At yoga practice last week the teacher partnered us up to work on hand stands. I was paired with a very timid girl who was too scared to flail herself upside down against the wall into the hand stand position. Although I’m not good enough to do it without wall support yet, I have no hesitation doing a hand stand against the wall. I know that no matter how badly I fuck up, I’m not going to hurt myself. My feet will hit the wall, but I couldn’t possibly do it hard enough to cause any damage.
I demonstrated this several times for the timid girl and explained that she couldn’t hurt herself if she tried, she just had to assertively throw herself against the wall. Easy!
She couldn’t do it. Too scared.
It got me thinking about fear and perception of danger.
It reminded me of a conversation I recently had with a girlfriend. When I told her I was being flown to New York for a date of sorts her first response was: “oh, be careful!” This really rubbed me the wrong way…I suppose it’s my knee-jerk reaction to authority or Mothering. I launched into a bit of a rant asking her what exactly she thought I needed to be careful of? Rape? Murder? White slavery? Getting my heart broken? It was my safety she was worried about which frankly was pretty much the last thing I was concerned about. The idea that a man would fly me across the country to hurt me? Especially after proving his own identity (so he’s not even anonymous). And ME? Ha! I’m not exactly an easy target if you’re looking for a victim. I may be petite but I would not go quietly into that good night, I assure you.
I’m asked once in awhile if I worry about my safety seeing clients for private sessions….new film slaves, etc. The answer is that I’m no more concerned than I am of any random act of violence, a random car accident, an earth quake, etc. Shit happens in life. We do the best we can. I screen clients, I keep my wits about me when I’m walking alone at night, I wear a seat belt…beyond that, I live my life. More people in this world would rather hug you than hurt you. Love more, fear less. (Those last two lines come from the brilliant Halcyon who I know personally from Burning Man: http://hugnation.com/ )
I have seen literally hundreds of clients over the years. Of all those strangers and opportunities for something to go wrong I’ve only had one incident. It was with a client I had seen twice before without any problems. On the third visit I was training a new Domme, so I wasn’t even alone. In the middle of the session, without warning, he jumped up and grabbed me. He pushed me against the wall aggressively and the other Domme shouted at him. He immediately let go and ran down the hall and hid in the bathroom. I told him to leave which he did quietly.
I was shaken…mostly because I didn’t see it coming. It was simply random and at the end of the day I understood that. Shit happens. A nutter could have randomly attacked me in a grocery store.
Fearlessness doesn’t come from an absence of danger. It comes from surviving. After surviving all the crazy stuff that has happened so far in my life I have faith that I can handle myself in most situations. If shit does happen, I’ll be able to deal with it.
Fearlessness is also about a calculated risk. Ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen? Then ask yourself what’s the BEST thing that can happen?
My biggest fear is NOT ‘living’ my life. I don’t want to regret NOT doing something. The Mae West quote I live by: “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
So, I’ll boldly flail myself against a wall and I’ll happily go to NY for a date with a stranger. *smile*
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