Keeping Casual Sex Respectful

Version 2

“I hope you don’t feel like you’re not enough?”

This is what I asked my “side guy” the other day & our conversation got me thinking about the art of balancing multiple relationships. I thought the topic might be of interest to my readers.

I’ve been with the same partner for a few years. It’s the deepest & healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We also practice consensual non-monogamy. That’s the term I use instead of “swingers” (which sounds like we’re partying every weekend, wife swapping) or “poly” (polyamory usually means more than one equal emotional romantic relationship).

I like the term “non-monogamous” as it allows us to define what it is for us & for it to evolve.

I currently have one other regular partner, my “side guy”, who I get together with a few times a month. He’s fun, sexy, sane, drama-free & “gets it”, as in he’s been in a similar relationship so understand things from the other side. He respects my relationship & my primary partner. He doesn’t try to seduce me into falling in love with him or any nonsense.

He just wants lighter connections at this time having recently exited a draining long term relationship. I’m not his only lover & he’s not wanting to get serious with anyone, but he does prefer to like who he’s fucking.

It’s going great but the other day it occurred to me that he could feel objectified or feel inadequate, like he’s not enough.

I thought about how powerful, sexually liberated women high five each other & talk about using boy toys & tossing them away, like men don’t have feelings. I’d argue that if a man is so void of emotional depth that he’s content to be only used like a human dildo maybe he’s not really worth fucking? I know this goes against all the “FemDom sex” vids I’ve done where I just use men for their cocks & ya know what? That stuff is still hot & it has it’s place…but in my efforts to educate, to define the differences between fantasy & reality, I want to just be real here & say that mutual respect & consideration can be more fulfilling than an objectifying, disposable fuck.

There’s a fine line though, isn’t there? Liking the person you’re fucking could lead to loving the person you’re fucking. How do you maintain healthy boundaries? In my case it’s easy to do but hard to articulate. I guess I treat a casual lover as I would a really good friend. What I have with my main/primary partner is much deeper & more complex.

I could probably debate the nuances of these kinds of relationships & interactions with each of my readers or write a ridiculously long blog post that no one would read. I’m aware that I need to keep these things brief as attention spans are preciously short.

I’ll sum up, leaving too much out no doubt. Feel free to comment to expand the conversation. If you’re having “casual sex”, it’s okay to care about your partner. You can be kind, compassionate & respectful without falling head over heels in love…& you can have a mainly physical relationship with someone AND expect them to treat you with kindness, compassion & respect. There’s nothing wrong with mutually enjoying carnal pleasure with someone you don’t want to be in a full relationship with. There’s a lot of factors that might not line up for a relationship, compatibility & all that. It doesn’t mean that they or you are not enough, not good enough, worthless, disposable or only good for one thing.

So to answer the question I opened the blog with, he thought for a moment before responding: “I could feel that way & it might make sense, but I don’t. You are generous with compliments. You treat me with respect. I know you have something special with your partner & you’re not wanting to replace him, this is just extra fun for you. We’re good.”

Wish me luck as I continue to tight rope walk thru non-monogamy:-)

xo

Mistress T

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24 thoughts on “Keeping Casual Sex Respectful

  1. (non-monogamy – outsourcing)
    “What really makes a relationship work?” Whether a relationship is monogamous or non-monogamous, what makes it work is mutual trust, respect, attachment, good communication, empathy, the ability to self-reflect and grow, consideration, and the desire to support each other in being true to who you are. Good luck! 🙂

    • Great question! So far my partner is more apt to have even more casual encounters, in that he has a few partners he’s been with a few times over the last year. So not as regular sexually but very friendly. Friends first who occasionally have sex. And he’s had a few exciting random encounters. I give him a wide berth to explore his sexuality as long as I’m respected…meaning that he doesn’t hide things from me & his paramours know he’s in a committed relationship that he’s not trying to get out of (he’s not cheating & he’s not looking to replace me).
      I don’t desire that much variety. I prefer to find someone I’m comfortable with & stick with him for awhile on a fairly regular/predictable basis.

