Tag Archives: stigma

Hailey Heartless’s Speech on Sex Work & Stigma

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I’m going to ask you to do some reading today. I know attention spans are short & if you don’t have time to read the whole thing now please come back to it & finish it.

No matter what you think of The Women’s March, Donald Trump, #MeToo, #TimesUp, Feminism or sex work, if you read this powerful speech with an open mind I’m confident you’ll come away with something to think about. And if it makes you think differently about something I encourage you to have the courage to pass it along to others. To talk about it.

Hailey Heartless is a Vancouver based whip smart activist, sex worker & so much more. You can find more of her via twitter: https://twitter.com/SadistHailey

& her website: https://www.haileyheartless.com

These are her speaking notes from March On Vancouver yesterday: https://medium.com/@SadistHailey/march-on-vancouver-2018-f7e57e6c1785

View story at Medium.com

 

Mistress T

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Sex Workers: Now Available In Human Form!

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screen-shot-2017-04-09-at-9-32-21-am

I just read this great article “What It’s Like To Be A Mom & A Sex Worker”:

https://www.romper.com/p/what-its-like-to-be-a-mom-a-sex-worker-48312

I wanted to share it as a nod to the women I know in the industry who are mom’s & I really wanted men to read it as yet another way to humanize sex workers.

I write often in my blog about the objectification of women & how important it is to educate & remind people that sex workers are multi-dimensional beings with lives outside of sex work, with hopes & fears, dreams & disappointments, quirks, families, friends, hobbies, feelings, etc. Yup, even that ‘cum-dumpster’ you just jerked off to who took a load of cum on her face while getting fucked in the ass…has a whole life outside of your fantasy. Maybe she volunteers at a soup kitchen or animal shelter, maybe she has kids or an aging parent she takes care of, maybe she teaches yoga, maybe she plays the same video games you do, maybe she bakes the best cookies or fixes up old cars. Sure, maybe she’s dealing with childhood trauma & struggles with addiction or has suicidal thoughts….but ya know what? So do a lot of lawyers, accountants, teachers, mechanics, real estate agents… My point is that sex workers are just people, a slice of the population, like you & the folks around you.

The last paragraph of the article gave me hope & maybe my blog post will contribute to the future this woman sees coming:

“I support anyone’s choice to choose the life that suits them best. It’s hard yet rewarding work to provide nurturing love and companionship to people, whether it’s to my growing daughter or to my grateful clients, and I’m happy to do so. Thankfully, the stigma that sucks joy from my work is slowly dissipating, as people become more progressive and enlightened about their world. And if, in the future, my daughter wants to become a stripper, porn performer, cam-girl, dominatrix, or whatever, I hope she performs just like her mama — with poise, confidence, and a smile.”

Stigma. That word. I’m really sick of it to be honest. Thankfully I mostly don’t care what people think about me in that regard, but on the list of downsides of this occupation “stigma” is the top of the list. The more the world hears & sees sex workers when they’re not doing sex work the more informed people become & the more we can reduce stigma. It’s not easy tho & most don’t want to expose themselves. Most of the women I know in the industry who have kids are careful to hide the fact they have kids from their clients & they are even more careful to keep those who know they have kids from finding out about their profession. The 2 things don’t mix well…but I’ll pull the curtain back & tell you that there’s a hell of a lot of women in the industry who have kids & there’s a hell of a lot of mom’s that are doing sex work. Sex workers who are parents could be excellent secret agents, living double lives, telling lies & keeping secrets. I hope some day it all doesn’t have to be like that.

SIDE NOTE: Unrelated to this article I highly recommend the Netflix series (or book it was based on) “13 Reasons Why”: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/13_Reasons_Why 

It explores some really tough topics that young adults struggle with: bullying, suicide, consent/rape, objectification & how to support young people who are struggling with some of these issues. So although this is particularly pertinent for young adults or the parents of young adults I think anyone would get a lot out of this. Especially the parts about objectifying women in small ways that add up to a bigger problem. It’s easy to think that one comment or incident is no big deal but seeing over the series how little things accumulated…I won’t ruin it for you, but I hope this series becomes required watching & is discussed in classrooms. People need to understand the consequences of their actions, men in particular in this regard (sexual objectification of women) & women need to learn how to better advocate for themselves.

Be kind to yourselves & to each other.

xo

Mistress T

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No shame.

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Mistresst.net my body my choice

Some misguided critter recently tried to shame or insult me by calling me an escort. I would have been more insulted if they had accused me of being the kind of person who would try to shame someone for being an escort.

Over the last 12 years I have been a stripper, a Professional Dominatrix, a cam girl, an escort & fetish model/performer/porn star. I’ve done phone sex, I’ve done my version of a peep show or voyeur show, masturbated for money, done girl-girl shows, sold cuckolding sessions where a guy paid to lick another man’s cum from my pussy, I’ve spat my boyfriends cum into a guy’s mouth for $1000, I’ve had sex for money, I’ve done shows & lap dances at bachelor parties, I’ve done topless poker dealing, topless bartending & sold tequila shooters naked on a clothing optional beach…I’m sure I missed a few things I’ve done for money using my body & sexuality….but you get the idea.

And I’m not ashamed of any of it.

It’s my body, my life, my choices.

I decide from one day to the next what I feel comfortable doing with my body. It has evolved over the years, but I regret nothing & have no hesitation in asserting my boundaries, whatever they are that day.

I do not buy into the BS hierarchy of adult industry workers. Strippers thinking they’re better than escorts because they don’t have sex with their customers, FinDom’s or non-nude fetish models thinking they’re better than those who get naked, phone sex or cam girls thinking they’re better than others for whatever reasons. Sometimes ladies in this industry can be pretty judgey considering how harshly we’re all judged by people in the vanilla world. Some lump us all together & at best they think some kinds of work are at least not ‘as bad’ as others. Even if we’re accepted & supported by our loved ones in our choices, no one prays that their little girl will grow up to be a sex worker & most won’t brag about it. The whole adult industry is stigmatized.

