I was just reading “Choke” by Chuck Palahniuk (Author of Fight Club, which happens to be my favorite movie next to Pulp Fiction).
I wanted to share a bit with you…then I’ll share some personal thoughts:
Start excerpt from Choke: “The point was, it’s not the sex part of pornography that hooked the stupid little boy. It was the confidence. The courage. The complete lack of shame. The comfort and genuine honesty. The up-front-ness of being able to just stand there and tell the world: Yeah, this is how I spend a free afternoon. Posing here with a monkey putting chestnuts up my ass.
And I really don’t care how I look. Or what you think.
So deal with it.
He was assaulting the world by assaulting himself.
And even if the guy wasn’t loving every moment, the ability to smile, to fake your way through this, that would be even more admirable.
The same way every porno movie implies a score of people standing just off camera, knitting, eating sandwiches, looking at their wrist watches, while other people do naked sex only a few feet away…
To the stupid little boy, that was enlightenment. To be that comfortable and confident in the world, that would be Nirvana.
“Freedom” isn’t the right word, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.
That’s the kind of pride and self-assurance the little boy wanted to have. Someday.
If it was him in those pictures with the monkey, he could look at them every day and think: If I could do this, I could do anything. No matter what else you came up against, if you could smile and laugh while a monkey did you with chestnuts in a dank concrete basement and somebody took pictures, well, any other situation would be a piece of cake.” ~End excerpt from Choke.
MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS on ‘confidence’ and how making porn prepares you for anything:
I’ve done some crazy stuff in front of a camera. There have been a lot of moments where the comedy of the whole thing seemed to outweigh the sexiness. MANY times. Like when I fucked myself with a tiny plastic man pretending he was a real mini man and I was using him as a human dildo. Like when I ate a hamburger with my mouth open showing me chewing and swallowing, pretending this was a man I turned into food who could still feel everything I was doing to him. Like when I jerked off a guy into a funnel going into a slaves mouth…really, who would do that in real life?!
I could give many more examples. My whole business model is based on doing the obscure, the ‘niche’ and doing it in a believable way so the guy who has this kink can do what he needs to do: have an orgasm.
I receive tons, I mean TONS of emails of gratitude for the fucked up shit that I do. It means a lot to some people. I enjoy the variety and creativity but the humor is not lost on me. I do not laugh at those who have these fetishes, we can’t help the way we’re hard-wired, but I do laugh at myself. To stand back and watch me flirting up a storm with my video camera, you would think that I have a camera fetish!
Obviously it takes a lot of confidence to start doing what I do. You can’t have a thin skin because there will be critics and petty, catty, jealous people who will try to tear you down to make themselves feel better. One must remember that there will always be someone out there better than you (and someone worse!) but at the end of the day you’re only in a race against yourself.
There certainly is a “If I can do this, I can do anything” attitude that comes after being successful in this business. After exposing yourself, spreading your ass cheeks for an HD close up of your asshole and any other body part you’re not real sure looks good enough to be seen in that light. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves and HD video is unforgiving. Aging in front of the camera is a whole other can of worms, but I’m doing it anyway because I’m as addicted to this business as many of you are addicted to me. We’re in this together. I die-hard exhibitionist needs her audience, her creative outlet, the dirty thrill of being a pornographer.