Keeping Casual Sex Respectful

Version 2

“I hope you don’t feel like you’re not enough?”

This is what I asked my “side guy” the other day & our conversation got me thinking about the art of balancing multiple relationships. I thought the topic might be of interest to my readers.

I’ve been with the same partner for a few years. It’s the deepest & healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We also practice consensual non-monogamy. That’s the term I use instead of “swingers” (which sounds like we’re partying every weekend, wife swapping) or “poly” (polyamory usually means more than one equal emotional romantic relationship).

I like the term “non-monogamous” as it allows us to define what it is for us & for it to evolve.

I currently have one other regular partner, my “side guy”, who I get together with a few times a month. He’s fun, sexy, sane, drama-free & “gets it”, as in he’s been in a similar relationship so understand things from the other side. He respects my relationship & my primary partner. He doesn’t try to seduce me into falling in love with him or any nonsense.

He just wants lighter connections at this time having recently exited a draining long term relationship. I’m not his only lover & he’s not wanting to get serious with anyone, but he does prefer to like who he’s fucking.

It’s going great but the other day it occurred to me that he could feel objectified or feel inadequate, like he’s not enough.

I thought about how powerful, sexually liberated women high five each other & talk about using boy toys & tossing them away, like men don’t have feelings. I’d argue that if a man is so void of emotional depth that he’s content to be only used like a human dildo maybe he’s not really worth fucking? I know this goes against all the “FemDom sex” vids I’ve done where I just use men for their cocks & ya know what? That stuff is still hot & it has it’s place…but in my efforts to educate, to define the differences between fantasy & reality, I want to just be real here & say that mutual respect & consideration can be more fulfilling than an objectifying, disposable fuck.

There’s a fine line though, isn’t there? Liking the person you’re fucking could lead to loving the person you’re fucking. How do you maintain healthy boundaries? In my case it’s easy to do but hard to articulate. I guess I treat a casual lover as I would a really good friend. What I have with my main/primary partner is much deeper & more complex.

I could probably debate the nuances of these kinds of relationships & interactions with each of my readers or write a ridiculously long blog post that no one would read. I’m aware that I need to keep these things brief as attention spans are preciously short.

I’ll sum up, leaving too much out no doubt. Feel free to comment to expand the conversation. If you’re having “casual sex”, it’s okay to care about your partner. You can be kind, compassionate & respectful without falling head over heels in love…& you can have a mainly physical relationship with someone AND expect them to treat you with kindness, compassion & respect. There’s nothing wrong with mutually enjoying carnal pleasure with someone you don’t want to be in a full relationship with. There’s a lot of factors that might not line up for a relationship, compatibility & all that. It doesn’t mean that they or you are not enough, not good enough, worthless, disposable or only good for one thing.

So to answer the question I opened the blog with, he thought for a moment before responding: “I could feel that way & it might make sense, but I don’t. You are generous with compliments. You treat me with respect. I know you have something special with your partner & you’re not wanting to replace him, this is just extra fun for you. We’re good.”

Wish me luck as I continue to tight rope walk thru non-monogamy:-)


Mistress T

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Going on the sly


Let me be clear: this post is in no way meant to be enticing to those with a fetish for toilet play. The types of video’s I’ve made in this genre have nothing to do with real life. Therefore I will endeavor to use terminology that is not titillating. You should still be able to follow along.

I’ve had my share of flings & one-night stands over the last couple of decades. My preference is usually to not spend the night for one particular reason: I am very ‘regular’ & always ‘go’ as soon as I wake up in the morning. That can make things awkward with a new person, especially if they are hoping for morning sex.

I recently had a one nighter with a fella I just met. (I still have a wonderful boyfriend, for those on the ball…we’re open about the occasional dalliance as we realistically understand monogamy doesn’t usually work…but that’s a whole other topic). This fella was a friend of a friend so I felt comfortable going for it after a brief flirtation. I was out of town though so ended up spending the night at his…& found myself in an awkward predicament I thought my fans might find amusing, cringe-worthy, interesting or at least a nice break from the US political gong-show.

When we arrived at his fancy custom designed home I got the tour. I made special note of the locations of the bathrooms. One on the main level near the kitchen. One in the guest bedroom. One in his bedroom. But wait, what in the actual fuck? The toilet in his open-style bedroom was basically right out in the open. Sort of tucked behind a half wall with no door, fully in view from the bed & most of the room.

I was pretty confident this had nothing to do with a fetish. This was just a design concept that made perfect sense for a single guy.

The sex was fantastic. Lots of fun. We drifted off to sleep with me feeling impending doom about what’s coming in the morning: he had mentioned that he likes morning sex.

From a deep sleep at early light I felt him slip carefully from the bed & out of the bedroom. I slowly start to become more alert…& as it goes every morning my body switches into evacuation mode. I start to panic. In the morning light the toilet sits there half out in the open like a clown at a funeral.

Like a lot of people, women in particular, I like to be discrete about my lavatory visits. I try to be fairly stealth about it. Why? To create the illusion that I don’t even do that nasty bit of business? Classy ladies don’t vacate their bowels? Who knows, but at 40 years old I’m still trying to do it on the sly & the last thing I want a temporary lover to be thinking about or visualizing is what I’m doing in the washroom for 15 minutes.

