Good from bad.

Life can be complicated sometimes, can’t it? Things are usually not all bad or all good. We can feel a range of emotions & even opposite feelings at the same time.

I was recently in Thailand, doing yoga, writing, taking a break from work and enjoying the heat. I had just traveled from one island to another to take a scuba diving course when I received a message about a death in my family in Nova Scotia.

It was evening. I had just arrived by ferry on a tiny island in Southern Thailand with a small bag, enough for a few days. The rest of my stuff was with my boyfriend on another island. I sat there reading the message, in shock, needing to suddenly be somewhere very far away and being powerless to get there. Someone very dear to me needed me, someone who would be very traumatized by this death.

I eventually gathered myself, spoke with family members and booked onward travel for the next morning, with a great deal of difficulty and expense. I would go straight from there with my flip flops and summer dresses, travel for a couple of days to get to snowy Nova Scotia. I didn’t know when I would see my boyfriend again and we’d been joined at the hip for months. It was a long, lonely journey.

Death is something that happens to all of us. It’s what surrounds it, the details or sorting things out afterward, the adjustment of life without that person that sometimes we don’t expect to be so difficult.

I said at the beginning that things are not all bad. In this case I have spent a couple wonderful weeks connecting with family in so many ways. It has been very emotional, mostly good. Pretty much all good actually. Who knew so much joy could come from death? It’s difficult to fully explain without giving away too many private family details but I’ll say that as a result of this death some of us have come together and connected deeply like never before. I’m very sad to be leaving soon to go back to Vancouver but excited to be reunited with my boyfriend (who is coming home early from Thailand too) and other friends. This is the reality for many people who decide to move away from their family. Over time you have one life in one place with people that you love and also in another. Always feeling torn between being happy where you are and longing for somewhere else.

So it goes.

I’ll be back in Vancouver soon but I have no plans to get back to work any time soon. (So requests for webcam, custom vids, sessions, film slave applications, etc. will continue to be deferred until April). I plan to write and do yoga as I was doing in Thailand but from home. A ‘staycation’. (Is that how you spell that?) I’ll take time to be kind to myself. I’ve already booked a day at the spa shortly after my return, using a gift certificate from a thoughtful fan. These selfless gifts from fans mean a lot. It makes me feel that some of you see me as a real person and not just an object.

Many of you left very sweet comments on my Twitter page when I tweeted about the death in my family and I saw the evidence of your support in my video sales that day. It’s not about the money really, it’s about proof that my fans care enough to buy a vid as a way of signalling they’re thinking of me. Thank you.

To anyone going through a hard time right now I invite you to look for the good and be grateful. Things are never all bad, there is always something to be grateful for.


Mistress T

Tales from rural Nova Scotia

As I write this I am jetlegged & trying to make good use of my time, being wide awake after only a few hours sleep. I returned home a days ago (to Vancouver) from Nova Scotia where I was visiting family. I thought I would share some of my family experiences from this visit.

My family knows what I do for a living. Some know more, some know less. Each of them has a different level of understanding and it can make for some awkward conversation.

I’ve always been pretty ‘together’. I’ve never been pregnant, which means I didn’t get knocked up as a teen. That counts for a lot where I come from. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship or had a drug or drinking problem. I’ve always been financially secure, I put myself through school, bought real estate at 29, traveled the world, never been in trouble with the law, etc. So my family can’t really ‘knock’ my life choices. I’ve made out better than most and I’ve done it on my own without any family financial support.

A few years ago when I told them I had stripped for a little while before becoming a Dominatrix they listened without saying much. Then as that evolved into the video business most did not ask too many questions. In fact, my grandmothers are particularly careful to not ask me any questions they’d rather not hear the answers to. I lie to my grandmothers friends and tell them I make wedding video’s, etc. I choose to not embarrass my conservative, religious grandmother with the scandal & gossip.

