Bali-Hippie Breathwork Stuff

This blog entry is dedicated to the ‘breathwork’ that I did at the hippie retreat in Ubud, Bali.

Wikipedia explanation: Breathwork refers to many forms of conscious alteration of breathing, such as connecting the inhale and exhale, or energetically charging and discharging, when used within psychotherapy or meditation. Proponents believe breathwork technique may be used to attain alternate states of consciousness, and that sustained practice of techniques may result in spiritual or psychological benefits. Breathwork may also relate to optimal healthy breathing in a healing context.”

More info:

Where I stand on new age hippie stuff is basically where I stand with ghosts and aliens. I don’t believe or disbelieve, I am somewhat skeptical but accept that there is a lot in this world that I don’t understand.

The first guided breathwork session was a group activity. I went into it with no information at all (even less info than you have now after reading the above description). There was about fifteen women and two guys, the guide and a handful of ‘angels’ to help us. We started out all dancing around together to ‘warm up’. I hated this. It felt awkward and stupid. I wanted to leave. Next we randomly chose a partner and sat down for an uncomfortable exercise where one person talked for three minutes while the other listened and then we switched. All sentences were supposed to start with “What I really want…” I had to start and I said: “What I really want is to understand what the fuck is happening here.” then “What I really want is to not have to talk right now.” The other girl looked at me compassionately as we sat in silence until it was her turn, then she talked for three minutes about how she just wanted to feel ok, etc. and she cried. It sounded like there was a lot of sniffling going on from other people too so clearly I missed the point of this exercise. I think we were supposed to be setting an intention or something. I really enjoyed listening to her without obligation to engage or respond. Without having to think of something comforting to say. I could just listen and squeeze her hand while feeling like I was in some way helping her by listening to her personal stuff.

We then all laid on the floor and started the hour-long breathing exercise which involved a ‘circular’ breath. In and out steady and slowly without any pause in between. It’s sort of like hyperventilating and the physical effects are similar: light headed, tingling hands, etc.  I suppose it’s a cousin to meditation or a distant cousin to dropping acid. Each person’s experience is unique. I heard a lot of crying around me so I guess for some it was healing or helped them work through stuff. Some people realize certain truths about themselves or have some kind of personal growth or become more personally aware. Many enthusiastically claim it is transformative or at the very least: an intense experience.

There was also some meditative style music playing with voice affirmations or something. At the point where a soothing, Goddess-like voice cooed: “Everyone wants love and joy” I had a flash realization that I do what I do (make porn) because I want to be loved by the men who jerk off to me. I realized that my fans, as a group, make up the equivalent to one partner I’m in a relationship with. I’ve often said that I’m married to my business and it would be difficult for most men to date me while I do what I do because my fans get so much of my intimate sexual energy. It IS a relationship. It’s give and take. My fans send me fan mail (the equivalent to a husband telling his wife she’s beautiful, cherished and appreciated) and they give me money & gifts which is an effective way to measure how much I’m loved and appreciated. I give my fans orgasms, joy and entertainment. I help reduce stress. I offer acceptance of their niche fetishes.

It wasn’t the most profound experience in the world but I managed to have a little cry at the end anyway. I wasn’t crying for any particular reason but a lot of people were crying and I suppose it’s like when one person starts throwing up and then everyone starts throwing up. Laughter, crying, puking, yawning…it’s all kind of contagious.

Afterward when everyone was laying in a cuddle puddle and sharing their experiences I really felt like I missed the boat. It seemed a lot more ‘transformative’ for everyone else. I wondered if I was ‘broken’, or blocked from achieving certain levels of emotions or whatever. Maybe I just didn’t have shit to work through?

When I had an opportunity to do it again a couple days later in private, with just the guide and my two friends I was excited to give it another go. I promised myself to really put my all into getting as much from the experience as possible. ‘When in Rome!”

This time I had some one-on-one time with the guide before we got started. We talked about what I was hoping to get from the experience, if there was anything I needed to work through, etc. I didn’t know what to say. Everything is pretty awesome in my life. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. She assured me that over-achieving, satisfied people got value from breathwork too.

During the exercise I was open to having a cry but instead I felt this powerful force inside of me, radiating from me and growing…coming from my lower torso area…I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, that I had huge powerful wings like a phoenix, I was strong and fearless. I heard the guides voice saying that I was breathing beautifully. I felt like I was fanning the flames of a fire with the air coming in and out of my stomach. I felt like I could levitate and fly. I felt invincible. As I breathed and pumped my stomach and apparently (I was told after) my pelvis was also pumping up & down the guide said I was radiating incredible sexual energy. She seemed rather ‘wowed’ by it.

When the exercise was finished and we were normalizing our breathing I really had to pee (this also happened the first time) but this time I was so lightheaded I had to crawl to the bathroom & pull myself up onto the toilet. So much for flying, I couldn’t even stand up! As I did the first time I peed and peed for a very long time, a lot of fluid. I’ve experienced this a little with lymphatic drainage massage where your body kind of releases toxins and cleanses through a larger than usual quantity of urine. I thought that was an interesting physical response to the exercise.

