Do I look like I suffer fools lightly?
I’ve been dabbling in online dating recently. If you’ve had any experience with this you know just how crazy it can be. I know they say more & more people are finding love on the internet these days but if anything the process makes me want to stay single.
I have received hundreds of messages in the last couple of weeks. I’ve met with nine guys (I think?). Most nice but boring. One might have been a sociopath. One I kind of knew already but online dating actually brought us together (by that I mean that I have now shagged him a couple of times. Even though I’m on there looking for a relationship & he’s not relationship material. He’s hot. So shoot me.)
I met someone interesting today & have a couple other potentials. We’ll see.
I get a lot crap on there though. My goodness. It’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack. My biggest complaint is just plain stupidity. Lots of poorly written profiles (bad spelling, bad grammar, bad punctuation, etc.) Lots of horrible photo’s…grainy or really far away…drunk pics, more pics of their dog than of them, etc.
I thought I would share a few of the more entertaining messages I’ve received:
“I just got in from Playa Del Carman on Fri. and had a great time, caught two Barricuda with a local charter there.”
This was his opening message to me (nothing in my profile indicates I have any interest in fishing).
“hey how are you? A quick question for you. How long do you think it will take you to make someone fall for you? and tell you a few secrets about his work? These secrets will then benefit me, and eventually save mine and my co-workers job. And would you be willing to do that for 5 grand? and could you do it in a month?”
I didn’t message him back as clearly he’s insane.
“im taurus as well. i just wanna come over…adn bend u over :-)”
If he were any other sign no way but since he’s a Taurus come on over hot pants (not).
“Great photos.You have nice furniture.I won’t waste my time.Im not your type.I don’t have a thick cock.I guess I wouldn’t need it anyway.Id be to busy eating your pussy and jerking on your face.”
*Retch* If I had bad furniture would I still be worthy of his pencil-dicked facial?
“wow you are a goddess of sensuality , i would love to dress you in a erotic kamastura saree”
From a very unattractive Indian fellow.
“Hi how are you ,I love your profile ,especially your height ,I adore the fact your only 5 ft 0 . IM really into giving my partner oral sex if I find them attractive and petite ,that is a huge magnet for me ,and you my dear I would be dining at the Y for weeks yum yum,I actually have never found taller woman attractive even though I am 6 ft 2. I read your profile ,for sure I think you are a match”
This one sounds like an idiot but certainly knows what he likes (& doesn’t).
“Hey………….I dont know why you keep appearing in my search!!!!
I will never go to Thiland…………….they sell their female kids!!!! for as little $100 US…………..
Shall we meet for coffee?
I dont know if we will ever connect!”
Good to know he’s not a pedo or into human trafficking right off the bat *rolling eyes*.
“HI I,M A FUN GUY SUPER CREATIVE, I,M NOT YOUR TYPE, I WAS THINKING IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA , I,M A DESIGNER INVENTOR ,WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN TALKING ON THE PHONE ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ARTISY CREATIVE 4 A PHOTO SHOOT ,YOU WOULD BE PERFACT 4 SAY HAVING ME USE YOUR BODY FOR A CANVAS, I AM VERY SERIOUS I HAVE BEEN DOING MY ART DESIGNS 4 *YRS NOW, I,M *** I LIVE IN *** HERES ONE OF MY DESIGNS , PS I LOVE TO GIVE MASSAGES LOL”
I’ve removed a bit of potentially identifying info from this one…by the way, he was fugly & the thought of his hands on me made me throw up in my mouth a little.
“I’m very curious about you I’m currently a welder but I’m just using that to fund my own business until it takes off and I’m sure it will I won’t talk business because if you tell everyone your business before long its no longer your business its there’s I will say this its about high end cars trucks ex. I know where I can by for cheep and then its just the matter of a buyer anyways no I’m not into sports I do enjoy travel but at the moment I have no time I’m currently building my empire I am a direct blood line to *** *** (*** ***r and *** ***) I work 80 + hours a week when I can get it I try to live a healthy life I’m determined and have high potential I’m told I have high morals and ethics I have no time to waste life is short and I want to do everything I can with my life I find you very attractive I read your profile and can relate I find you interesting what is your line of work exactly I know your self employed but what exactly is your business”
7 minutes after his first message (above):
“By the way u look amazing really quite flustering in a good way I’m not exactly loaded but I do pretty good for myself its on you”
Yeah, fuck punctuation! Who needs it? He’s building an empire. Periods & comma’s are for sukka’s!
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