Do I look like I suffer fools lightly?
I’ve been dabbling in online dating recently. If you’ve had any experience with this you know just how crazy it can be. I know they say more & more people are finding love on the internet these days but if anything the process makes me want to stay single.
I have received hundreds of messages in the last couple of weeks. I’ve met with nine guys (I think?). Most nice but boring. One might have been a sociopath. One I kind of knew already but online dating actually brought us together (by that I mean that I have now shagged him a couple of times. Even though I’m on there looking for a relationship & he’s not relationship material. He’s hot. So shoot me.)
I met someone interesting today & have a couple other potentials. We’ll see.
I get a lot crap on there though. My goodness. It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. My biggest complaint is just plain stupidity. Lots of poorly written profiles (bad spelling, bad grammar, bad punctuation, etc.) Lots of horrible photo’s…grainy or really far away…drunk pics, more pics of their dog than of them, etc.
I thought I would share a few of the more entertaining messages I’ve received:
“I just got in from Playa Del Carman on Fri. and had a great time, caught two Barricuda with a local charter there.”
This was his opening message to me (nothing in my profile indicates I have any interest in fishing).
“hey how are you? A quick question for you. How long do you think it will take you to make someone fall for you? and tell you a few secrets about his work? These secrets will then benefit me, and eventually save mine and my co-workers job. And would you be willing to do that for 5 grand? and could you do it in a month?”
I didn’t message him back as clearly he’s insane.
“im taurus as well. i just wanna come over…adn bend u over :-)”
If he were any other sign no way but since he’s a Taurus come on over hot pants (not).
“Great photos.You have nice furniture.I won’t waste my time.Im not your type.I don’t have a thick cock.I guess I wouldn’t need it anyway.Id be to busy eating your pussy and jerking on your face.”
*Retch* If I had bad furniture would I still be worthy of his pencil-dicked facial?
“wow you are a goddess of sensuality , i would love to dress you in a erotic kamastura saree”
From a very unattractive Indian fellow.
“Hi how are you ,I love your profile ,especially your height ,I adore the fact your only 5 ft 0 . IM really into giving my partner oral sex if I find them attractive and petite ,that is a huge magnet for me ,and you my dear I would be dining at the Y for weeks yum yum,I actually have never found taller woman attractive even though I am 6 ft 2. I read your profile ,for sure I think you are a match”
This one sounds like an idiot but certainly knows what he likes (& doesn’t).
“Hey………….I dont know why you keep appearing in my search!!!!
I will never go to Thiland…………….they sell their female kids!!!! for as little $100 US…………..
Shall we meet for coffee?
I dont know if we will ever connect!”
Good to know he’s not a pedo or into human trafficking right off the bat *rolling eyes*.
“HI I,M A FUN GUY SUPER CREATIVE, I,M NOT YOUR TYPE, I WAS THINKING IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA , I,M A DESIGNER INVENTOR ,WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN TALKING ON THE PHONE ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ARTISY CREATIVE 4 A PHOTO SHOOT ,YOU WOULD BE PERFACT 4 SAY HAVING ME USE YOUR BODY FOR A CANVAS, I AM VERY SERIOUS I HAVE BEEN DOING MY ART DESIGNS 4 *YRS NOW, I,M *** I LIVE IN *** HERES ONE OF MY DESIGNS , PS I LOVE TO GIVE MASSAGES LOL”
I’ve removed a bit of potentially identifying info from this one…by the way, he was fugly & the thought of his hands on me made me throw up in my mouth a little.
“I’m very curious about you I’m currently a welder but I’m just using that to fund my own business until it takes off and I’m sure it will I won’t talk business because if you tell everyone your business before long its no longer your business its there’s I will say this its about high end cars trucks ex. I know where I can by for cheep and then its just the matter of a buyer anyways no I’m not into sports I do enjoy travel but at the moment I have no time I’m currently building my empire I am a direct blood line to *** *** (*** ***r and *** ***) I work 80 + hours a week when I can get it I try to live a healthy life I’m determined and have high potential I’m told I have high morals and ethics I have no time to waste life is short and I want to do everything I can with my life I find you very attractive I read your profile and can relate I find you interesting what is your line of work exactly I know your self employed but what exactly is your business”
7 minutes after his first message (above):
“By the way u look amazing really quite flustering in a good way I’m not exactly loaded but I do pretty good for myself its on you”
Yeah, fuck punctuation! Who needs it? He’s building an empire. Periods & comma’s are for sukka’s!
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Do you specifically say you’re looking for thick cocks in your profile? That is great.