  2. It’s not clear to me what made you think he felt he wasn’t enough. Seems like he is good with the terms of your relashionship with him and with your main partner. I’ve been in a relationship like this and it felt great. Light, as you said. Maybe not everyone that is into this have learned what is in ‘Philosophy in the Bedroom’, by Sade, but seems like he knows how it goes and he does have the real you.

    • Great question! I was trying to keep my blog post brief. We were having a conversation about why my partner isn’t threatened by him. It could be an easy leap of logic to conclude my partner is not threatened by him because he’s not “good enough” to be my primary partner.
      Do you see?
      But it’s that what my primary partner & I have is so strong it is not threatened even by this other guy, who is actually really great & who will make a wonderful partner to someone when he meets the right person & is in a place of wanting that kind of relationship.

  3. I can understand that someone who does the work you do, and who is very liberal when it comes to sex, won’t have a problem with having multiple partners at the same time. Hell, I suppose the majority of people are or have been dating multiple people simultaneously at some point in their life.

    But although that’s fine if everyone’s in on it, I personally don’t understand how someone can have sex with someone without it being someone you want to spend your life with exclusively. No, I’m not religious. I just think that sex is such a personal thing that it shouldn’t be used as a plaything, you know?

    If you can have a “real” relationship with one man, and still have sex with other men on the side….I don’t know how you do it, but fine. It works for you.
    Personally, however, if someone I loved wanted to have an open relationship, or if they cheated on me, that would be it. They’d be out of my life forever.

    I mean, what’s the point of being in a romantic relationship if it’s not exclusive?
    You need to share your innermost feelings and vulnerabilities with someone to make it work, and to me, that doesn’t include fucking someone on the side…

    • Your point of view is valid & shared by many.
      There are also many people who can’t imagine only having sex with the same person for the rest of their lives. No matter if the sex is great & the relationship is strong.
      Sharing innermost feelings & vulnerabilities with one person actually has nothing to do with sex. You could do that with a partner who has had an accident & is not longer able to have sex. You can do that with a best friend or a family member.
      It’s a cultural thing really, how we’re brought up to think. Sure, in some cultures where monogamy is not the norm some people are still monogamous. So you might still feel the same way if you were brought up differently…or you might not. Impossible to say:-)

      • I wasn’t brought up conservative or traditionally or anything like that. In fact, my parents are basically hippies.
        But whereas I’m very open-minded and flexible in most areas of life, when it comes to romance, I’m a one woman man.
        I don’t know why, but that’s just how it is.

        It’s true, though, that in Sweden, where I’m from, there is no dating scene to speak of. Everyone just gets drunk and hopes for the best. So I don’t know if that’s influenced my attitude or not. 🙂

  4. Seems like you all are fine with your relationships. That’s rare! You guys are blessed. Non-monogamous relationships are hard to keep healthy. All the best wishes to you all.

  5. Hi Mistress T, that was very considerate and sweet of you to ask that question!

    I am guessing that any man with enough going on for him to attract a sage and experienced and soulful gal like you would have to be pretty centered and with a healthy self love.

    In all my serious friendships, be they male or female, if I cant be honest enough to share things that make me cry with the person, then I don’t think we are that close. Back when I was a kid, for dating to get to actual screwing, it had to be that intimate. I tried playing when I had the physique for it, and it just wasn’t me.

    I think the position your friendly lover is in resonates well as the next step with those of us in multi-decade monogamous marriage. I talked about this a lot with the other old monogamy guys I worked with, most were not looking for another marriage after the one they are in now. Were I, Heaven forbid, to ever lose my wife, I doubt I would ever seriously consider monogamy again. I felt when I wed, as Marcus does now, and I mostly still do. But at 60 I am not the cat I was at thirty, and if being alone most nights is the cost for having say two 3-4 dates a week girlfriends who are awesome and interesting women, I would gladly live that life over another church marriage and just one woman, and no chance to flirt and follow it up without guilt. .

    As for toy boys: I do think treating anyone like a disposable toy is anathema to being an enlightened and liberated soul. BUT
    some guys do seem to want NSA sex, so be it, it is their life. I do see a difference in what I call (pardon the old school terminology) Session Play (with safe-words and aftercare) and other sex. Other sex could be anything from one night stands to a Loving long term relationship.

