Life can be complicated sometimes, can’t it? Things are usually not all bad or all good. We can feel a range of emotions & even opposite feelings at the same time.
I was recently in Thailand, doing yoga, writing, taking a break from work and enjoying the heat. I had just traveled from one island to another to take a scuba diving course when I received a message about a death in my family in Nova Scotia.
It was evening. I had just arrived by ferry on a tiny island in Southern Thailand with a small bag, enough for a few days. The rest of my stuff was with my boyfriend on another island. I sat there reading the message, in shock, needing to suddenly be somewhere very far away and being powerless to get there. Someone very dear to me needed me, someone who would be very traumatized by this death.
I eventually gathered myself, spoke with family members and booked onward travel for the next morning, with a great deal of difficulty and expense. I would go straight from there with my flip flops and summer dresses, travel for a couple of days to get to snowy Nova Scotia. I didn’t know when I would see my boyfriend again and we’d been joined at the hip for months. It was a long, lonely journey.
Death is something that happens to all of us. It’s what surrounds it, the details or sorting things out afterward, the adjustment of life without that person that sometimes we don’t expect to be so difficult.
I said at the beginning that things are not all bad. In this case I have spent a couple wonderful weeks connecting with family in so many ways. It has been very emotional, mostly good. Pretty much all good actually. Who knew so much joy could come from death? It’s difficult to fully explain without giving away too many private family details but I’ll say that as a result of this death some of us have come together and connected deeply like never before. I’m very sad to be leaving soon to go back to Vancouver but excited to be reunited with my boyfriend (who is coming home early from Thailand too) and other friends. This is the reality for many people who decide to move away from their family. Over time you have one life in one place with people that you love and also in another. Always feeling torn between being happy where you are and longing for somewhere else.
So it goes.
I’ll be back in Vancouver soon but I have no plans to get back to work any time soon. (So requests for webcam, custom vids, sessions, film slave applications, etc. will continue to be deferred until April). I plan to write and do yoga as I was doing in Thailand but from home. A ‘staycation’. (Is that how you spell that?) I’ll take time to be kind to myself. I’ve already booked a day at the spa shortly after my return, using a gift certificate from a thoughtful fan. These selfless gifts from fans mean a lot. It makes me feel that some of you see me as a real person and not just an object.
Many of you left very sweet comments on my Twitter page when I tweeted about the death in my family and I saw the evidence of your support in my video sales that day. It’s not about the money really, it’s about proof that my fans care enough to buy a vid as a way of signalling they’re thinking of me. Thank you.
To anyone going through a hard time right now I invite you to look for the good and be grateful. Things are never all bad, there is always something to be grateful for.
Dearest Miss T…
i saddens me to hear that Youve lost someone very close to You.,
But i am also happy to hear You have a strong support to help You in this time of sorrow, fans and family.
I, myself, lose my father in sep 2015, so i know how You may feel, just know that family is strong even when it comes together in a time of sorrow.
so please take care of Yourself and Your family, dont forget about Your Boyfriend.
Yet another moving and thought provoking blog.
I am sorry for your loss, I am impressed by your words and your point of view. Thank you for making something positive out of this moment.
Working in aged care I am privileged to observe both pain and loss that death brings and also the healing it can bring to the loved ones left behind, and also to the one dying.
I am touched by post, especially your maintenance of privacy for your family, whilst able to convey to your readers the efforts you went to comfort that person very dear to you.
I wish you peace and healing. Thank you.
recently my grandmother died, in my case it was weird the mix fellings, i was sad but at the same time relieved, she spent a lot of time sick before she died, so i was happy that she was no longer suffering, at the funeral i get to see again a lot of family members and meet some new; it is contradictory but in some way death can make the family be more close and strong
i wish you the best in this hard time
Dear Mistress T,
Please accept my sincerest condolences, and I am so sorry to hear about Your sad news. It’s always a difficult time when someone passes away. I can empathise as I have experienced bereavement it all too many times. Take care & stay strong.
U r so lovely and i love u mistress.
Dear Mistress T,
Again a very nice blog post. As you know, less than a year ago I lost a very dear person in my family and I was far away from them when it happened, so I can imagine how you must have felt. The line “Always feeling torn between being happy where you are and longing for somewhere else” is soooo true. That’s been my life for the last 12 years.
I am happy to learn that something good for you and your family came out of the tragedy you went through. Give yourself some time to grieve, but keep enjoying life: it’s the best we can do.
My thoughts are with you.
Sorry for your loss.