Why this image for this blog post? No reason…I’m nude, exposed…it’s pretty. Whatever.
Judgement has been the topic of several of my blog posts & as much as I wish it would go away so I wouldn’t need to talk about it anymore, alas, that’s not reality.
I also like to talk about it because I know so many of my readers struggle with this too. Many have never told anyone about their fetishes or have had negative reactions after someone has found out.
Imagine making your fetishes your job & having your face all over the internet broadcasting how kinky you are. That’s the difficult path I’ve chosen. I love my work but there are trade-offs for living my life so out in the open.
The last few months I’ve been dabbling in online dating. I would love to have a significant other in my life. Lovers come & go. Some turn into wonderful friends. I’ve been blessed. Yet I still feel like my life would be enhanced by a very significant other. Of course my job & lifestyle are an obstacle but I know a lot of women in my industry who have found wonderful partners.
Most of my 1st dates have been fine. There just hasn’t been chemistry. Most guys I tell about my alter-ego say they don’t have a problem with it but I’m very aware that a lot of guys are just lonely & will say anything for some company. I tell them all right away what I do so that if it’s an issue we can just get that out of the way.
In the last week I went on a couple dates with two different guys who really seemed to have potential. Yet, the sting of judgement got me in two different & unique ways.
1. After a couple dates with the 1st potential Mr. Right he accidentally let it slip how disgusted he was with a particular sexual activity that just happened to be near the top of my list of favorite activities. (Don’t bother asking me what that is specifically. My sexuality is complex & part of it requires me to not tell the entire world EVERYTHING.) If he had just not been into it I could have let it go, but it was the judgement, the disgust of it that got me. As I tried to make my exit he back-peddled trying to say that maybe he could try it but the damage was done. Most of us fetishists would rather indulge our fetishes with someone who is also into it, not doing it ‘just’ for us.
2. Contestant #2 feared his teen daughter would get teased at school if her class mates found out her dad was dating a porn star. As I made my exit he seemed concerned that he had hurt my feelings. I laughed at that. My answer would have been too complex. I thought of his daughter finding out years later that her dad passed up a potentially wonderful relationship with a women for such a silly reason. She probably worries about how lonely her dad is & would be happy just to see him happy. I have some personal experience as the teen in this case but that’s a longer story. I didn’t bother saying any of that because the damage was already done. Deep down I felt there was judgement & narrow-mindedness on his part that he wasn’t being honest with himself about.
These were just two guys that I went on a couple of dates with. There was no emotional attachment, only the potential for one. In the long run I probably won’t even remember them. It’s the judgment that leaves a mark.
So if you’re reading this & thinking about your own personal experience being judged for being different, for having a fetish or kink, for wanting something out of the norm, know that you’re not alone. The world is FULL of deviants, perverts, fetishists, sinners, lovers of the alternative. I have many wonderful friends who don’t just accept me but celebrate all that I am.
If you’re reading this & you’re guilty of having judged someone, for shaming someone, for making someone feel broken for being aroused by something other than what arouses you: Do not judge others for sinning differently than you. Or: Judge not lest ye be judged. All of us ‘could’ easily be judged by someone for something. Sexual diversity should be celebrated.
Vive la différence!
Best,
Mistress T
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Love this post. I’ve ran into similar issues the past 6 years as well. Guys either have 1 of 2 responses to me generally: They either really like what I do and think I’m some super slut who will get down and dirty fast(without fully understanding what it is I do), or they pull the “Well I’m not a slave/submissive so don’t treat me like one, is that what you’re looking for?” line! Hope you find someone who looks past your job/life!
Thank you:-)
There is no easy way to comment on this. I do hope you are able to find the love of your life. However, we do need some morals. Could I date a woman who had been in jail? Depends on what the crime was. After all, my own mother was in jail for 18 months way back when. So now porn. When I was younger, I would have dated a softcore model, but not hardcore. Never had the opportunity to date either. That would be expanded now, but even though I expect a woman to have more experience than me, I don’t need to be reminded of how she got it. The other angle is that we have to protect ourselves, and you- read the earlier post about going to another man’s hotel room alone at midnight-so I would worry about you. If you are being honest about being in a relationship with your lifestyle, you have to be safer about it. Stick to videos, conventions, and dungeon type shows. No sessions.
Hope I wasn’t too hard on you. Good luck.
You weren’t ‘too hard on me’ but your comments don’t make me feel compelled to change my ways. They just remind me that I’m better off single than with someone who is going to tell me what to do & how to lead my life.
I’m not so pig-headed that I refuse to make some compromises in a relationship with the right person, but anyone who spoke to me like you have in your comment, that tone, wouldn’t make it past the 1st date with me!
I would thank you for the well-wishes but your ‘good luck’ was almost patronizing after your lecture & judgement disguised as well-meaning advice.