    In a session, be it for a film, as a way for two lovers to explore sexuality with each other, or as a paid session, there is more leeway for objectification. It is controlled, it can give the top a sense of liberation, and allow the objectified to open up to their sexual potential to receive and orgasm/face a relationship fear/just enjoy being an agent of another person’s happiness. I

    In other sex, objectification is probably something to avoid almost always. I remember this guy in our dorm that was built like Lance Hart, and very handsome. He looked like a player, but he really was a nice kid in a 21 year old stud’s body. He got pumped and dumped by some gal one weekend, and he was devastated. And yes to some extent I agree that guys with no feelings in the game probably are not as worthy as some other guys for multiple dates.

    In the end, as you and others have noted, I think having honest communication and being a respectful person precludes hurting another sexual partner. I do think scheduling dates and vacations could cause some inadvertent scuffed feelings, but overall when you know and feel someone is 100 in the moment when they are with you, it is all good!

    PS Perhaps being respectful also includes mastering the art of the gentle disengagement from those who do not make the cut of being a long term date partner?

  6. Great blog and interesting dynamic. I’m curious how each of you approach you encounters as a level of intimacy. To be more blunt, are you ‘making love’ to both partners? Or just your main partner, or neither? I wonder how your ‘side’ guy approaches it as well. When there is a disparity in viewpoints that can cause problems. I’m fascinated as to multiple partners and what rises to the level of lovemaking in the relationship.

    • Great question!
      The love making with my partner is certainly more intense & intimate. It really feels different, deeper, more connected & more fulfilling on every level.
      With others it sometimes feels more “fun” as in recreational. Like if you went to the symphony & the music moved you to tears just sitting in your seat vs. going to a rock concert where you clap & boogie to the music. Both are great, but different. I like the variety!

  7. I am wondering if you’ve ever thought about a threesome with your partner and your side guy or a threesome with your partner and a gal of his choice?

    • Great question! We all attend sex parties, I think that’s how we all met actually, so have had scenario’s where we’ve all been on the same bed…but I’m more of a one-on-one person. The sex with my partner & my other lovers tends to be quite different & doesn’t necessarily mix as well in a threesome scenario.

    • Casual sex or hooking up refers to certain types of human sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship. The term is not always used consistently: it may refer to extramarital sex, sex in a casual relationship, one-time encounters, promiscuity, or sex in the absence of emotional attachment or love, which can include prostitution and swinging. Other terms sometimes associated with casual sex include friends with benefits, one night stand, recreational sex, social sex, non-relationship sex, no-strings-attached sex, physical relationship, or sex with no games. Recreational sex or social sex refers to sexual activity which focuses on sexual pleasure without an emotional aspect or commitment. Recreational sex can take place in a number of contexts. It may, for example, take place in an open marriage, such as among swingers where sex is viewed as a social occasion, or in an open relationship. It can also take place in a casual relationship.

    • If u prefer to only fantasize about me as an object it’s best u only watch my vids & not follow me on twitter or read my blog entitled: “Get to know Mistress T more intimately.”
      If u felt comfortable, entitled or motivated to voice ur opinion publicly that u r turned off knowing that I’m in a happy, healthy relationship u have a serious problem. A serious fucking problem.

      • I’m sorry if I sounded rude just posting my thoughts no harm intended. If you don’t like what people comment on your blog don’t reply or disable the comments.

        • No harm intended? If you don’t like your “thoughts” challenged, don’t post them publicly. Take personal responsibility for your own actions. That you objectify me to the point of not wanting to know I am in a relationship is disturbing enough, but now you don’t think your comments should be considered to intend harm? Do you not get that I am a real human with real feelings? I’m not just the fantasy character in the video. If we were sitting across from each other in a coffee shop would you have felt comfortable saying to my face: “I’m a bit turned off knowing you’re in a relationship with someone.”
          If you think you would feel okay saying that to me in person, how would you expect me to react? Do I care how you feel? To be honest, no. I do care that you feel comfortable saying that to me. It’s not just “rude”, it’s disturbing. Check yourself.

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