My father, bless his heart, does not want to know details but prefers to go off half-cocked bragging to his friends about his successful daughter. My most awkward experience of the trip was meeting a friend of his…an older man with no teeth who started the conversation with: “So you do that dancing up and down the pole, eh?”. I carefully explained that I spent about a year dancing 5-6 years ago but I haven’t done that for awhile…hoping we could move the conversation to something else but no. He then said leeringly: “So you’re into the pictures now?” Fuck. I could have strangled my father for putting me in such an awkward position. I just changed the subject without answering.

In the car I asked dad what he had told his friends and why? He explained that he had no judgement about what I do, he’s proud of me, and his friends are pretty open minded. Heck, that toothless friend had often gone to the city to pick up hookers. No shit, eh?

I have one nosy aunt who enjoys watching people squirm by asking personal questions. I was ready for her and decided that she would get detailed answers whether she really wanted them or not. She started with: “Aren’t you scared one of those crazy guys is going to hurt you?” I asked her what she meant by crazy? She figured that anyone who was into fetishes and BDSM wasn’t right in the head. I explained that people with alternative sexual interests are as sane as anyone else. Wanting to lick feet, for example, doesn’t mean you’re dangerously nuts. I talked about homosexuality because I know she has gay friends. I said there was a time when many thought being gay was wrong & unnatural. Now that’s mostly acceptable. I said in the future those with fetishes will be more accepted too. She surprised me by changing gears and asking me to explain more so she could understand and be more open-minded. That was pretty awesome.

My mother especially loves what I do. She’s a very liberal woman. She raised me to be strong and independent. She sees strength in using sexuality to get ahead in life. She gets the words mixed up though and calls me a Doministrix (combining Dominatrix with Mistress). I find it adorable every time she says it and I don’t bother correcting her.

My step-father has always been a business man and he spends hours grilling me about the business end of things. He offers advice, anything regarding insurance, legal stuff, taxes and tries to brainstorm new business ideas with me. He is concerned about my future, as am I. How long will my looks last? I will still have a lot of years to live after I no longer look good enough to be in front of the camera. As carefully as I save and invest I need a better long term plan. I had a career in sales & marketing before I started in the ‘adult’ world, so I’m sure I’ll be fine but at this point the long term plan is a little uncertain. Then again, who has a crystal ball?

I did a few different things while in Nova Scotia. My father wanted to show me off to all of his friends so I went to not one, not two but THREE jam nights. Jam nights are where a group of amateur musicians and singers get together and play in front of a group of people. The events are held in little community halls around rural NS nearly every night of the week. Pretty much everyone has grey hair and many are in their 70’s & 80’s. The music tends to be 40’s country, draggy, sad love songs played a little slower than they were originally meant to be played. Most of the singers are not talented. One night there was dancing. Just the 2 step though, no disco here. I was even asked to dance by one keen senior gentleman and I struggled through the two step with my cheeks burning in embarrassment. I’m really not a great dancer. He came back a few times and asked me again but I declined.

As painful as I found these ‘jam nights’ I realized how wonderful they are for those who attended. For many of them the alternative would be to just sit home and watch TV. They look forward to the socializing and hearing songs that are comfortingly familiar. It made me think a lot about what my golden years may be like. Especially since I’ve chosen to not have children, so there won’t be grandchildren around either. I hope to live some place warm with friends who I cherish. Maybe I’ll introduce naked co-ed bingo & shuffle board at the seniors center…

I also went on a 1 day bus trip with some seniors and attended a breakfast fundraiser with my grandmother. The pace is certainly a lot slower in rural Nova Scotia. The weather is a frequent topic of conversation. People read the obituaries daily because everyone knows everyone. I grew up there but never felt like I belonged there. I’m like an alien to them, with my crazy lifestyle, all the traveling and my lack of interest in settling down with a family. I love my life as it is. My soul would wither and die there.

Here’s a few random pics from my trip:

They loves their lobster in NS: now with BLING!

Scarf my mom hand-knit me (with love!)

In my grandparents 200 yr old farmhouse

My grandparents 200 year old farm in rural Nova ScotiaIn my grandparents 200 yr old farmhouseScarf my mom hand-knit me (with love!)They loves their lobster in NS: now with BLING!