I felt a little emotional after but the feeling of power still radiated. That feeling of strength and fire. I can still feel it actually, just thinking back. That power pulsing from my lower torso and a feeling like I have massive wings.

The images below are of me at the retreat that week, where we stayed, the rice paddy fields surrounding us, a fire purification ceremony I participated in (by throwing symbolic things into the fire while thinking about stuff I need to let go of and of things in life I want) and a water temple purification thing I did where I also made ‘wishes’ or set intentions as I got cleansed with holy water.


Don't jump, you don't really have wings!

Better than wings, I've got boobs!

It would be pretty bad-ass to have wings like Garuda though...

Just out of view: power-pulsating-pussy. You've been warned.


I got a kick out of wearing my gun shirt at the hippie retreat...*smile*

I'm a little bit pyro so I didn't mind the mega-hippie-dippy fire purification ceremony so much.

Before the water purification...(do I look dirty?)

During water purification...this better be some powerful holy water...

After water purification: Do I look pure now? *batting eyelashes*


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Bali – Cockfight

I’m sitting in the airport in Korea on a long journey back home from Bali. I have been thinking about my trip and how to share the highlights on this blog. I realize most of you are more interested in the life & times of Mistress T and kinky stuff so perhaps my personal travels might bore you. I decided to divide up the highlights in bite sizes.

It wasn’t my first time at this rodeo, er, I mean cockfight. When I was traveling solo in Cuba about six years ago, with some difficulty I managed to get to experience an illegal cockfight deep in the woods. It was attended by a few dozen men, only a couple of women selling food and one tourist: me. It was exhilarating and unnerving to be in the middle of nowhere with so many men at an aggressive, illegal cockfight…I don’t mean to imply there was anything sexy about it but it was an interesting experience.

A few years later in Cambodia I had another opportunity to see a cockfight and again, I was pretty much the only women there. Cockfighting is a man’s sport, make no mistake.

You can read more about cockfighting on Wikipedia:

A couple weeks ago in Bali I noticed the tell-tale baskets covering roosters & figured that cockfighting was alive & well there too. I did some asking around and eventually got the date & location of the next local event.

What do I like about cockfighting? I find it interesting to observe the culture of it and to compare it to other countries. This is not a performance for tourists, usually I am the only tourist in attendance. It’s an opportunity to see locals being themselves, authentically.

The cockfight itself? The actual FIGHT & blood? Well, on the one hand I understand the animal cruelty aspect of it but on the other hand I see it as the cocks fulfilling their destiny. They are born to fight. They are naturally aggressive to other competitors. Every fiber of their being screams to fight and eliminate the competition. It’s all they want to do. They would rather fight than eat, sleep, maybe they’d even rather fight than fuck? Can you imagine what it would feel like to be so singularly driven? To feel like your life’s purpose is to do something and then to actually do it? To do it with all your heart and soul. To fight for the love of fighting. Once in it they are fighting to survive but the initial drive is just to fucking FIGHT.

One of my favorite all time movies is “Fight Club” by the way *smile*.

So here’s some pics I took of my Bali cockfight experience.

The only pic of me at the cock fight.

A man & his beloved cock...get yer mind out of the gutter...

Two men comparing their cocks. Really? How juvenile. Stop giggling.

Cocks in action! ...You just can't be serious, can you? Tsk Tsk.

A close up of a fairly big cock. ...Ok, that's enough. Sicko.



I’m in Paradise, AKA Bali

I admit, there’s a little part of me that keeps wondering how I ended up here.

You see, last year I spent a couple months in Thailand, a little bit of time in Vietnam. During that time I stayed in a very nice Indonesian style villa for several weeks. I was with my partner of four years at the time & we had a wonderful time. We broke up in June, for those of you who missed that.

I never imagined a year later I would be staying in a REAL Indonesian villa in Bali, a much nicer one, with a couple that I’ve been intimate with on and off for almost ten years.

I’ll back track.

The end of December 2011 I was at their house and they invited me to come to a yoga retreat in Bali with them. I had vowed to travel less in 2012 but I have a great affection for these friends and I usually only see them a couple times a year now. I spontaneously said yes.

When I was in my mid 20’s I met them through an adult online personals ad. Sleeping with couples made a lot of sense to me back then. I wanted more experiences with women, but as bi as I was, I still loved cock. I wanted BOTH…and I didn’t want a relationship so if they were already in a happy relationship I could enjoy the intimacy without strings.

It worked out great. This couple was and still are very much in love with each other. They had been adding others to their sex life for fun for awhile. So they knew what they liked and they were already comfortable with the threesome dynamic. They are both so very sexy. The kind of sexiness that goes deeper than their very attractive exteriors.

Our friendship has grown over the years. We’ve had some great sexual experiences but far more memorable moments outside of sex. We met up in Rio for Carnival one year. That’s when they invited me to Burning Man and I have gone with them every year since. We have a lot of wonderful mutual friends. And now, we are in Bali together, in paradise, fucking and playing, flirting and sharing, making more memories. These are people I’ll grow old with.

