few months I’ve been dabbling in online dating. I would love to have a significant other in my life. Lovers come & go. Some turn into wonderful friends. I’ve been blessed. Yet I still feel like my life would be enhanced by a very significant other. Of course my job & lifestyle are an obstacle but I know a lot of women in my industry who have found wonderful partners.
Most of my 1st dates have been fine. There just hasn’t been chemistry. Most guys I tell about my alter-ego say they don’t have a problem with it but I’m very aware that a lot of guys are just lonely & will say anything for some company. I tell them all right away what I do so that if it’s an issue we can just get that out of the way.
In the last week I went on a couple dates with two different guys who really seemed to have potential. Yet, the sting of judgement got me in two different & unique ways.
1. After a couple dates with the 1st potential Mr. Right he accidentally let it slip how disgusted he was with a particular sexual activity that just happened to be near the top of my list of favorite activities. (Don’t bother asking me what that is specifically. My sexuality is complex & part of it requires me to not tell the entire world EVERYTHING.) If he had just not been into it I could have let it go, but it was the judgement, the disgust of it that got me. As I tried to make my exit he back-peddled trying to say that maybe he could try it but the damage was done. Most of us fetishists would rather indulge our fetishes with someone who is also into it, not doing it ‘just’ for us.
2. Contestant #2 feared his teen daughter would get teased at school if her class mates found out her dad was dating a porn star. As I made my exit he seemed concerned that he had hurt my feelings. I laughed at that. My answer would have been too complex. I thought of his daughter finding out years later that her dad passed up a potentially wonderful relationship with a women for such a silly reason. She probably worries about how lonely her dad is & would be happy just to see him happy. I have some personal experience as the teen in this case but that’s a longer story. I didn’t bother saying any of that because the damage was already done. Deep down I felt there was judgement & narrow-mindedness on his part that he wasn’t being honest with himself about.
These were just two guys that I went on a couple of dates with. There was no emotional attachment, only the potential for one. In the long run I probably won’t even remember them. It’s the judgment that leaves a mark.
So if you’re reading this & thinking about your own personal experience being judged for being different, for having a fetish or kink, for wanting something out of the norm, know that you’re not alone. The world is FULL of deviants, perverts, fetishists, sinners, lovers of the alternative. I have many wonderful friends who don’t just accept me but celebrate all that I am.
If you’re reading this & you’re guilty of having judged someone, for shaming someone, for making someone feel broken for being aroused by something other than what arouses you: Do not judge others for sinning differently than you. Or: Judge not lest ye be judged. All of us ‘could’ easily be judged by someone for something. Sexual diversity should be celebrated.