Dear Mistress T I admire your courage.Thankyou for all the lessons you
teach slaves like me. sissy slave ted
Slightly abstract answer but I work in a branch of the arts that involves a lot of travel, irregular hours, singular lifestyle, etc. The more I live and look around me, the more I see that many, if not a majority, of people in my environment are only compatible with others in the same or related fields…which possibly/probably also goes for those in the erotic world…
PS…what’s with this proving “WE ARE human” business. As someone who resigned from the human race many years ago, I now find I have to masquerade as ‘Homo Sapiens’ every time I post…now that’s what I call judgmental!!! 🙂
Dear Mistress T ,thankyou for not juging me ,thankyou sincerely yours sissy
slave ted
Let not be hypocrites. We are all judgmental. People have preferences. You have superficial preferences. I here you talk about how one race is better than another. That the size of someone cock is what important, as far as someone value. So let not be hypocritical. If someone doesn’t except because of what you do and you are having trouble finding someone, than that something you just have to deal with. Trust me as a man I have much harder than a women. Women are far more judgmental than men are. As an Asian man I won’t the option that white men get. Why? because someone is being judgmental about me. Asian are short, unattractive, small penis, nerdy ect. And I have to deal with this all the time. Trust me you don’t have feel so down because you don’t have Asian bad as you think. Believe me when I say you are far more judgmental towards other than other are towards you.
Dude, you’re totally right actually. I am a hypocrite. I do judge in certain situations. All I can do is strive to be even more open-minded.
I also understand that there are those who have it way harder than I do, including Asian men. I really shouldn’t complain…although my blog post was meant more as a way of letting fans know that I understand when they are judged. That I feel their pain because sometimes it happens to me too.
A note about my judgement on cock size…don’t take everything I say in that regard as 100% literal. Small penis humiliation (SPH) is a fetish & one that I cater to in my vids & also by pretty much constantly talking about how much I prefer big cocks. Also, big cocks just look better on film. There’s more real estate to work with for hand jobs & bigger cocks look better in my pussy for cuckolding scenes. I have in fact had fantastic sex with men who had cocks of different sizes.
I wish you the best Jason & thank you for your comment. xo
Mistress,
Yours may be one of the most honest posts i’ve seen on any ‘sex’ site. The difficulty with having fetishes, needs that society doesn’t want to like wanting, is finding ground to admit them and then finding acceptance for them.
Your professional life deals with intimate matters, and that seems to confuse what a person’s own private life needs. i’m in no position to clarify this, since i secretly run my blog and get gratification from it that no one (seemingly) in my ‘daily’ life would want to approach except as an aberration and something a therapist might deal with.
i look at you, i want what you offer — your imagination and a daring that oversteps the bounds of openly-accepted sexuality.
What you — and i, and others viewing — may be finding is that the imagination (and behavior) once it experiences the wildness, can’t (easily? at all?) be re-tamed.
Your beauty and intelligence come through. Your adventuresome nature also attracts. Now, you’ve added some vulnerability by lowering the mask a bit. And whatever fullness i (as an example) would offer a woman is partially offset by the barely coherent lust i feel generated by her. i, for one, would seem incapable of integrating the two drives — what are they? ‘Persons’?
i know what i feel, and i think you’re indicating something similar. What balance, you’re asking, is there between a publicized profession that demands something tantalizingly near an extreme, and a personality that needs something near the peace of — if not conformity — anonymity?
Mistress,
Yeah, Many of us don’t dare to live a fetish Lifestyle. We love it and search internet for it. And we also don’t want to expose to society because We afraid that they will laugh on us.
Wish you can get right partner who understand you and has the same interest.
Thank you:-)
i have known a few Dommes personally in my time.To me its always ironic that while the general public has so many pre-conceived notions about this,that and the other—the amount of skeletons in the closet is stunning sometimes.
People judge but its on *them* if they cant get past a lot of their ridiculous notions. A *good* Domme has so much going on all around ,and for her. Yet from both the “general public” as well as a “lifestyle” side– people need to realize that while all kinds of kinky,controlling,complex and in some cases like with you *amazing*….. that its pretty damn hard to be the Bitch with a whip 24/365 and that behind it all is someone that breathes the same air,eats the same food,has the same emotions as everyone else in the world.
Unfortunately it sucks that reality is that sometimes a lot of rocks need to be turned over to get past the riffraff and find someone that is *worthy* whether from a lifestyle standpoint..or just plain life.Worthy in 2 different contexts but end up meaning the same thing.
So all of that being said,chin up Mistress T….you will find the person thats right for you…when someone comes along that gets you for being you..and can see the *whole* picture…not just one of your 5 minute(wow btw;-) ) vids.
Thank you:-)
you are the sexiest mistress that I have ever seen would you be like to serve would be a dream come true would you me 7 days to picture
Dear Mistress T,
I’v been following your blog, vid-site and other appearances for quite some time and would like to use this moment to say that not many women go out there with that attitude.
I can back you on your experience though from the other end of the conversation and I think it is even harder for kinksters and fetishists to find a right match. From what I experienced so far is, that most men and women are too closeted up when it comes to listening to the other person. I am aware of that women are quite shocked when I tell them, that I do like to role play as a “girl” but does that make me less a man in other areas?