So how did I get to THIS specific bit of paradise? A palatial private villa fit for royalty? Just luck really. When I posted on this blog that I was coming to Bali a very generous fan emailed offering to put me up in this beautiful place. That’s it. A fan who isn’t even here in Bali right now. A fan I’ve never even met or corresponded with before. Someone who just loves what I do & who I am, someone who wanted to ensure I was spoiled and taken care of.  It’s moments like this that I feel so fortunate to be me.

We have a few more days here and we plan to do more than what we have done, which is lay around reading, relaxing, swimming in the pool, eating, fucking, sleeping…listening to the frogs, looking at geckos…and a lot of just looking at our surroundings in awe. This villa is beyond beautiful…the landscaping, the pools, the water features and the lush jungle & mountains in the background. Tomorrow we’ll go snorkeling and we’ll explore the area more. However long we stay here we will be sad to go. There’s a saying: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss I think.

I’m in paradise. Just so you know, I’m not responding to fan mail/video requests, etc. until after April 15. If your email can wait it would be better if you just waited to send it after April 15. I would appreciate that.


From the real women who is also Mistress T

Mistress T

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Monkey's & ancient temples...I must be traveling someplace exotic again!

I have a healthy fear of monkey's from a bad experience in India years was a big deal for me to be this close to one of those adorable demons.

I'm SO wet! I know *groan*.

It's a beautiful, giant villa...& I'm staying here! Yah!

Cooling off...

A villa fit for a Goddess...

Loving life!

The view from my bedroom: awesome! Well, technically when I'm looking at the view I'm not a part of it...

Did I mention this villa is super lavish & gorgeous?

I just had to slip in a naughty pic, didn't I?

Just arrived in Bali

This is just a quick n’ dirty update. The internet connection is a bit dodgy & I’m bushed so I’m not going to write much…and no pics.

It’s around 4am in Bali. It took about 22 hours of travel to get here from Vancouver today. The first part of the journey was a 12 hour mediocre movie marathon to Singapore which actually flew by. A several hour layover in the Singapore airport dragged on and I slept a little on the 5 hour flight to Bali. It was a restless sleep despite the Valium I took. I only take Valium to help me sleep on planes or to cope with jet lag. I call it my travel drugs.

I traveled solo today. My friends are meeting me here later today. I don’t mind traveling by myself. I’ve done more of that then traveled with people. There are pro’s and con’s to both.

I enjoy the hours of time to think and be alone in my head, while being surrounded by other people. If they speak another language, even better. It’s company without requiring me to engage.

I arrived at the Bali airport and immediately recognized the familiar, unfamiliar smell. I’m always fascinated by the way different places smell. Hot, humid places have a somewhat musty, moldy smell. Earthy. Dirt.

I made it through their various lines for ‘Visa On Arrival’, customs, etc. along with about a hundred other weary new arrivals. Mostly Chinese. I used the bathroom in the airport and was delighted to find a squat toilet. I had grown fond of them while in India. It does feel more natural to squat than to sit. I noticed with amusement several cockroaches in the bathroom stall too. Ah, the little things I love about being in an exotic place.

I examined my new currency and figured out what I thought was a fair price for the taxi ride to my hotel. I wasn’t surprised when the first taxi driver quoted a ridiculously inflated price. This is always the game. I’ve been to India twice, Thailand five times, Vietnam, Cambodia, Cuba, Brazil, Argentina, etc. The right price is usually about a quarter of what they first ask for. I don’t get angry. I’m amused. It’s not my first time at this rodeo. I’m polite but firm and I get the ride to my hotel for the price I had pre-decided on, which was still a little generous so I think everyone was happy.

A whole paragraph on taxi fare? This is a big part of traveling in places like this. The bargaining, haggling, the not getting ripped off. It’s a game and it’s part of their culture. It’s always a significant part of travel in places like this. It’s not like the US or Canada where the price is the price (usually).

The taxi driver was very sweet and made nice conversation on my way to the hotel. I was a little surprised at how run down things looked in the dead of night. A lot like some parts of India & Thailand. Wild dogs roamed the streets but that was about it for life. All the shabby shops & business’s shut up and quiet.

The hotel is beautiful. I usually travel on a shoestring budget but my friends wanted at least a 4 star place. The staff were waiting for me. Just me, a lone traveler at 4am. They brought me a welcome drink of delicious orange juice. A nice boy carried my bags to the room. The french doors overlook the pool which I can barely see in the dark. I can hear the breeze rustling in the palm trees.

I already feel a million miles away, physically and mentally. I did just respond to about a half dozen emails but I will request that if your email can wait until after April 15, I would appreciate if you didn’t send it until then. I hope to spend far less time than usual dealing with business email.

I’m going to shower, take some hippie drugs (melatonin mix from the health food store) to help reset my internal clock. I’m going to drift off as the sun is coming up and will likely be awoken early afternoon when my friends arrive.

So it begins.

This is just a random old picture from a couple years ago I thought kind of fit with this blog entry.