I listened but could not hear him. I decided to take a risk on the open toilet. I could try to make it to one of the others but I didn’t know where he was & if I would get intercepted. I worried he might think I was snooping or worse, he might actually know exactly what I’m doing. God forbid.

I sat there, like a deer in an open field during hunting season. My bowels locking up in fright & cramping in urgency at the same time. Trying to relax, bargaining that if he walked in I could just ask for privacy. So what if I was doing a #2 for Christ sake. Everyone does it. I could make a joke about it. Maybe I’d even seem cool to not care. But then I heard a noise & my butt clamped shut as I jumped up, flushed & hurried back to bed.

A few minutes later he came back in as I pretended to still be asleep. He slipped into bed & started cuddling me. The last thing I wanted was to be touched. He asked if I’d like to have sex or if I was more hungry? He could make me breakfast or we could go out, then have more sex later. Again, SO wasn’t interested in sex as my poor body sent out alarm bells that it was time for our morning routine. Keeping my game face I tried to suggest as sensually as possible that we go out for breakfast & have sex later. That would allow me to ask to ‘freshen up’ before going out. A great plan! I could use the guest room under the guise of wanting to test out the “James Bond” washroom cleverly hidden behind sliding doors.

I nearly sprinted to the door as he followed & got me a towel…trying to sneak in a little sexy fondle & kiss. Bless his heart. He was actually perfectly lovely but it was everything I could do to not squat right there & relieve myself. I was a woman on a mission. He no sooner left & I got down to business. It was such a relief. I think I heard angels singing. But the moment I flushed he opened the door & walked in saying he was worried I wouldn’t be able to reach the shampoo on the high shelf in the shower. I was MORTIFIED. Was he fucking standing right outside the door waiting for me to finish??? Could he smell it?!

So much drama over a natural bodily function. Why all the fuss? I don’t know but I don’t think I’m anywhere near being more okay with it than I ever have been.


Mistress T

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A pain in the neck…


It all started with a sore neck. I don’t know why but I woke up Sunday morning with a stiff neck & I badly wanted a massage. I was also horny & feeling like some adventure. I decided a massage/orgasm combo would be perfect.

Long-time readers of my blog may recall a couple blog entries I’ve written about my adventures in paying for sexual services or getting “Rub n’ tugs” (Massage with hand release/orgasm):

So Sunday I placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a guy with massage skills to work out my kinks with the potential of more if it felt right in the moment. My inbox was immediately flooded with eager applicants. It was difficult to sift through the mess to determine who would actually be any good at massage. I did the best I could wadding through the promises of horny, desperate guys & made a choice.

For anyone with any experience hooking up with random strangers on the internet for free or paid sex or dating, you understand how this often goes:

I show up to the guys place, he opens the door and weighs about 100 pounds more than he did in the picture. So I know I’m not going to fuck him, but my neck does hurt, so what the heck. He’s nervous but obviously over joyed that I showed up looking better than he expected. He starts the massage & it felt like drunk kittens were staggering around on my back. This guy had the massage skills of a fish. I guided him as best I could & when my neck was at least slightly more relaxed I flipped over & told him to lick my pussy. Fat & ugly or not, I could close my eyes & pretend he was someone else.

Happily, his oral skills were decent & it didn’t take me long to cum. I didn’t plan on reciprocating but as he stood up I noticed the wet spot on the front of his pants & on the bed. He had blown his load in his underwear without even touching himself. He was very embarrassed about it. What a stud. I wish I could make this stuff up folks, but I’m telling you, this really happened.

A couple days later I still had a stiff neck & I passed by a massage place that I was pretty sure was one of those (Korean/Vietnamese?) “Rub n’ Tug” establishments. I decided to give it a go. I walked in & was greeted by a slightly confused looking Asian woman. She said they just had ‘a rush’ & it would be about 20 minutes. I said no problem, I would wait. I sat down in the small, kind of grubby front area. A moment later a tall, handsome black guy walked in & looked confused to see me sitting there. I smiled, knowing that he was there for an Asian girl to massage & jerk him off & he was confused to see a Caucasian woman. Another Asian woman came out & was confused to see us both & assumed we were there together. I laughed & said we weren’t together yet. It was a pleasure to see him squirm.

Eventually I was led down a narrow grubby hall into a dark room with a massage table. The linens all looked clean & there was soothing music playing. I disrobed & laid face down. A woman entered & I could tell she barely spoke English. The massage was fantastic! I had lower expectations because I thought they usually focused more on the “tug” then the “rub” but I was very satisfied. I kept wondering if I would get offered “other services” but I didn’t & I felt funny asking so I just enjoyed the massage.

Afterward, when I sat up & looked at her for the first time I was surprised to see a very young looking Asian woman, maybe early 20’s, very slender, no make up but pretty in a plain way. I wondered if this was typical of these places. It felt like I had been transported back to Vietnam or Thailand. A whole different micro culture within modern Vancouver.

When I paid the Madame I confirmed that if my male friends were interested in coming there for a massage it would be possible for them to get ‘other services’. I wanted to be sure it really was ‘that’ kind of establishment.

There are ethical issues around this. There are many massage parlors that do not treat their girls well. I only know a tiny bit about this situation. I know that this one has been around for a long time so my hope is that it is one of the better ones. For what it’s worth, I will go back…& I would recommend Tiffany at Hollywood North on Seymour for a quality massage.

My neck is feeling much better.

Mistress T

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