“I hope you don’t feel like you’re not enough?”
This is what I asked my “side guy” the other day & our conversation got me thinking about the art of balancing multiple relationships. I thought the topic might be of interest to my readers.
I’ve been with the same partner for a few years. It’s the deepest & healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We also practice consensual non-monogamy. That’s the term I use instead of “swingers” (which sounds like we’re partying every weekend, wife swapping) or “poly” (polyamory usually means more than one equal emotional romantic relationship).
I like the term “non-monogamous” as it allows us to define what it is for us & for it to evolve.
I currently have one other regular partner, my “side guy”, who I get together with a few times a month. He’s fun, sexy, sane, drama-free & “gets it”, as in he’s been in a similar relationship so understand things from the other side. He respects my relationship & my primary partner. He doesn’t try to seduce me into falling in love with him or any nonsense.
He just wants lighter connections at this time having recently exited a draining long term relationship. I’m not his only lover & he’s not wanting to get serious with anyone, but he does prefer to like who he’s fucking.
It’s going great but the other day it occurred to me that he could feel objectified or feel inadequate, like he’s not enough.
I thought about how powerful, sexually liberated women high five each other & talk about using boy toys & tossing them away, like men don’t have feelings. I’d argue that if a man is so void of emotional depth that he’s content to be only used like a human dildo maybe he’s not really worth fucking? I know this goes against all the “FemDom sex” vids I’ve done where I just use men for their cocks & ya know what? That stuff is still hot & it has it’s place…but in my efforts to educate, to define the differences between fantasy & reality, I want to just be real here & say that mutual respect & consideration can be more fulfilling than an objectifying, disposable fuck.
There’s a fine line though, isn’t there? Liking the person you’re fucking could lead to loving the person you’re fucking. How do you maintain healthy boundaries? In my case it’s easy to do but hard to articulate. I guess I treat a casual lover as I would a really good friend. What I have with my main/primary partner is much deeper & more complex.
I could probably debate the nuances of these kinds of relationships & interactions with each of my readers or write a ridiculously long blog post that no one would read. I’m aware that I need to keep these things brief as attention spans are preciously short.
I’ll sum up, leaving too much out no doubt. Feel free to comment to expand the conversation. If you’re having “casual sex”, it’s okay to care about your partner. You can be kind, compassionate & respectful without falling head over heels in love…& you can have a mainly physical relationship with someone AND expect them to treat you with kindness, compassion & respect. There’s nothing wrong with mutually enjoying carnal pleasure with someone you don’t want to be in a full relationship with. There’s a lot of factors that might not line up for a relationship, compatibility & all that. It doesn’t mean that they or you are not enough, not good enough, worthless, disposable or only good for one thing.
So to answer the question I opened the blog with, he thought for a moment before responding: “I could feel that way & it might make sense, but I don’t. You are generous with compliments. You treat me with respect. I know you have something special with your partner & you’re not wanting to replace him, this is just extra fun for you. We’re good.”
Wish me luck as I continue to tight rope walk thru non-monogamy:-)
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