Good catch! Yes, I list ‘thick cocks’ in my list of interests, along with “The Daily Show”, “Healthy Eating”, “Yoga”, etc. I am VERY interested in THICK cocks:-)
I found a very effective way on eliminating the idiots. That is, in a profile I was looking at, if there is ANY picture of you with a beer in your hand getting drunk with your friends, you are off the list. That profile was dismissed without prejudice. When I was online, I found lots of women who got married and had kids right out of high school. They were now in their 30’s and divorced and making up for lost time. I got all my partying out when you are supposed to, in your teens and 20’s and I’m now past that. I’m not interested in reliving my teen years with a 30 year old woman who now thinks she’s 18 again. Another thing I found interesting is that in several of my profiles, I put that I was looking for a girl like Dharma (from the TV show Dharma & Greg). You’d be amazed at how many 300 lb women thought they were Dharma! I could go on and on about my experiences with online dating, but I’ll leave you with this. Be VERY careful. It’s easy for psychopaths to hide themselves online. If you have the slightest inkling that something ain’t right, it ain’t. Get the hell out of the situation as soon and as quickly as possible. And good luck. 😉
Re: photo’s with drinks in their hands. At first I also disregarded anyone with pics of themselves drinking but then loosened that a bit as I realize most people don’t have very many flattering pics of themselves. When does the camera come out? When people are celebrating. They are dolled up a bit, loosened up with a drink & ready to smile for the camera to capture the moment. It’s still a detractor for me but not an automatic fail.
Re: psychopaths. I hear you on that & I am very cautious. I’ve got pretty good street smarts & well-honed intuition after being a Pro Domme for years.
Thanks for the feedback & well wishes! xo
i recently tried some online dating websites (okcupid, pof, and match) and i must say it seems for every decent guy who tries to send a nice message there’s 20 idiots who ruin it for us by sending these kind. It must be tough for a girl to filter out so many to find a few quality ones i’m sure.
Filtering is what it’s all about…but I will say I have had way more nice messages than otherwise. Sure, a lot of guys seem stupid but nice. A lot of guys also seem smart & nice but are ugly as sin/seem painfully boring or have other fatal flaws (sports fanatics, live too far away, etc.)
I chose the most entertaining messages for my blog entry. This is only a few out of hundreds of messages received.
Alright, I’ve gotta ask: what constitues “thick” for you? I suspect you have more data points for interpolation and extrapolation than many other bloggers.
Yup, I had a feeling this venture of your’s into online dating would prove somewhat entertaining for us, if not necessarily for you…likewise your upcoming, swinging Xmas could also turn out to be a rich store of unorthodox and eyebrow-raising material…
But if you’re going to pull them up on punctuation parade, Mistress T, you’re going to have to drop the ‘text speak’ habit of adding an inappropriate comma to plurals like comma’s, sukka’s (sic), etc, etc…
Jack the Pedant.
Re: My imperfect writing & criticizing others…it’s like driving. Anyone who drives slower than you is a geezer & a pain in the ass. Anyone who drives faster than you is reckless & an idiot.
So, anyone who criticizes my punctuation is a pain in the ass (although I do seek to improve) & anyone who makes more mistakes than me is an idiot *smile*.
xo
Excellent riposte, Mistress T!…I’ll be committing this one to memory to deal with the all-too-frequent gremlins that afflict my own daily existence… ..
Those are apostrophes, not commas 😉
Hehehe, brilliant, Miss Ceara. 🙂
Uh-oh, there goes my punctuational credibility, Ms Lynch…so much for my role as a grammatical gunslinger… 🙂
very stupids men
Ha! Well illustrated:-)
Erm… The dude who works 80+ hrs when he gets it? I almost would want to see how he would do that and have any chance of dating? Omg I started to cry a bit from laughter at the bloodline bit. Yeah… Good for him. At least you’re keeping your sense of humour :))
I always have a sense of humor. Life is a comedy:-)
As much as being married isn’t erotic and exciting like I might wish it were, reading what you’re going through in the single scene makes me thankful not to be sifting through moron profiles like some of these winners who have been contacting you. You deserve much better Mistress. Good luck!
The grass is always greener my friend (& I am looking for a relationship so I too am victim of this)…although sometimes I spend time with friends who complain about their relationships & I feel grateful for being single & free/drama-free. There are pro’s & con’s to both!
Very true Mistress. We inherently want what we don’t have and undervalue what we do have. I wish you luck in your search. Having met you you have a lot to offer any man lucky enough to “settle down” with you.
I’d always thought the basics of online dating were simple enough and it would be getting beyond that first message and standing out enough to get a reply that would be the hard part.
It looks like there are quite a few who don’t manage even that part very well.
Publishing these examples is practically a public service (as well as being pretty funny).
1) I’m afraid I’m too over-cautious to resort to web dating. It may sound funny when I have quite some experience contacting dommes via web, but well, a date is not a session. At least, it shouldn’t be. 😉 However, several female friends have tried it: they were enthusiastic in the beginning, but after the 4th guy they were so fed up that they quit web dating for ever. Kind of confirms my idea of how reliable this world is.
2) About this guy who wants to build an empire: can he build an empire when he cannot even build a sentence with correct syntax? Well, he may, but then the outcome of his empire might well be the same as of his sentence: it sucks.
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