Please be yourself and stay that way.
yours
Lilly Leather
“Be yourself & stay that way.” Cheers to that m’dear. Thanks for the comment. Xo
if you’re ever visiting Austria, please let me know 🙂
I think you are wonderful and it is great for you to share the many things you do
sincerely yours sissy slave ted
T, I have never bought from you, followed you, or knew you existed until I ran across your blog; however, I found your content intriguing.
1. You’ll kiss quite a few frogs before you find your prince, and dating for ltr requires you to get a thick skin.. And yes, going on a date is about being judged… Too short, too tall, too quiet, talks too much, works too much, has no ambition, etc.. It’s a job interview for potentially the rest of your life. In your case, you have a tick box that requires a mate to not see ‘whore – unfaithful, embarrassing’, but rather a business that provides a means. (I’ve known in the past many dealers of ‘party favors’, try explaining that as one of the tick boxes on a date!).
2. You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Business is tough, so for you to succeed tells me you’ve spent many hours perfecting your brand, image, reinventing yourself. That is the true you.
3. ‘If you want your moment in the sun, sometimes you have to put up with a few burns’. (Forgot source)
4. I do have a fetish.
You’re beautiful (lovely photo) and you are courageous and, most of all, you have very good grammar! Trifecta!
I don’t normally comment on blogs but this one is different. I’m only 22 but I know how you’re feeling. Where I’m from you get judged for every little thing and I hate it so much how people can just be open about anything.
I don’t think I’ve ever judged anyone. I do recognize that people have different values than I have though. And I do realize that values can change over time. But I’ve been the one who has been judged, Mistress T. My perversions and lifestyle were extreme and very few people understood them, but a few did. All I can say is that being judged is understandable and it can hurt. The most hurtful comments are the subtle ones too. Someone once told me he’d “never pay for pussy.” That was in response to me revealing my secrets. It hurts. And the truth is…its supposed to hurt. We’re human. I would be very concerned when it stops hurting. Sorry I can’t provide words of wisdom. Sometimes we just have to feel the feelings.
Most Excellent Mistress T
I think it is interesting that you reveal your interest in finding a “very significant other” so soon after your photo shoot with your black bull. It appeared to me that you liked that guy and that your love making went beyond a photo shoot with a handsome and able stud. It looked to me like the kissing was as deeply felt as the fucking.
The issue of “being judged”, what is going on with that? It seems to me that we all judge all of the time. For example, in an instant you judged candidate #1 out because he expressed disgust over a particular fetish. I imagine that your response was not a matter of his words alone but also of seeing his expression and perhaps hearing his tone as well … the damage was done, the judgment delivered, not to be undone, ever. One does judge, one must judge, it is the act of navigation.
Every living thing judges every instant, even the minnows in a pond, so what are we talking about. The issue, it seems to me is the bias of the mind that responds to a situation. The point I am making is that judgment does not issue from reflection it issues from the current state of a mind as conditioned by previous experience. One can change the state of one’s mind by reflection and meditation, or be changed by experience but in the instant, you respond as the person you are.
Overall what I am saying is that it is as pointless to wish not to be judged as to wish that one was not judgmental … they are, we are, they will be, we will be. The only thing, it seems to me, that one has a choice about is developing good judgment. That is not easy, a lifelong pursuit.
Concerning the judgment of others, two things, first, they are who they are and they judge as they judge, that will not change in the short term, avoid them if possible, and if one can’t … i.e family that you love, well, you forebear if possible and hope they remember why they love you too.
BUT, second, consider the basis of the other peoples judgment, in some cases they may have a point, for example maybe one is being selfish in some fashion and don’t realize the full consequences of one’s actions.
I was given pause in my judgment of honor killings in certain countries when I realized for instance, that if a young man or woman does something dishonorable, the whole family suffers … other families will not allow younger siblings to marry into their families, other people will stop doing business with yours … customers, banks, employers. The honor killing becomes an act of triage, cut off the arm to save the body. What a blessing to live in a modern society with its education and diverse cultures.
In that light Mistress T I do sympathize with the guy who declined because he has a young daughter. Like it or not, parents are both roles models, and sources of pride or shame. Like it or not kids are cruel and other kids parents are protective. With you as a step mother Mistress T, his daughter would be subject to ridicule and would be shunned by some … and what would you and he need to put up with from other parents, and from his family who would also question your influence? Of course you could protect yourself, but that man’s daughter … unless she was as tough as you ( and how likely is that) she would be hen-pecked and de-feathered by both the girls and boys.
I do not question that you would be a good mother, that you are a good person but you are not the only good mother, good woman. I imagine that that man, who was capable or attracting YOU, can attract another. I do not say that to be cruel I came to the same realization about myself when pondering my own baggage and relationship difficulties.
I suspect that you will find somebody, perhaps somebody within the art community where unconventional people support one another and make judgment more on character then lifestyle.
Thank you for your great honesty, it is valuable to realize that behind the mask and persona which I so respond to, is a human face and soul.
Dear mistress is a terrible thing event ted
If I wasn’t married and in love with my wife, I would love to take you out for a gooood time. but I love my wife, she’s my best friend and lover and I get some great ideas from you on spicing up our love life. Let’s just keep it our little secret. I wish you well on your search.