Women have been using their bodies & sexuality to make money for a very long time in a lot of different ways, not just in adult work. Some do it because they want to & they like it, they find it empowering, some do it for money, sometimes both. It does nothing to benefit anyone to try to shame women for it. If most men could do it they would & I doubt they would have any shame about it.

What people choose to do for work does not define who they are or all that they are. Women in the adult industry are also mothers, daughter, sisters, friends, animal lovers, Trekkies, gamers, teachers, foodies, therapists, painters, swimmers, pilots, volunteers, writers, sports fans, musicians, travelers, gamblers, sexual assault survivors, recovering alcoholics..they might be struggling with mental illness, mourning the death of a loved one, be fighting a legal battle with an ex, be caring for an elderly family member, be dealing with PTSD, be studying to get a new job outside of the industry, be working toward a personal goal or be helping someone else to get in or out of the industry…I could go on & on because every woman doing adult work has a story, a unique personality & a life beyond her job.

So, keep this in mind the next time you find yourself or hear someone else judging, objectifying or shaming a person in the adult industry.

Shamelessly,

Mistress T

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Did I anticipate the perceptions?

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How am I perceived?

How am I perceived?

I was lovingly asked recently: “How did you expect to be perceived by people before you got into this business?”. He asked the question because I often mention my frustration with stigma & judgement. How there are times when I lie about what I do to avoid that judgement, etc.

I thought about it for a moment before responding with the cliche statements of: “I didn’t really choose this work, it kind of chose me, so there wasn’t a lot of advance thought about other people’s perceptions.” Which is only partly true because my path to this work was not a straight line.

I first chose to moonlight from my vanilla job & sell tequila shooters naked on a hippie beach. I was not judged there, I was celebrated, supported & loved.

I was comfortable in my own skin...on a nude beach I felt at home.

I was comfortable in my own skin…on a nude beach I felt at home.

I then chose to try stripping but I was certainly aware of the stigmas attached to that profession. I wore a disguise, kept it secret & only did it briefly before going back to vanilla work again. I loved being a private dancer in a strip club. I did no-contact private dancing (so not lap dancing) & my sales experience helped me to be an effective hustler, selling guys dances. It was profitable & I was good at it but I felt like I was “too good” for it. Even I judged me!

I eventually went back to stripping after being miserable in my vanilla job. That led to creating my version of a voyeur show or peep show at home. Guys would come over & pay me to masturbate & talk dirty while they jerked off sitting on a chair by the bed, no touching allowed.

I loved the exhibitionism, the naughtiness & of course, the money. But I didn’t like the stigma. There wasn’t much difference between what I was doing & full-on escorting. I just wasn’t actually having intercourse or oral/manual sex…but it was similar enough I didn’t tell just anyone & when I did I was careful to make the distinction between what I was doing & “full service” prostitution. I magnified that fine line.

So during those career decisions, yes, I was fully aware of what people’s perception would be. But I was running from misery working in the vanilla world, office politics, the soul-sucking or mind-numbing reality of working for boring or stupid people & climbing the corporate ladder. I was a corporate whore in the vanilla world.

Climbing the corporate ladder was a soul-sucking experience for me.

Then Pro Domme work found me. I didn’t set out to be a Dominatrix. Certain clients saw it in me & requested kink & fetish activities. I indulged & eventually I started to get positively reviewed on forums as a Dominatrix & I grew into the role. Video work found me soon after. The rest is history. (That’s the Readers Digest version for this blog post, if you’ve read my blog from the beginning you know the long version of the story.)

In the beginning...I hid my face in my ads.

In the beginning…I hid my face in my ads.

If I had a thought in the early days it was that being a Dominatrix was more respectable than being a stripper or prostitute. It was cooler, intimidating , edgier. I felt bad ass. Nearly 10 years later I laugh at the “baby Domme” version of me. I have seen this ego trip many times with new Dommes. Every day I see different women in the adult business snubbing their nose at women who do different types of adult work. I’ve heard:

“I only do cam work, so I’m better than those dirty sluts who actually meet & touch those gross guys.”

and/or:

“I’m a REAL Dominatrix who does real time sessions so I’m better than those fake girls who only do cam.”

I could go on & on, cam girls snub porn girls, escorts snub Dominatrix’s, stage dancers snub private dancers, phone sex girls snub cam girls, rub n’ tug girls snub escorts, Pro Dommes who don’t get naked snub those who do, etc. There’s a lot of support & camaraderie in the adult industry but there’s a fair share of cattiness too. A certain amount of stigma & judgement within our own industry!

I love what I do. Truly. Although I feel like this work found me I did make many small & big decisions before & since to put me on & keep me on this path. I haven’t loved the stigma. I’ve been evicted once (before I understood what my rights are) & had neighbors in another place attempt to get me evicted. I’ve had guys choose to not get into a relationship with me because of what I do. There’s certainly been a fair bit of whispering & gossip behind my back.

mindblowing_handjob2

I have a lot of fun “at work”.

At the end of the day we live our lives for ourselves. We make decisions that serve us. If you try to please other people all the time you will fail.

All jobs have good & bad. I happen to have a job that I truly love but other people sometimes judge me for doing. A lot of people with “respectable” jobs hate going to work every day.  If I could go back 15 years & tell my younger self working in vanilla jobs I hated anything it would be to fearlessly go in the direction that instinctively felt right for me & ignore other people’s opinions.

That’s that advice I give myself every day now.

Cheers,

Mistress T

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